Book of D: The Death of Ivan Ilyich (Leo Tolstoy): What If My Whole Life Has Been Wrong

What If My Whole Life Has Been Wrong! Imagine spewing those very words from your mouth. To even imagine thinking that there might be some truth in it. Oh, the horror of it all. Right? Well, maybe not. We all have choices. In the novel by Leo Tolstoy (whose novels I have come to truly enjoy late in life), the death of Ivan has made things complicated for many of the characters. For the protagonist, he has come to realize that life is empty and vain. Death is indeed inevitable while career, social status, and wealth are temporary and bereft of a real legacy. The novel does not elucidate the meaning of life, but it does somewhat unmask the human desire to seek a sense of greater significance out of existence ala existentialism. I know many people whose sense of being is earmarked by material and monetary successes, but I have also known those who learned that success is usually attached to a sense of loving and connectedness. As for me, I am fortunate that I learned early enough that my life is my own, and what I make of it is inherently up to me. There is no predetermined dogma. I have to figure out what I want my life to be - not what I was put on this earth to be. And, at the end of the day, I decided my life is not wrong. I decided to be happy basking in the love and joy of familial relationships and community; providing a hand up for others. Material wealth is not for me. I choose organic happiness.

Book of D: On the Couch Counseling

  

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Book of D: My 2021 Mazda CX-30 Preferred Package

My Mazda is fabulous. I have had it since last year. I bought it with only a few miles on it from Mears Mazda Volvo, Lubbock, Texas. We were staying the weekend with my spouse's family in Lubbock when these pictures were taken. I was fortunate to have paid it off this past February 2022. It's been a wild ride (pardon the pun). 

I LOVE MAZDA. 

*** The 2021 CX-30 is ranked #1       

 out of 8 in reliability amongst 

2021 SUVs by Consumer Reports. 

The overall reliability verdict 

got a perfect score. 

Book of D: Keep Your Dogma to Yourself

Today, my family and I gathered in Big Spring for a funeral. My brother-in-law Philip's twin brother, Tom, passed away last week, and today was the day we said our final goodbyes to him. I was rather indignant listening to the young man eulogize Tom as "a person who may not have been close to G-d," and it just upset me because how dare the person assume he knew the relationship Tom had with his Maker. It also made me angry when the young man said that "whenever you feel hurt, lonely, broken, or sad, just look to G-d and the church for answers." I thought that was making one hell of an assumption with tons of hubris attached (and ignorance) to think, for one, that everyone in attendance was a Christian. The young man never even allowed for the probabilty that some attendees may have been Muslim or Jehovah Witness or even Agnostic or Atheist. He made no mention of Abba, Allah, Elohim, El-Shaddai, Goddess, Jehovah, or Yahweh. Besides, it is profound that religion is failing people every fucking day by the masses. Hell, as an LPC-I, I see way too many people in my counseling practice who are so screwed up because of religion and overtly and ridiculously religious people. I wanted to tell the young cleric/minister/parson/whatever his title, this: 

You might want people to turn to G-d, church, and religion when they are sad, lonely, lost, broken, and in need of help, but every fucking day, counselors like myself have to clean up your fucking mess and help the poor people you failed to recoup their lives. 

Oh, and people are NOT BROKEN! Stop saying that!

Book of D: Making Chile Rellenos

This was my first attempt at making chile rellenos. It is an arduous and heavily logtistical process. My hats off to those who own Mexican restaurants or anyone who makes chile rellenos and makes it seem so easy. Maybe practice makes it an easier process, but for me, it was a bit too much. I told my wife, family, and friends that I would prefer making tamales than chile rellenos. And that's saying a lot because making tamales is no easy task. But, how I love chile rellenos. I determine a good Mexican restaurant by how well prepared and delicious their chile rellenos are. And by golly, they better be lampreados. Anything less is not good enough. My wife loved the chiles rellenos; so did I.

   

Book of D: Time to Spring Forward

This is the time change I really despise.😉😁😀😄😎😠😟😞😒 😡😖🤭

Book of D: My Internship Location

This is where I am doing my clinical counseling internship. It's On the Couch Counseling  (OTCC) . My onsite supervisor is Maureena Benavides. It is not "permanently closed" as Google search indicates. I guess I need to get Maureena to "Suggest an edit" to get it properly defined. LOL. I am usually found there during the week, in the evenings, after I complete my f/t job duties with UT Permian Basin (UTPB). I am also at OTCC after 1 pm on Fridays. UTPB personnel only work until 12 pm on Fridays (we work 9 hours M - Th and 4 hours on Friday), so I am able to get more counseling hours on Friday afternoon/evening. I love working with Maureena. I have learned so much, and I have honed my skills as a counselor. I love all my clients. Life is good. I also love UTPB. 😉  

 

Book of D: Regrets: Closets are for Clothes - Not People

Hindsight being 20/20, I wish I had been the one to leave—the first time. I would have saved myself so much grief. Moreover, I would have saved myself so many years of self-doubt; thinking there was something really wrong with me, when in fact, there wasn’t. The only thing standing in the way was that I was female, and she couldn’t handle being in a "same-sex" relationship. After all, what would her perfect mother think (rhet.). She made me feel ashamed to be LGBTQ. I don't completely blame her, though, it was back in the 90s and people still weren't “woke” or accepting of the LGBTQ community. I accept culpability for letting someone keep me in the ole proverbial “closet.” I was a coward all on my own; afraid to “come out” and face censure or critique from friends and loved ones. Whatever the circumstances, I just wish I had stayed away the first time I left. I went back home to west Texas (Midland) after learning she had "been" with her ex (A guy. Sigh. They had "coitus" like Sheldon would say. LOL.). I was heart-broken and gut-busted over learning she had been with him. I moved back with my sis and bro-in-law. I cried myself to sleep at night and soothed my ills and breaks the best I could, unable to tell people why I was so devasted.

I pulled myself together after a while, and I had a good job waiting for me. But I kept communicating over the phone every single day with her, and I eventually succumbed to her cries and pleas for me to return. She said our relationship could be whatever we needed it to be and that we'd figure it out. Damn gullible me. I really loved her. I went back to San Antonio. She meant the world to me, and I forgave the infidelity. I had little self-esteem. I wish I had not lacked in the area of self-worth and confidence back then. I would have pursued so many things including college. But I am where I was meant to be now, and I hope she is where she needed to be, too. I hope she is happy. I still wish we could communicate and just talk things out, but that is probably asking too much. I could do it, but I doubt very much that she could engage in such a conversation.