Lengthy vacay? Yes, that is for sure, but I have returned to something I just love to do: write. I have often said that writing is a catharsis for me, and it has been proven time and time again. This little known fact about me was especially proven these last 15 days as I was unable to write for one reason or another. I missed it terribly; as much as I yearn for those days of my youth and for those loved ones and friends long ago lost and left behind--I yearned for it all. Getting back to writing, for me, was like coming home to familiar, loving surroundings. It made me happy and whole.
I used to consider myself a bit of a sap because I missed things and people so much, and often it seemed as if I was the only person who felt this way. I would reconnect with old friends, and it was always as if I missed them more than they did me. Maybe I had issues with letting go. Maybe I could even be categorized as a person with abandonment issues. I did say "maybe." I never had anyone abandon me, per se, but often, I do have these far-off feelings, as if at one time, perhaps I was left by someone I adored very much. Like an echo heard only by me that desperately tries to remind me of what I have lost even though my mind does not recall such things. Perhaps in another life, someone did abandon me thus creating certain feelings of despair. Maybe it hurt me so much that those feelings dug themselves so deep within me that they carried over into a new life. I do believe in reincarnation, by-the-way, so it is not such a far-fetched idea that I could have somehow carried hurt and despair into my other life. Maybe that is why I have such feelings of melancholy for people, places and events no longer a part of my life. Maybe my soul does miss things that I once loved so much in another life. Things that my mind will not let me remember and my heart chose to shut down.
"Young and Beautiful," a song by Lana Del Rey, which was played in the 2013 version of The Great Gatsby is an example of the yearning I often feel for certain things and events. Although the song is a beautiful piece accompanied by a masterful array of strings, and subtle but key percussion, it is rather a haunting piece. For me, it is haunting. It reminds me of things I experienced in my younger days; things I now miss. My best memories stem from my 20s and 30s; the things I did, the places I traveled, the people I met, it makes me happy, but sad.
It took me a long time to decipher and to understand my feelings of melancholy. Too often, the confusion caused by undefined feelings, interfered in my relationships. I mistook certain feelings and lost people because of lack of valuing our relationship as I should have. By the same token, I also lost others by loving them too much. As I stated, I learned how to tell the difference between feelings and thus relationships; the ships that pass in the night, the valuable ones, and the ones that needed to be free. I learned to start taking in everything as if it was the last time. Through losing relationships, friends, parents (so many loved ones), I have learned so much.
In getting older, I also learned that it was not only the people I lost whom I was actually missing, but so much more. With the exception of my loved ones lost in death, and an old love I pushed away, all whom I miss terribly and would give anything for just one more moment, I learned that I was especially missing my youth. Getting older and losing people who were so important will beat on your psyche and will quickly and rudely awaken any idiotic notion of immortality.
Just my take for the day!
