Book of D: Remembering Philip

As I was watching one of my favorite YT wood working channels, I thought about my dear nephew Philip. He would be 43 years young this June, 2023. He passed away much too soon (May, 2000). Why didn't Philip get to live as long as the rest of us? Why didn't Philip get to keep living as the rest of us have? Why was he pulled away to some unknown realm and denied the ability to stay with us? What did he do that was so wrong? I don't subscribe to the bullshit edict (or whatever you want to call it) that people die and go to heaven because "god" needed another angel. What kind of bullshit is that anyway! Philip was beloved and needed here, with us, his family. He had just moved in with a young lady he loved. He was just starting to come out of his shell, per se, and start living life. The shy but well-mannered young man was starting to do the things he wanted to do in life. He never hurt anyone or disrespected his family and elders. So, why did he not get to move forward with our family! So, it is now Wednesday, April 5, 2023, and I didn't get to finish the blog post from the 26th of March. Not sure why. I think it was just too much for my brain to process. But, I must say that not one day goes by that I don't think about my wonderful nephew. I remember how much he liked to discuss things that involved wood working, cars, music, books, movies, etc.... there wasn't much that I couldn't discuss with Philip. The one major topic included wood working and building things from scratch. I guess that is why the YT channel I mentioned earlier sparked thoughts of my beautiful nephew. I miss him. I miss Philip so damn much. I cried with my spouse a couple of days ago; actually, it was the day I started writing this post (March 26, 2023). I had not cried so much as I did that day. There is actually another reason for my bout of melancholia, but that will have to be a post for another day because that reason is ridden with way too much sadness and heartache in and of itself.

Book of D: My Spouse is a Rock / Rock Star

I still feel like my spouse's health scare ordeal was surreal. Not trying to rhyme, folks, sometimes, it just happens. In the March 13, 2023 post titled "Grateful for My Spouse, Family, and Friends," I did not go into much detail about what happened. I was just glad that the situation was over and handled. I don't think I have had much time to breathe or to really think about it much. My training as a counselor did not allow me to sink into the story-telling mode of "what could have happened." I am using Gestalt therapy to guide me into staying in the "here and now," thus denying my psyche to venture off into fallacy land. Until recently, that is. For the past few days, I have thought about the negative repercussions that could have ensued had my spouse's condition gone unattended and undiagnosed. As I mentioned in that March 13th post, a case of food poisoning around February 27th led to gastroenteritis and severe dehydration by the time we took her to a walk-in emergency care clinic on March 5th. That is when and where the medical staff ran several tests and discovered that my spouse's creatinine had reached a dangerous level of six (6). Her kidneys shutdown which medically presented as renal failure. Her condition was comorbid because of her type 2 diabetes condition. We didn't ignore my spouse's ails. We actually took her to an appointment on March 3rd with her primary care physician (PCP); she called and they managed to schedule her for a last-minute appointment. The PCP was the one who initially said it was probably just a stomach flu and added that it was viral, so we had to let it run its course. He did not run any tests since my spouse had had a regular check-up with him just two days earlier on March 1st and lab work had already been done and such, but the PCP did prescribe meds for nausea and stomach cramps, etcetera. I had an 8 a.m. appointment at the same facility that morning on March 3rd, but with the nurse practitioner (NP). I drove home to get my spouse for her appointment just two hours following mine. The PCP insisted there could be no food poisoning. Two days later early Sunday morning, as we opted to take my spouse to the walk-in clinic, we thought it would be a routine visit. We thought we would avoid the overly crowded hospital emergency room and go to a walk-in clinic so she could be seen faster and we could return home sooner. Boy, were we wrong. Signature Care (SigCare) was the facility we chose. Thankfully they ran several tests and even reran others to make sure what they were seeing was accurate, which unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) turned out to verify what they feared: the creatinine levels were much too high. SigCare arranged for my wife to be transported via ambulance to Midland Memorial Hospital (MMH). My spouse spent several days at MMH, but her care and treatment were sublime and life saving. Maybe I am being too dramatic. Her life was never at risk, per se, of ending, but her overall health was at risk of permanent damage - especially to her kidneys. Had the high levels of creatinine not been discovered when they were, my spouse could have ended up needing dialysis or a kidney transplant. So, yeah, excuse my theatrics - or not - I don't care, but I believe I am justified to have worried about losing my spouse. The way I have been feeling these past few days is probably related to finally allowing myself to contemplate the "what ifs" and such. I just need to chill and let myself process the whole ordeal, and I, too, shall be fine. I do plan on getting an appointment with an endocrinologist (as will my spouse to help her manage her diabetes) to better handle my thyroid issues. I also plan on returning to the heart doctor who collaborated with the endo since thyroid issues tend to create heart-related issues. The way my chest has been pounding lately is the same as when my thyroid issues were first diagnosed all those years ago. Getting older sucks as it just starts inciting health issues. LOL. Still, I remain grateful for my health and for that of my spouse's; we could each be so much worse off. She was a wonderful patient during her week-long stint at the hospital and home. She loves her job, and she is great at her job, so she was so ready to return to it last Monday, March 13th. She had an award waiting for her upon her return. The DPS Regulatory Division recognized her hard work as region supervisor by issuing her a citation award for her desk and a monetary raise. Like I stated in today's post title, she's a rock and a rock star.

Book of D: Spring Break and Recalling My Higher Ed Journey

While some schools are on Spring Break (SP) this week, several more will not begin theirs until next week. Our campus is currently on SP mode, and it has been so quiet around here. Almost too eerily quite, especially in the new area of campus where I am now situated. Before, at the Falcon Center (a.k.a. Falcon Zone), I at least had four other colleagues who are considered "staff," so they were usually working during SP week. Now that I am in the counseling hallway and next to the literature & language and history departments, which consists mainly of professors and students, I am the lone wolf, per se, in more ways than one. My job is categorized as "staff," so I am a staffer mixed in with the academia peeps. LOL. I once did p/t work as an adjunct faculty member and an SI and was categorized as "faculty," but since moving to student affairs from student success, I am a staffer. None of this really matters. I have a job that makes me happy, but most of all, I have my masters degree, which is my most prized possession. Had you told me 20 or even 10 years ago that I would have returned to college and obtained a bachelor's degree, I would have said you were crazy. Had you told me that I would go on to earn a master's degree, I would have insisted you get your head checked. Man, time went by so fast yet so slow. But, I am here. There are still times when I panic as I ponder my future, but if there is anything my psych and counseling education taught me, it is these three things (mostly based on humanistic [Rogerian being my fave] and Gestalt schools of thought): live in the here and now, do not worry about tomorrow, and focus on what makes me happy.

Book of D: Grateful for My Spouse, Family, and Friends

What a week. So much to catch up on. I've been away caring for my wife. She has been at MMH since Sunday. A case of food poisoning led to gastroenteritis and severe dehydration, which caused her creatinine levels to rise to a dangerous 6. Her kidneys basically shutdown at that point. She has diabetes type 2, so everything was made worse via comorbidity. Thankfully, after great care by MMH, her levels have stabilized (creatinine, glucose, white blood count, bp, etc.). I am back to work on Monday.

Book of D: Notoriety: The Crave Versus the Shade

It's no secret that at our U (as at every workplace in the world), if you're in with the right crowd (clique), you're going to get noticed. Everyone here works really hard. I'm not here to protest or contest that matter - as it is just fact: hard work is an occupational expectation at our U. I find it amusing, though, at times when people (not everyone) feel compelled to go overboard in an almost sycophantic manner to garner attention - especially when they are already doing sublime work and getting recognized for it. I guess they just need more attention. At this place, if a certain exec / administrator deems you worthy and has you hanging out with him or her (on- and off-campus) while sharing details on social media, then you are going to have all kinds of attention (good and bad). It doesn't always sit well with others seeing the exec(s) play favorites like that, especially by those who do work hard and never get attention. Overlooking those who work hard, often the behind-the-scenes players, is asking for trouble. It breeds resentment amoung coworkers, which often sets off negative things to happen: rumors, gossip, and story telling. I am too old for the rumor mill, so whenever I hear the gossip and complaining, I make myself scarce. I think a lot of people here have me pegged incorrectly as being anti-social and such, but it is not that at all. I just don't want to hear complaining or canards being said about others. I have already partaken in rumor mills and gossip, and I am old enough to remember being part of water cooler conversations. None of it is good. I was once an immature twenty-something year-old callow minded fool who lacked compassion for others as I heard stories - not knowing if they were real or not, I wantonly spread those vile stories like wildfire just the same. These days, I like to believe that I have matured and am fine not being part of that kind of diatribe, or more like backstabbing because that's what it is since it is done during said person's absence. The place of work has a lot to do with breeding and promoting ill-will and cynicism if negative work culture is not being properly addressed and discouraged (topic for another day, perhaps).

Conversely, none of it (the need for inclusion and notoriety) bothers me as much since I have already had my fair share of commendation and recognition with previous employers. To be honest, I am tired. I just want to help students in this job and retire. If I could retire tomorrow with enough money to travel with my spouse and be financially stable doing so, I would definitely bid adieu to the workplace. However, being introspective, I like to think that my journey and what I have to contribute is not finished yet, and I need to stay until I know I have finished whatever task that might be. I still haven't ruled out obtaining my PhD and/or opening a private counseling practice. For now, I try not to dwell on not being able to retire soon. I actually did retire from two previous jobs; one was through TRA from working at a community college and the former one was through mediation and signing an NDA and non-compete clause / restrictive covenant. I have a TRA at my present job and will fulfill the Rule of 70 in about 13 years, which is not too bad. I always figured on retiring by the time I was 75. If I came into some money soon, that would be a game changer. Again, I am not sure how things will work out once I decide on furthering my education or just completing my training for LPC licensure. All I really know is that I feel badly for cohorts who work hard and seldom or never get recognized for it. It does piss my off to see the same people get recognized, over and over and over. Short of being a pessimist and saying something mundane like "it is what it is," I just don't see how to fix any of that whithout opening up a can of whoopass or pandora's box, and whether it is my place to do so is another query. But I would advise those who feel unappreciated and unrecognized to be patient, keep working hard, stay clear of rumor mills, and stay in the "here and now"; no thinking about tomorrow and "what if." If you can't beat the clique or be part of it, at least don't be part of the shade. Things do change and bad people come and go; moreover, the positive most often supersedes the negative.

Book of D: Melatonin and Nightmares

So once again as I made the 20-minute drive to work, I was enthralled by a Howard Stern episode on Sirius-XM Radio. He was talking about melatonin. He mentioned how it has never worked for him. He even asked his sidekick cohost, Robin Quivers, if she had ever taken melatonin and if so, had it worked for her. Quivers stated that she doesn't think she has ever tried melatonin. Stern said that he has taken about five tablets at a time, but melatonin just doesn't do anything for him. The topic of melatonin came up because of a caller who mentioned how the sleep aid product doesn't do anything for her insomnia. 

I thought about how my insomnia is affected by my moods; therefore, products like melatonin pills are not always the answer for me trying to sleep at night. There is a deeper rooted issue causing my insomnia, so the answer is not going to be simple. Moreover, I recalled from grad school instruction that the brain produces the hormone melatonin as a response to darkness. It coincides with the timing of the circadian rhythms and sleep, which means that getting exposed to light at night can block melatonin production. Consequently, if there is an underlying issue, like with me having anxiety and OCD, the synthetic hormone melatonin is just a band-aid. If it's a natural melatonin OTC, it probably comes from the pineal gland of an animal, which is still a band-aid. I remember the last time I took five melatonin pills, and I did get sleepy but I turned on my cell phone or tv and it completely ruined my ability to get proper sleep and rest. I was a sh¡t show of productivity the entire nextday. I was restless and unable to focus. I was too worried the night before about something (I don't even recall what it was), that it kept me from wanting to let the sleep aid do its job.

Other times, melatonin hasn't worked, but I am certain that I just didn't take enough. Most doctors say it is okay to take between three to five pills at once despite the directions on most melatonin bottles usually recommending only one pill at a time. Besides, taking anything synthetic for too long without a doctor's recommendation and supervision is just asking for trouble. I say always find the source of an issue and deal with that first. Melatonin has worked for me in the past, don't get me wrong. I don't want to be adversarial to those whom are aided by it. But, I do recall having minor effects (i.e. nightmares) when I did consume the sleep aid pills. I didn't take melatonin last night, but it sure did feel like it because I had some pretty awful nightmares. They were the kind that happen as a nightmare within a nightmare. Probably like the nightmares that Steven King has except he has an incredible talent for penning his nightmares and dreams into stories on paper. I wish I had that gift. Anytime I try to write down my dreams and nightmares, my OCD interrupts and I get caught up in spelling, grammar, word definition, syntax, and it just makes what may have been an interesting story turn into something boring like an instruction manual. You see . . . I did it again, I tripped into a tangent and failed to describe the nightmare. Let's just say that the nightmare was upsetting and surreal. In my nightmare last night, a friend died in a fire. I do not know who the friend was, but I was very upset by her death. Yeah, I do remember it was a female friend. My spouse, who was just my friend in the dream - we had not yet started dating, knew about the fire, and instead of coming to tell me about it, she went to her ex. My late mom even made an appearance in the dream. I think Mom was taking everyone else's side over mine. I don't even remember what everyone was arguing about. I just remember waking up with a headache and feeling shaken up. I did rethink the night before to make sure I had not taken melatonin, and I know I didn't. Then, driving to campus this morning for work and listening to Stern's episode about insomnia and melatonin was just too hokey for me. Kismet or serendipity? I don't know.

Book of D: Meghan Markle's Archetypes Podcast (Spotify)

I have been following Meghan Markle's Archetypes podcast on Spotify for a while now. In fact, I recently embedded a link to it below in the footer of this blog. The podcast is really good. I highly recommend it. I also like Mayim Bialik's podcast, Breakdown. ⁠I will have to dedicate a post to Bialik's podcast soon and add a link via my blog (Breakdown also available on YouTube). But for now, I wanted to share brief commentary about Markle's podcast. First, let me start off by saying that I truly adore and admire this beautiful person, Markle. Whatever issues the British monarchy and British press (that I love to rename the "Fleet Street Enema") have with Markle and Prince Harry, well, that's on them. I love them both: #TeamHarryAndMeghan💙💙.

I'm no Tory nor an Anglophile, so matters related to the Brits are null and void with me and the royal family are personas non grata. Markle has been independent and autonomous for a long time and has pretty much marched to the beat of her own drum. She knew fame, wealth, philanthropy, and compassion way before she met Harry; in fact, I would add that it was her who saved Harry. She saved the prince from the antiquated and tyrannical throes and confinements of the Mountbatten-Windsor family. Tangent. My bad. Anyway, Markle's Archetypes hits on important topics that revolve around women's' issues these days. It hints at the misogyny and bigotry still ailing and degrading women (especially centered around BIPOC). When one searches for Markle's podcast, one of the captions associated with the description includes this: "Hosted by Meghan Markle, the podcast Archetypes discusses the labels and tropes that try to hold women back." That, folks, is saying it all in a nutshell. And speaking of nut, aren't you all (women, that is) tired of all the fucking tropes used towards women when men fail to understand us or get too intimidated by us. They use the trope, "nut," as a colorful and condescending way to change the subject and further degrade and stifle us. I am so glad that Markle includes the issue of labels and tropes in her podcast because it is not just patronizing, it is divisive and way overboard with microaggressions and bias. Anyway, my post today was not meant to get into too much detail about any one particular episode of Archetypes, although the one with Serena Williams (a.k.a. the first guest) was really good as was the one with my cousin from another dozen: Mariah Carey. Overall, I just appreciate what Markle is doing with her podcast by giving voice and power to the often muted and powerless. Power on, Meghan Markle. I got your six!

Sidebar Note: Bialik also talks about those "tropes" on her Breakdown episode ("Trauma Brought the Gift of Help") with guest, Anjelah Johnson-Reyes (Yes, that Anjelah from the "Nail Salon" bit fame). 

Book of D: New Office Space with Pics

So, I used my Blogger app to upload pics of my new office. I am happy. Can you tell?!! LOL. This office will eventually become the space for the new Director of Counseling Services - once he/she is hired. The office is a little tired, but it is huge and yet cozy; it just needs to be painted. My supervisor was heedlessly pulling off the "Command" strips that once held my late colleague's personal wall curios, and he managed to pull down some of the paint. Yeah, only he could manage such a feat. 😆

Below are the recliners that belonged to my late colleague who died last November. Rest in peace, Stacie. The recliners were moved to our campus east storage facility. I am waiting on two chairs to replace the recliners. I am making due in the meantime cuz that's how we (Falcons) roll. A sincere "thank you" to Stacie's MOM for donating the recliners to our U! We loved and admired Stacie 💔!

Below are pics of my storage space next door, which bears my name as well because it will eventually become my new office - once it is painted and carpeted. The VP of Student Affairs, who is also the Dean of Students and my supervisor, is sharing this space with me. 

This is my view from my office. Moreover, this is our counseling & psychology practicum ward, which connects, via an oblique manner, to the department of literature and languages and history.

Book of D: Old Memories, New Office, and New Colleagues

Well, the move is official. I am no longer in the Falcon Center (a.k.a. Falcon Zone) on the first floor next to the Falcon Bookstore. I am on the 4th floor in the north wing (in the Counseling hallway). Both the graduate programs, counseling and psychology, facilitate their respective practicum programs within this part of the building; therefore, I'm right smack in the middle of the grind, if you will. I get melancholy walking through the hallway as I remember my stint as a mental health counseling student. Those days were rough, but I learned so much. It was such an arduous process, and I am still not sure how I managed to get through it. I worked fulltime and attended grad school fulltime. There were days that I would be gone from home starting as 7 am till 11 pm because I worked at the university during the day, then I transitioned into grad student at night. The last couple of semesters of practicum and internship were the most grueling, but it has paid off immensely. 

Anyway, suffice it to say, I really like where my office is situated now. I have more interaction with other people, not just in my division, I am close (in proximity) to the professors who are pooled within the department of literature and languages and history, which includes my bestie who is a history prof, Ana; she is just 50 feet from me. So, woo hoo. The other wing on the 4th floor (the south or admin wing) consists of all the executive/senior level administrators (University President, VP, Provost, Chancellor, Dean, Comptroller, Title IX team, etc.), so I am going to get to schmooze, big time with the big wigs. Kidding. Or not. Baby needs a new pair of shoes😄.

Sidebar note: The Wi-Fi has always been somewhat problematic in this building, the Mesa Building (MB), even when I was on the first floor. I think it is because when the MB was first built in the early 70s, the "brutalist" architecture was popular, so our campus, well, our main building where I am situated, was constructed to model that kind of rough aesthetic. The bad thing is the thick concrete walls muddle with our Wi-Fi, but on the bright side, if a tornado comes through, we'll be safe. Hahaha. Knock wood. Funny thing is when I have an attachment to send via text, I have to literally open the door to my office (just a smidge) for the pic or whatever to send; otherwise, I get an error: "message failed to send"! Stupid, yes, this I know, but it's technology and modern or not, it is flawed like most things. When I was on the first floor, I would have to leave the area and walk outside to the Quad to send texts with attachments. Now, I just have to open the door. I usually keep the door open unless I have a Zoom or Teams meeting or training, so the Wi-Fi isn't as brutal, plus, I get to look really "woke" by having an open door to meet with our "open door policies." Cheesy joke, this I also know. I am lucky I don't have worse things to complain about - aside from missing my former colleagues; the ones who moved to the new Center for Student Belonging and Inclusion. However, my new cohorts are really nice. Plus, we have more in common since we all have counseling and psychology in common. 

The other thing I have to get situated, which is also minor, is getting my late coworker's office furniture switched out with my new office furniture. It's weird being in Stacie's office especially using her desk. I had the university moving team bring my chair from my other office, so at least I am not using her chair. The two recliners she personally bought and had in the office were donated by her mom to UTPB. My supervisor had them removed and the moving team took them to the east campus storage facility where they will probably get auctioned off - unless someone else wants them. I am okay with Stacie's desk for now; although it is more utilitarian (drawer files and bins), I am not fond of the executive (bulky) style or beechwood color. The new office furniture that awaits me is walnut and although I am not overtly fanatical of the color, the style does suit me more. It is more modern (minimalist) and comes with an electric standing desk, so I can stand whenever I want to because sitting and being stationary kind of sucks. I'll try to post pictures. I have to get them from my phone to my computer first. Let's see how Mr. Wi-Fi allows that transfer to take place. LOL.