Stories by D: New Blog "HER"

Please feel free to read my new blog.

Where I will continue my preternatural, horror stories about "her".

  "HER"

Book of D: Sara's Mother

My spouse, Sara, wrote the passage below (in italics) about her mother. Her relationship with her mother has been estranged for years. In fact, they officially surpassed the halfway mark approximately ten years ago - in other words, since her days on this earth, my spouse has lived more years sans her mother in her life than with her in it. Actually, my wife made an interesting comment (as I wrote today's blog post) regarding the time her mother was in her life, "Was she really in my life, though?" ... "We didn't have a meaningful relationship  - not like a mother and daughter should."

I am saddened about my spouse's familial situation. It's a constant reminder to me to never forget how lucky I was to have had such an amazing mother. My mom accepted me for who I was. My mom adored my spouse very much. My spouse always says that my mom was more of a mother to her; my mom was the closest example of a mom to my wife.

Anyway, below is what my beautiful wife wrote about her mother back on April 22, 2023 following a positive session with her brilliant counselor. 

Mother

She didn't love me enough to be a better mother. I have since come to understand that there is no such thing as someone "loving you enough" to be better. People can only be as good as they are, no matter how much they love you. That's the bad news. The good news is that you have the power to hold their actions differently in your own mind and heart. You can choose to believe that your value is inherent, it's yours, and that the way your mother treated you says something about her, not you. Or you can choose to believe that your mother's neglect means that you are unlovable and worthless. As long as you keep that wound from closing, you'll be sore. 

Mother just didn't have the tools to navigate out of her own pain. She is a wounded child who had never developed beyond the emotional level of a teenager. That understanding freed me to start to be more forgiving toward myself, and to quit working so hard not to be my mother. 

Book of D: Hello My Onions - A Friendly Reminder About the Here and Now

"Hello my Onions!" Lol. I say this as if I had a massive group of followers. I wish. Or maybe not. 

It's been a while since I have posted. Lots of stuff goin' on, peeps. It's been like a spaghetti western: some good, tads of bad, and plenty of  ugly. First, I hurt my left arm / shoulder in May. I fell so hard and awkward that I not only hurt my humerus, which was not at all as the name might imply (i.o.w. - not humorous), but I managed to dislocate and tear other *stuff* including my rotator cuff. It's been 3 months, and the healing process has been slow. My left arm is actually shorter than my right arm now, which was not the case before my accident. HaHa.

Anyway, I had a few things on my mind that I wanted to share, but I'll keep it brief for now. Perhaps later this week or next, I will elaborate further. But for now, I'll just say that I have been antsy and avoiding living in the "here and now." Mirky mind and mucky thoughts. Whatever that bullshit even means. Yeah, Gestalt would be angry with me as he posited that living in the "here and now" helped increase one's self-awareness. Then, as uncanny as it was, this morning, I started watching a YT video (a channel I subscibe to), and the gentleman mentioned "being in the present." Wow, that's like the "here and now" . . . ! Semantics, ppl, it's all the same. This man was referring to the "present" in a theological manner and explained that G-d hands out joy in the "present" and if one does not enjoy it as such, he will never enjoy life and it will simply pass him by (paraphrased from Ecclesiastes 5:19). I'm not a religious person, but surprisingly, I did draw strength and comfort from this YT influencer's message. 

It is burdensome to me that I have not been living in the here or now - or in the present. Whichever manner, psychologically or religiously, that others opt to garner solace from  the act of "being present" or in the "here and now," for me, the psychological aspect of it reminds me to bask in today's ventures and to stop and smell the proverbial roses. It's also nice to be able to pass said message forward - as I was able to do with one of my sisters ealier, but that, too, is a topic for another day. 

Well, that's my personal dilemma lately: not being present in the here and now and worrying too far into the future. As if we humans have much control over life, let alone the future. And, as the saying goes: "we plan, G-d laughs." 

T.B.C. - I promise. *BTW, my apologies that my "Onion Gang" characters look like chickens 🤭. LOL.Their root heads/sprouts are difficult to draw sans A/P Photoshop. I'm out-of-pocket this weekend, spending time away from digital art programs. I'm having to somewhat resort to the O.G. hand to paper art🎨medium. But as I drew, I did remain in the "here and now!" That's progress, my onions!

Book of D: Un-Independence Day

Where did my country go? Yeah, it's a rhetorical question. As I sit here in my wonderful and recently renovated great room, watching one of those foreign flicks with subtitles that I adore beaucoup, it hits me hard that this country is never going to be free or independent for anyone  - especially not for minorities. The pondering of such things stemmed from an event that occurred just a few minutes ago. I logged onto a server that hosts a family thread between my niblings and myself. I was bidding everyone on the thread a pleasant night and asked if they had had a nice day. My nephew who lives in the south part of town said that the cops had been in his neighborhood about two hours earlier and made people who were setting off fireworks to discontinue doing so and to disperse into their respective homes. My nephew added that there were several police cars out there enforcing the firework's ban. I was kind of perplexed and ambiguity set in; conversely, I was kind of glad that the popo were doing their jobs because, as a concerned homeowner, it worries me that too many people ignore firework's bans and such. I didn't want my nephew's home to get caught in the middle of a careless fire. I was worried about my home, too, which is why I decided to run the sprinkler system. As I finished watering the front lawn and turned off the system, I received a text from my college friend who lives in the north side of town. She said that people in that neighborhood were still setting off fireworks. I told her about the police being at the south side of town enforcing the ban. She stupidly said something to the likes of 'well, that is a rough side of town and people there don't appreciate laws nor about taking care of their property.' She didn't know I have a nephew who lives on that side of town, but she soon learned that I did as I read her the riot act. She apologized. We ended the convo on a good note. But, I didn't pursue asking her for the favor I had wanted to interject with during the communication. Regardless of all the favors I've done for her, especially during grad school. 

It dawned on me that in the neighborhood where my spouse and I live, there were no police out enforcing bans or laws or whatever. I could hear way too many fireworks going off and never heard police sirens. But, this neighborhood isn't considered a bad part of town. Sure the homes are older, but most people take really good care of their respective homes (and lawns). Although my spouse and I once considered having a home built in the more prominent north part of town or just buying a turn-key one, we opted to remain where we are. We're only three blocks away from my sister and her family, which is cool during holidays, birthdays, or family game night. Plus, we have an understanding with our immediate neighbors, and although we're not chummy, we watch out for one another's property. I feel better living in this neighborhood because there is a mixture of people. The best part is there are no H.O.A. rules and fees. We've gradually renovated our awesome home throughout the years and are not far from paying off our mortgage. Moreover, we're in an area of town with a more mixed salad of races and ethnicities, per se. If we moved to the north side of town, we'd be living in an opulent area where H.O.A. fees are not just a setback but so are the people. If they're not white,  belligerently racist and ultra conservative, they're sycophantic minorities trying to fit in. Just like my friend who texted me earlier and foolishly stated that the cops are prejudiced against the south side because it's predominantly brown, black, and trashy. That friend, by the way, is Hispanic and her husband works in the oilfield industry. He's a roustabout with no college education who makes a six figure income. Yeup. Only in Midland! Anyway . . . Fuck the north side. Fuck the popo. But, mostly, fuck independence day in 'Merica.

Book of D: Star Wars or Star Trek

Why Do Many People Identify As A “Star Wars” Or A “Star Trek” Fan? Does It Have To Be Either/Or? People say it all the time: “I’m more of a Star Trek than Star Wars fan.” People ask it just as often: “Are you more into Star Trek or Star Wars?”

...Can it not be both? 

Personally, I have never understood the question’s assumption that being a fan of two filmic or televisual narratives set in outer space would be inconceivable. Preferring one over the other is obviously fine, and common, but appreciating both equally is just as valid. Still, comparing the two is a misguided exercise: the universes are too separate, founded on different principles, and largely exist in different mediums. The basis of the question is weak. People might as well be asked if they’re more into Jack Reacher (2012) or Adventureland (2009) simply because both take place in Pittsburgh— that makes them the same thing, right? Of course nobody thinks like that, but it’s essentially the logic of the question. Other than the fact that both Star Wars and Star Trek take place in space—a pretty thin criteria upon which to establish a preference for something—the two franchises have little in common. People who aren’t a big fan of either Star Trek or Star Wars tend to be the ones offering this query, reasonably assuming the two have more in common than the first word of their titles. Yet we fans feel the duty to provide an answer, even though we know it’s an unimportant distinction. We profess our allegiance and move on to the next topic. They are distinctly different universes each replete with its own lovable qualities. But there is simply too much explaining to do in telling someone why Star Trek and Star Wars are not that similar. That said, the truth is that people (myself included) do tend to favor one over the other. But the reason for that isn’t because of the similarities between the two franchises—it’s because of their vast differences.

Star Wars: Launched in 1977 as a film. Now, the franchise consists of: Seven films (soon to be nine) An anthology film and a spin-off film Several animated television series Dozens of video games Four theme parks Countless issues of comic books and novels Various radio programs, toys, board games, and endless merchandise Star Wars is primarily a classic battle of good versus evil. This contrast is represented by The Force, an omnipresent energy that binds all living things and the universe. The Force can bestow various powers upon those that can harness it, including telekinesis, clairvoyance, and mind control. The “dark side” of the Force uses these things for malevolence. Its narrative is based on classic literature like Beowulf and King Arthur and is presented in a format known as “space opera.” Star Wars was designed primarily as entertainment and the thematic messages of its narrative, putting less emphasis on the believability or scientific authenticity of its various sci-fi creations. The franchise is set in completely fictional locations with no known connection to Earth. It depicts a universe where constant conflict exists. The bulk of the universe’s known canon comes from its feature films. Star Trek was launched in 1966 as a procedural television show which ran for 79 episodes. The franchise now consists of: The original television series Four live action spin-off television shows (soon to be five) One animated television series 12 feature films (soon to be 13) Dozens of video games, board games, tabletop games, pinball machines, card and role playing games Countless comic books and novels Various toys and endless merchandise Star Trek was the product of Cold War and cultural sentiments of the 1960s. It promotes a vision of humanity that operates as a unified race, free of the burdens of hunger, poverty, or the need for material gain. Humanity has evolved into a race striving for self-betterment and knowledge, exploring the galaxy to that end. Its primary protagonists are representatives of a group known as Starfleet, which is an Earth-based organization that traverses space in search of new life. When they meet new species, they strive to not interfere in the natural progression of that species. Star Trek was created as a “space western,” to reflect societal desires at the time of its creation and to offer a philosophical example of a promising future for humanity. It attempted to establish scientific logic to many of its science fiction creations and is frequently cited as the inspiration for many realized modern technological developments. Much of Star Trek’s drama is based on diplomacy and exposition as opposed to action. It directly explores the nature of humanity, and that exploration serves as the foundation for the franchise’s material. Star Trek is based on Earth characters and takes place in our local galaxy as well as fictional locations with fictional races. It depicts an Earth where conflict no longer exists. The universe’s known canon is shared between its television series and feature films. Each universe is clearly packed full of material thanks to decades of consistent fandom. In quantity of visual entertainment, Star Trek is considerably bigger than Star Wars. Its television series alone consist of over 700 hour-long episodes of programming, and it still exceeds Star Wars in number of feature films. Both franchises have so much literary material that it is a challenge to count: Star Wars novels are still immensely popular, and Star Trek comics have been written near-continuously since 1967. But these statistics aren’t what separate the two. Content is where the difference lives, and the difference in content can be seen in each title—by the word that follows “Star.” Star Wars is about people struggling to survive in a persistent, ongoing war. Star Trek is about people trekking through space, looking for new species and information.

People love Star Wars because it can be revisited endlessly; its classic epic narrative never grows old. Good will always triumph over evil, while the preceding struggle never fails to engage us in an entertaining coming-of-age journey that carries us through a satisfying climax and resolution. Star Wars also marks the first time many of its strongest fans were completely blown away by a moviegoing experience. When Star Wars hit theaters, it was a spectacle. Its characters aren’t rich or complex, but they are likable in their simplicity. Its narrative was linear and simplistic, but it told a basic story in a completely new and incredible environment, and along the way it used some of the most spectacular visual effects anyone had ever seen. Star Wars fans lined the blocks outside theaters trying to get in, and movie houses were sold out for weeks as people flocked to witness this unprecedented film. It was, by definition, an instant phenomenon. Star Trek, in contrast, was so cheap-looking when it premiered in 1966 that it seems hilarious by today’s standards. It was a low-budget show with unknown actors traveling through space and ending up on rocky terrain sets that all looked somewhat familiar. There were rubber masks, boom mics dropping into frame, and frequent and obvious use of models. Many of the series’ plots were ridiculous, and the series became known for its camp more than its quality. Star Trek didn’t even achieve mainstream popularity until after its cancellation while it was being shown in broadcast syndication. The show’s growing popularity during syndication led to the creation of several Star Trek films and, eventually, its first spin-off series, The Next Generation (1987), which triggered Trek’s explosion in popular culture. Almost all of the franchise components named above came after The Next Generation. While Star Trek premiered to a generation of people who are now grandparents, both franchises have spanned decades and captured the hearts of multiple generations. The ability to observe each franchise from its origins and appreciate its evolution is one of the factors that commands such a powerful love from fans—that and the unisex nature of both series, which include a plethora of characters with whom people of either gender can identify. Fandom for both series can be shared between parents and children, men and women, young and old. That makes for strong bonds, and strong commitment. The Guardian put together a side-by-side collection of interviews where people explain why they’re a Star Trek or Star Wars geek. A pro-Star Wars fan explains, “Star Wars caught on in a way Star Trek didn’t because it taps into something more universal, more felt than thought, grounded in some of our deepest, most instinctual dreams. Star Wars isn’t really even science fiction, except in the sense that it contains robots and spaceships as window dressing. It’s simply a grand fantasy playing on all the old archetypes, wrapped up in a package that appeals to today’s filmgoer.” (Meanwhile, die-hard “Trekkies” often cite the fantasy versus sci-fi divide as an argument against Star Wars.) One of the Guardian’s Star Trek fans counters criticisms of Trek‘s production values: “The original Star Trek series is often derided for its 1960s campy silliness and for effects that barely held up to scrutiny even then, but it was incredibly progressive in matters of race and gender. It makes Star Wars, released a full decade later, look almost laughably retrograde.” Some Star Trek and Star Wars fans also like to theorize hypothetical situations, such as: Could The Federation win a battle over the Empire? Does a phaser beat a light saber? Is Boba Fett’s Slave ship stronger than the Enterprise-D? These are in-depth, reasoned comparisons, complete with an infographic. But that is the kind of material that we nerds talk about among ourselves. When people ask if we prefer Star Trek or Star Wars, our opinions are heard, but they have little influences on how fans ultimately align. With two universes made up of a multitude of media, viewers’ decisions as to what to watch (and re-watch) come down to the core of what each narrative is: an entertaining space-based battle between good and evil, or a longer-form philosophical examination of the human condition. Trek requires work and appreciation for slow-paced intellectual drama, while Wars thrives on energy, charisma, and universal archetypes mixed with odd otherwordly creatures. The choice between the two is a matter of taste and not at all a reflection on which is, ultimately, a better story. I submit that both are worth loving.

Book of D: Remembering Philip

As I was watching one of my favorite YT wood working channels, I thought about my dear nephew Philip. He would be 43 years young this June, 2023. He passed away much too soon (May, 2000). Why didn't Philip get to live as long as the rest of us? Why didn't Philip get to keep living as the rest of us have? Why was he pulled away to some unknown realm and denied the ability to stay with us? What did he do that was so wrong? I don't subscribe to the bullshit edict (or whatever you want to call it) that people die and go to heaven because "god" needed another angel. What kind of bullshit is that anyway! Philip was beloved and needed here, with us, his family. He had just moved in with a young lady he loved. He was just starting to come out of his shell, per se, and start living life. The shy but well-mannered young man was starting to do the things he wanted to do in life. He never hurt anyone or disrespected his family and elders. So, why did he not get to move forward with our family! So, it is now Wednesday, April 5, 2023, and I didn't get to finish the blog post from the 26th of March. Not sure why. I think it was just too much for my brain to process. But, I must say that not one day goes by that I don't think about my wonderful nephew. I remember how much he liked to discuss things that involved wood working, cars, music, books, movies, etc.... there wasn't much that I couldn't discuss with Philip. The one major topic included wood working and building things from scratch. I guess that is why the YT channel I mentioned earlier sparked thoughts of my beautiful nephew. I miss him. I miss Philip so damn much. I cried with my spouse a couple of days ago; actually, it was the day I started writing this post (March 26, 2023). I had not cried so much as I did that day. There is actually another reason for my bout of melancholia, but that will have to be a post for another day because that reason is ridden with way too much sadness and heartache in and of itself.

Book of D: My Spouse is a Rock / Rock Star

I still feel like my spouse's health scare ordeal was surreal. Not trying to rhyme, folks, sometimes, it just happens. In the March 13, 2023 post titled "Grateful for My Spouse, Family, and Friends," I did not go into much detail about what happened. I was just glad that the situation was over and handled. I don't think I have had much time to breathe or to really think about it much. My training as a counselor did not allow me to sink into the story-telling mode of "what could have happened." I am using Gestalt therapy to guide me into staying in the "here and now," thus denying my psyche to venture off into fallacy land. Until recently, that is. For the past few days, I have thought about the negative repercussions that could have ensued had my spouse's condition gone unattended and undiagnosed. As I mentioned in that March 13th post, a case of food poisoning around February 27th led to gastroenteritis and severe dehydration by the time we took her to a walk-in emergency care clinic on March 5th. That is when and where the medical staff ran several tests and discovered that my spouse's creatinine had reached a dangerous level of six (6). Her kidneys shutdown which medically presented as renal failure. Her condition was comorbid because of her type 2 diabetes condition. We didn't ignore my spouse's ails. We actually took her to an appointment on March 3rd with her primary care physician (PCP); she called and they managed to schedule her for a last-minute appointment. The PCP was the one who initially said it was probably just a stomach flu and added that it was viral, so we had to let it run its course. He did not run any tests since my spouse had had a regular check-up with him just two days earlier on March 1st and lab work had already been done and such, but the PCP did prescribe meds for nausea and stomach cramps, etcetera. I had an 8 a.m. appointment at the same facility that morning on March 3rd, but with the nurse practitioner (NP). I drove home to get my spouse for her appointment just two hours following mine. The PCP insisted there could be no food poisoning. Two days later early Sunday morning, as we opted to take my spouse to the walk-in clinic, we thought it would be a routine visit. We thought we would avoid the overly crowded hospital emergency room and go to a walk-in clinic so she could be seen faster and we could return home sooner. Boy, were we wrong. Signature Care (SigCare) was the facility we chose. Thankfully they ran several tests and even reran others to make sure what they were seeing was accurate, which unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) turned out to verify what they feared: the creatinine levels were much too high. SigCare arranged for my wife to be transported via ambulance to Midland Memorial Hospital (MMH). My spouse spent several days at MMH, but her care and treatment were sublime and life saving. Maybe I am being too dramatic. Her life was never at risk, per se, of ending, but her overall health was at risk of permanent damage - especially to her kidneys. Had the high levels of creatinine not been discovered when they were, my spouse could have ended up needing dialysis or a kidney transplant. So, yeah, excuse my theatrics - or not - I don't care, but I believe I am justified to have worried about losing my spouse. The way I have been feeling these past few days is probably related to finally allowing myself to contemplate the "what ifs" and such. I just need to chill and let myself process the whole ordeal, and I, too, shall be fine. I do plan on getting an appointment with an endocrinologist (as will my spouse to help her manage her diabetes) to better handle my thyroid issues. I also plan on returning to the heart doctor who collaborated with the endo since thyroid issues tend to create heart-related issues. The way my chest has been pounding lately is the same as when my thyroid issues were first diagnosed all those years ago. Getting older sucks as it just starts inciting health issues. LOL. Still, I remain grateful for my health and for that of my spouse's; we could each be so much worse off. She was a wonderful patient during her week-long stint at the hospital and home. She loves her job, and she is great at her job, so she was so ready to return to it last Monday, March 13th. She had an award waiting for her upon her return. The DPS Regulatory Division recognized her hard work as region supervisor by issuing her a citation award for her desk and a monetary raise. Like I stated in today's post title, she's a rock and a rock star.

Book of D: Spring Break and Recalling My Higher Ed Journey

While some schools are on Spring Break (SP) this week, several more will not begin theirs until next week. Our campus is currently on SP mode, and it has been so quiet around here. Almost too eerily quite, especially in the new area of campus where I am now situated. Before, at the Falcon Center (a.k.a. Falcon Zone), I at least had four other colleagues who are considered "staff," so they were usually working during SP week. Now that I am in the counseling hallway and next to the literature & language and history departments, which consists mainly of professors and students, I am the lone wolf, per se, in more ways than one. My job is categorized as "staff," so I am a staffer mixed in with the academia peeps. LOL. I once did p/t work as an adjunct faculty member and an SI and was categorized as "faculty," but since moving to student affairs from student success, I am a staffer. None of this really matters. I have a job that makes me happy, but most of all, I have my masters degree, which is my most prized possession. Had you told me 20 or even 10 years ago that I would have returned to college and obtained a bachelor's degree, I would have said you were crazy. Had you told me that I would go on to earn a master's degree, I would have insisted you get your head checked. Man, time went by so fast yet so slow. But, I am here. There are still times when I panic as I ponder my future, but if there is anything my psych and counseling education taught me, it is these three things (mostly based on humanistic [Rogerian being my fave] and Gestalt schools of thought): live in the here and now, do not worry about tomorrow, and focus on what makes me happy.

Book of D: Grateful for My Spouse, Family, and Friends

What a week. So much to catch up on. I've been away caring for my wife. She has been at MMH since Sunday. A case of food poisoning led to gastroenteritis and severe dehydration, which caused her creatinine levels to rise to a dangerous 6. Her kidneys basically shutdown at that point. She has diabetes type 2, so everything was made worse via comorbidity. Thankfully, after great care by MMH, her levels have stabilized (creatinine, glucose, white blood count, bp, etc.). I am back to work on Monday.