Dora's Corner: I Did What? Call From A Long-Lost Friend!

Friday, March 16, 2014

...So this story is much too important to post on another blog especially the ones I seldom or never share with family and friends!  This will be an honest- hopefully not feeble- attempt to properly reconstruct recent events during and following a conversation with a prior friend.  A dearly missed friend,  if you will, and a much-anticipated call --but all the same dumbfounding to me --mainly because of what she had to say to me after the friendly salutations and catching up came and went and the serious stuff began.  I haven't spoken to her for so many years so I will avoid placing any negative labels on her.  She seems happy with her life now.  I am happy for her in that regard.  Hand to G-d I never wished her any harm whatsoever.  She was a very special person in my life once.  I left her alone all these years so she could be happy and vice versa.  Or so I thought!  Be patient with me and maybe just humor me for a bit as I try to somewhat make sense of just WTH happened.  Names not used; simply --she is my "prior friend"!

Being the avid 'Tweep' of late via the best social media site (IMO) #Twitter, I decided to finally take a chance at mentioning (i.e.  @ ) her to see if she would reply.  Having been socially blocked by said prior friend via that other social media site - Facebook (The 'brag book' which I seriously despise for private reasons)- I had to try one more time to reach out to her.  So on one fine Thursday afternoon in March (not the Ides Of March), I began my social media trek --task in hand as aforementioned-- to reach out to her.  It worked.  She responded.  We 'followed' one another as one must do if you want to send 'private messages' to one another on Twitter (a.k.a. DMs/'direct messages').  I was rather surprised as I was not counting on a reply at all.  I took another leap-of-faith...if you will...and sent her my office number.  Not long after sending it --the call I had always hoped would come, well, it finally came.  I was probably more nervous at the onset than she was.  I won't lie that it felt good receiving the call.  Goofy me I even wrote the word 'honored' on the last DM we sent to one another via Twitter Universe after we ended our phone call.  I won't go into much detail about our history.  That is between us. 

Anyway...I was astounded as I said with regards to that call.  I had a contractor in my house when the call came through, and he was made to wait for me to review his work and to pay him the service call; he was cool with it.  I also gave my apologies to a lady who called me with an important business call to take this prior friend's call.  Not sure why I did this --making others wait and such.  Maybe I was afraid to not take the call and miss my opportunity to find out why I had been "persona non grata" to this prior friend of mine for so many years.  As we began the conversation I remembered many of the awful and selfish things I had done 20+ years ago to said prior friend.  Sure I felt bad about it all.  But accountability does not lie solely in my hands.  I was not the only one who seriously messed things up within our friendship.  But I can only make myself be culpable of only my actions.  I also remembered back then that the minute I realized that she needed to be happy (and finally had the opportunity to be happy myself)...I made a decision to let go.  Hard as it may have been --I let go.  During that time I just needed to embed any idea of happiness into my own head and especially into my heart.  I remembered the awful feelings that suffering throws your way.  I also recounted the moment I really knew that it was time that each of us pursued our respective dreams/goals and how I had to make my exit.  Perhaps any idea of a continued friendship was merely a fantasy because I not only lost her but her friendship.  In her opinion -because of my supposed past indiscretions- or whatever anyone chooses to refer to them it was difficult for a friendship to continue.  She accused me of doing some abhorrent things during all these years! 

But wait...I am not finished...I am NOT accepting of many things she alleged that I had done these past several years.  After 20 something years, this person  does NOT know me.  I am not the maniacal person she might think I am.  She does not know my successes in life.  She does not know my downfalls.  She does not know whom I have loved nor how deeply I have loved.  She knows not the very essence of my being nor of my passions in life since we last communicated.  She has no clue of my 'live and let live' mantra which I have not only wanted for myself but for others.  I did not do several of the things she said I had done.  But, I took it.  I took all of it.  Like a sycophant of some sort -- yep, I took it.  Not sure why I took it.  She did catch me at a low point I must say!  I must admit that I tend to go through 'dark days' at the beginning of each month since I lost my mother to cancer; probably hormonal issues as well that lead me to such low, dark days.  It would happen as it did that she called me and told me those things during one of my low times.  But, it was me after all, who reached out to her first.  Not her fault at all that she caught me at this juncture in my life.  Life has not been so easy lately for obvious reasons, but I must admit that I am one of the lucky ones in this often bleak world who has a good support system to help lift me up when things get much too complex.  Low times like on that Thursday afternoon.

After rehashing the conversation between us and the allegations which ensued,  I became a little disappointed in myself; for not trying harder to explain to her that I was oblivious to the many things she said that I had done.  She was not mean by any count at any point.  Just to the point.  All I have left since the call is to hope that one day maybe I will get another opportunity to speak to her and try to explain things/to defend myself properly.  Hoping that as I do this that it will not end up having be done in vain.  I am a genuinely nice person.  The person I was all those 20+ years ago has long left and is no longer embedded anywhere within me.  I will say that I was once was someone who believed in pay-back.  'Do me wrong and I will return the unsavory bit.'  No, this is NOT the person I am now.  I have not been that cruel, misguided person for such a long time!  Nope, not me...not now...not anymore.  By not having completely defended myself stance-by-stance of things I had allegedly done, I was left feeling just sad and low.  As happy as the call made me at the onset, it left me speechless and in wonder.  Wondering how she could have alleged that I did half of those terrible things.  I hate it most when people use my name in that matter-of-fact (kind of condescending) manner...this prior friend of mine went there with me and recited my name in such a way.  She probably didn't realize as she did it.  I was left confused and with my jaw dropped.  Kind of comical but not in the laugh-track manner...mostly a "you gotta be kidding" sense.

I left it alone for a few days, but this person had some investigating to do to make sense of the allegations.  Besides my better judgment, I opted to contact another person whom I had long ago loved and trusted.  Trusted but then greatly disliked after finding out that she was making a fool of me.  She hurt me with her cheating ways.  She incited mistrust in our relationship so I broke things off with her and fast!  So yes, I contacted this person (calling her the 'ex') whom I had stopped talking to long ago because she not only hurt me deeply, but threatened me physically several times after I ended things with her.  Three times going much too far with those threats.  Not long after I ended things with her my beloved nephew passed away.  On the day of his funeral, the ex called me for money that I supposedly owed her.  That was a bunch of bullshit.  In turn it was her who owed me money.  Thousands of dollars as it turns out.  Anyway, I know her real reason for calling me on that sad, somber day...it wasn't for money, but instead to talk to me.  I found someone who truly loved me and whom I could count on so that drove my ex crazy.  I will admit that she might not have known of my nephew's death so for certain she could not have known that she was calling me right before we were getting into the 'family car'.  My bad and my stupidity for carrying my work phone and for not turning it off.  Regardless of who knew what or whatever, the ex calls and my current partner ran interference.  The ex was so irate that she yelled at my partner, cussed, and that was when she proceeded to accuse me of owing her money as stated above.  Even after finding out that my nephew had died and that we were busy, when my partner did not pass the phone over to me...the ex told her the following: 'business is business'.  Never so much as a condolence.  Not that it would have meant much to me anyway!  What a bitch, right! (rhetorical)  To this date I care not if the ex was aware or not that my nephew had died and that we were en route to his funeral that day, she should have just left me the fuck alone.  She should have left my family and friends alone, too.  I left my exes alone to respect their happiness and privacy (and mine as well) so why could it not be reciprocated. 
Anyway, back to current status of finding out why my prior friend would ever think I would do such awful things, I spoke to that ex and to other mutual friends we shared back then and got many answers.  Hurtful answers, but nonetheless I got so many answers.  My world almost turned over a bit (there came more hurt), but I did not allow the answers I was finally given get me down too much.  At least not in front of my ex or our old friends.  I merely left with integrity in hand.  I saved the crying and hurt for a later time when I would be alone.  I received some answers, but not the way I would have preferred.  I would have instead preferred that my prior friend had been there with me to hear what I heard.  If I ever speak to my prior friend again, everything I discovered and share with her might surmise to just being hearsay/conjecture.  She would probably discard it, scoff at it or just not believe any of it.  At this point what my ex did all these years has just left things so muddled and perhaps even too difficult for me to try to defend myself and/or for my prior friend to believe!

What my prior friend accused me of doing was so not true...much of it both my fault and not my fault because I had been too stupid and too trusting of my ex who turned out to be the real culprit here.  Does it sadden me that my ex painted such a dirty picture, per se, of me to my prior friend?  Yes and no, but it certainly does make an indignant person of me.  I won't hold it against anyone though.  "It is what it is" (my battle cry of late).  My fault as I and I alone allowed bad people into my life who then made me appear bad.  If my prior friend wishes to believe that I could have done such horrid things, it might sadden me/hurt me greatly, but I cannot/will not allow it to get me completely down.  Not now --I cannot afford such negativity in my life right now.  Not now!  I must get on with my life regardless of what people say or think of me.  If my prior friend could not give me the benefit of the doubt through-out all these years, and reached out to me for the truth, then maybe not much is really left (to say or to do).  After all, I have lost so much more (than a prior best-friend) during all these years; a multitude of loved ones lost to terrible accidents and illnesses.  A loss of a prior friend I once thought wonderful will not be my burden.  Maybe just maybe I was better off not hearing from her.  Maybe my wondering of how she was doing or what she was up to was better left to the G-d's of 'what if' instead of finally hearing from her only to discover that she assumed that I was capable of such ill things.

Like I said I am not certain if I will ever hear back from this prior friend or not.  I know that it is not up to me anymore to reach out to her.  The deal is done on my behalf as far as I am concerned.  Maybe all doors have officially closed and been sealed forever.  Closure?  Maybe, maybe not!  It does leave me with feelings of languish because I held our friendship in such high regard; I cherished it greatly.  Even in her absence I cherished it.  My prior friend in my eyes could do no wrong.  That was how I chose to view her all these years of not having contact with her.  Always making excuses like a foolish parent does for the black sheep in the family.  Not quite an appropriate analogy but somewhat like that.  I wanted so much for us to continue our friendship for the rest of our lives.  I guess it was juvenile of me to wish for such a thing.  I just really wish that this prior friend knew how difficult it was for me to accept her silence and how hard it was for me to bear her actions as she so easily and so suddenly ended our friendship by stopping any form of communication with me.  It was hard, but I had to accept it.  Eating crow is not my forte, but I ate it!  It tore at the very fabric of my being to accept the silence, but I did it.  Why is it that when someone loves someone more that it is always the one who 'cared-more' who gets shut out and hurt!  I would have accepted the fact that she needed to cut me out of her life because she wanted to be happy.  I would have also accepted that she thought that we both were be better off not being friends.  I would sadly but considerately accepted it but would have just preferred to have heard it straight from her.  Not via the silence, the blocking via FB, and the terrible dismissive treatment.  Thinking back and recently from what I learned from that one call she made to me that Thursday, I really don't think that this person ever really liked me very much.  It would be brazen of me to even suggest that any sum of her being might have even loved me at all at one point in time.   The things we once shared probably meant no more to her now than I stupidly thought they did.  As they did for me.  I guess it is time I start viewing things as she does.  No harm to her - I still only want a continuation of all good things for her.  Perhaps it has come to light for me to finally shut that chapter.  It was an awkward time for us back then so maybe just maybe it is better to just leave it all alone.

But I must add that getting blocked via social sites, not having letters/cards/emails returned is just toxic.  It hurts the soul a little.  As stated several times, I really wish things had turned out differently during said Thursday call.  I reiterate that I was so NOT prepared to have our conversation turn towards that path such as it took with me being thought of as some kind of maniac or sordid stalker.  Thinking back  now I am now certain that had I even attempted to defend myself against such wanton allegations that it would have been moot and obsolete.  Maybe it was best that I took it all and left it alone despite what I really wanted to say.  It would make for one hell of a Lifetime movie though.  Sure the things she alleged that I did hurt me to no avail and it did cause slight embarrassment.  However, it would have been more embarrassing if the bulk of said allegations had been true.  But because I just sat there with phone-in-hand saying not much to stand my ground, I may have indirectly given the prior friend justification towards her incorrect judgment of me.  I really wish we had just remained friends all these years thus having avoided all this nonsensical thinking of one another.  Beautiful would have been a continued friendship because it seems like she turned out to be a really good person.  I only wish she knew the good person I became.  Not sure we have much in common anymore...maybe we will never get the chance to find out.
At the end of it all and before I end this post, I just really want this prior friend to remember the not-too-nice things she once did to me long ago as well.  If she does not remember it all then there is no real justice.  Love is love, and when you play with people's emotions...well...it is just plain wrong and believe me when I say that it hurts like hell.  Maybe I just wish I had been left alone from the beginning or that a beginning with her had never come to surface.  Sometimes I wish that I had not been tagged as the person to take her to that underground club on that fateful night that would lead to the beginning of our friendship.  When the first chance came my way to be free of such heartache, and I left town to try to better myself...I just wish I had been left alone to see it come to fruition.  As I attempted to leave, maybe I just also wish that all the calls made to me about how she missed me and pleas for my return had not reached me.  Not completely her fault though that I succumbed to such pleas.  It was me who decided in turn to come back "under any terms" (her words).   I would have done anything for this person whom I cared so much for back then!  Better for me would have been (when I came back home  to west Texas long, long ago after being hurt by her actions with an old flame) for me to have made myself remain in west Texas.  I would have started my own life a lot sooner instead of going back to her and getting my feelings stomped on again and again.  Having my feelings played with as if only her feelings mattered.  Having to accept being part of her life back then in any form in which she chose for me to be part of her public-life.  I guess I was merely a rebound for her after her first love broke up with her, shattered her life, and in turn broke her.  I was there picking up the pieces, but I will say that she did the same for me; helped me pick up my own pieces.  She saved me, too, back then.  Both of us were broken somehow.  We helped one another and a wonderful chemistry gave light to a great friendship.  Young and foolish was I as I should have seen and paid closer attention to all the red flags!  Later on I must have switched roles again and instead been deemed to be the one who was allowed to be part of her life only and until she waited for her real true love.  I hope he fully appreciates her now --loves her the way she needed (and deserved) to be loved.  Oh, it still hurts somewhat, but I am okay.  The hurt she caused me back then is something I seldom speak of much less pen onto a blog.  But it is a catharsis for me to jot it down.  I can no longer just keep silent and let some unseen force simply brush away thoughts of our doomed friendship from my memory.  In my older years as a blogger/writer of all sorts, I have come to fully appreciate and understand that the pen really is mightier than the sword.  After all at the end --it is my life, my memories, my words.
So...life goes on and as my prior friend and I used to say to one another when our friendship first began long ago: "the ball is in your court!" (or not) ~ Always with respect!