Self-Indulgence Post: The Art of Loving Oneself: Learning to Say “NO”

One would think I had finally mastered the art of turning down any offers that, clearly, are not good for me; or declining an invitation whose outcome would hardly stand to do battle with me sticking a hot poker in my eye. Saying “no” should flow freely from my mouth, but I assure you, it does not. I won’t go into the finite details, for that would be too messy and perhaps be boring as hell. But, I will say this, saying “no” to people, when you really don’t want to partake in something they are requesting of you, is probably the single greatest act of kindness (and freedom) you can gift to yourself.

So, why is it that many of us are stuck on the idea of not wanting to hurt other people’s feelings that we suck it up (suck up our own feelings, that is) and grudgingly go along with what other people want us to do? Why is it embedded in many of us to be so darn polite? Why can’t we be like most assholes and just say “no?” Damn it, I hate that I don’t allow myself to say “no," and instead say "yes" when deep down all I want to do is run away screaming. I hate when I don’t negate the situation more. What am I, a freaking five-year old? Actually, most five-year olds can say “no” better than I can, so forgive me my bad analogy.

Anyway, I can practice saying the word “no" in my head; I practice it quite frequently in preparation of a scenario that might place me in a position of politely having to say “yes.” I visualize the probable conversation in my head, and I carefully study it, so when the moment of tyranny (yes, tyranny) arrives, and a person poses an unwelcome question, invitation, or request my way, I can be at the ready to say “NO!" Question to self, though? If I am so mentally prepared, why in the hell do I always end up saying “yes?" My id, ego, and super ego all get mad at me for not being able to muster the word "no!" Hell, even my heart gets pissed off because my squeaky, pathetic, little voice doesn’t have the sense or the courage to spew the word “no” every once in a while. If you think my heart is pissed, you should hear the other colorful names my brain has for my shrieking, little bitch of a voice. 

So, I go forward, continuing to visualize myself saying “no.” Especially being able to say it to those people whom I really don’t want to hang out with or do a favor for. However, in reality, I know the "real" word I am most likely going to reply with no matter how badly I want to runaway screaming. Really? Do I have to repeat the word? Well, because I am so complacent and don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, the word I will more likely than not reply with when said proposition is spewed upon me is "YES!" I will probably reply with the awful three letter word: yes. I might not want to hang out with the person or look at his or her awful vacation or baby photos, but I am probably going to say "YES." Ugh, I piss myself off. Oh, the self-contempt. I want to sue myself in court. LOL.

STAR WARS: JEDI DORA IS NOW "MASTER OF THE ORDER!"

Self-Indulgence Post: Catcher in the Rye: A Comparative.

Okay, so humor me. Many people believe Holden Caulfield's character is actually in a mental ward recuperating from a mental breakdown. Personally, I believe he was in a sanatorium recuperating from pneumonia-like symptoms. Many people believe he was just a lazy and seriously disturbed (and disinterested) person. I believe he was just a bored and severely jaded (and disheartened) young man. 
Is there a diff? Hell, yes!
I can totally relate to Holden's character. 
Often, I have found myself so dissatisfied with the human race that it made me want to move to some faraway place where isolation would be the lone comfort I would need. I have especially been discontented by what a bunch of assholes and morons people can be. 
Often, that feeling has made me want to disconnect myself from the human race -- give or take a few family members and friends who more often provide serenity and lucidity to my life.
Does that make me crazy? Hell, no! 
It does make me aware of my surroundings. Maybe it does make me jaded every once in a while, but it doesn't make me crazy -- or lazy.
I see the world for what it is. 
I often tear myself away from it: I read and write. 
I also remember to communicate with a handful of people (and media outlets) to keep me informed and abreast of current events. 
But mostly, I sit back and look at the world going by, and I, too, bask in the glory and in the same judgmental ways of one Holden Caulfield: 
                                                                      . . . "most people are PHONIES!"

Self-Indulgence Post: Yo, What's the "Diffidence," Y'all? Let Her be Shy!

She used to not be able to talk to me. Thank the karma g-ds she has made strides. Not the way I would like, but she is making and taking baby steps. I no longer feel like I must conquer the mountain that seems to throw everyone off during attempts to undergo the trek (of such a climb). 
 I am not giving up by any means. She is worth the extra bit of fight. 
   She is not always the friendliest, but when we speak, she is affable. 
     She is not always approachable, but when we speak, she is formidable (in a good way). 
       She has the best smile I have ever seen. 
         Her smile alone makes my day. 
           She's just a good person. 
             I am thankful to have her in my life. 
               I still have much work to do.
                 So, I'll be in touch....
                   BTW, I kind of like her being shy. 
                      It's the diffidence that makes her so freaking attractive.