While I sit here pondering my role in this life, I am watching the old 1995 movie Nine Months which stars Julianne Moore and a very young Hugh Grant - whom is one of my favorite English actors. Anyway, the synopsis of the movie is a about a man not yet ready to venture into the yarns of fatherhood but whose girlfriend, after finding out she is pregnant, ends up really wanting to have the baby. The young Child Psychologist played by Grant is not at all in the same spiritual or mental place as his girlfriend is as the movie progresses and is scared stiff about becoming a father. The soon-to-be-mother character played by Moore is a dance instructor and she soon learns that her excitement about becoming a parent is not shared by her boyfriend and the fireworks begin.
I find myself being extremely compassionate towards the man because he was told by the girlfriend that not much would change by her pregnancy then wham, the man discovers so many changes around each corner of his life – too many changes. I also feel badly for the woman because she is understandably excited and overjoyed at bringing a baby into the world only to find her partner at odds with the idea. In the end everything is fine as is often the fairy-tale conclusion with Hollywood movies, but this person is left wondering ‘what if’?!!
Let me explain, I am in my early 40’s and never had a child. Those who know me know my story about the miscarriage I had over 21 years ago. Had the circumstances been different, I would now be Mom to a 20 year old boy. The pregnancy was a surprise and the person whom I was married to was like the Hugh Grant character in that he was rather immature and not very empathetic towards others feelings and a huge failure at putting others needs/wants ahead of his own.
Anyway, after the miscarriage, I decided I needed to do something different with my life and I left the marriage. Until this very day, my motherly instincts have never kicked in as is the case with so many women. My maternal clock was idle I suppose and I never went around paranoid that I would run out of time to have children. Now do not get me wrong, had the opportunity arisen, I would have stepped up to the plate, but it never did. I love children. I believe I would have made an excellent mother. I am attentive towards other people’s children and believe that they are just little adults and one needs to treat them with much respect. The love we give them should be a given, but so should respect. I have always had a great rapport with children and have been able to handle the most difficult ones when others failed.
I have always admitted that my selfishness was the main reason which kept me from having children or adopting them. I am not ashamed to say that because it is true and I firmly believe that most people feel that way but would be quick to deny it. In my admittance of such a thing, I am proud that I was able to acknowledge those feelings and instead focus on other important things in my life.
So what of my legacy - as many will probably question. Well, it may not be embedded in another human being who is of my own body, but it is derivative of everything I have done in this world. Those things may or may not include the many blogs I write, the content writing and stories which I post for other media avenues, the novel(s) I am currently focusing on. Those things may be simple and not so important to those who do have children, but those things are my children – my babies, and I am proud of them all. But let’s not forget other parts of my legacy for which I am certain many would agree are genuine and important, the philanthropy in which I have partaken of in the past and taking care of my family when they were in need or just because I wanted to do so. Then there are my own nieces and nephews whom are as close to my own children in how much I adore and love them. I believe I have been able to form good relationships with them – some more than others. I believe I have helped form positive impressions upon them to help them grow as adults, and into productive and influential members of society. That they all place importance on family no matter what and no matter what their definition of family might be.
Yes, indeed, my maternal clock may not have tick-tocked itself into the realms of motherhood as like with other women, but my life to-date is just fine. The ole proverbial clock was not broken either. Instead, my inner-workings lead me to a much different path and in the end; I believe it was just as gratifying for me. I love my family and I do place it high on my list of priorities, but there is always room for making sure one takes care of #1 and our own needs before we can do right by others. I was fortunate to be on this path and I do not question it and neither do I look back over my shoulders questioning it or second guessing it. I guess I am lucky like that.
So the 'what if' question which I was left querying about this a.m. as I watched Nine Months is... just wondering what my son would have done with his life, what kind of person would he have been, things of that nature. I am not regretful of never having had children - I only miss not having known my son. No matter if I had had more kids, none would have replaced my first-born. Therefore - I am okay not having any, and status quo is just fine for me...no regrets...none whatsoever! Life is good "as is"!
So the 'what if' question which I was left querying about this a.m. as I watched Nine Months is... just wondering what my son would have done with his life, what kind of person would he have been, things of that nature. I am not regretful of never having had children - I only miss not having known my son. No matter if I had had more kids, none would have replaced my first-born. Therefore - I am okay not having any, and status quo is just fine for me...no regrets...none whatsoever! Life is good "as is"!
