Book of D: Ode to Petro

Good Luck Babe (Chappell Roan)

Book of D: Dream of Petro

The timeline of last night's dream is current day 2024, and it began with you asking me for help via a text message. You sounded so despondent, so I called you. I arranged for us to meet in person. Things got complicated as old feelings arose. We became one for a brief but beautiful moment in time. The old feelings returned as if they had been on hold for mere minutes versus the actual decades that have passed us by in real-life. Everything I had ever felt for you overcame me like nothing I had ever experienced. I believe you felt the same for me.

After our beautiful encounter, we both felt badly. Not for what we had expressed to each other through love, but because neither one of us was free - as we each had spouses.

I recall in the dream that as we rediscovered our feelings, we were at your previous childhood home, the home where your late mom and dad had welcomed this lost soul into the family. The home where I found solace, if only for a brief period of my life, while I was trying so hard to hold on to you and our love. As long as we were together, I was happy in that house. The house where many acts of our love were created. 

So, yes, in the dream, we decided to stop fighting the feelings we had denied for many years and just try to be together. But, as in real life, we became too cerebral and gave in to mindfulness of others. We stupidly decided to weigh our options, if that's what you want to call them, before we proceeded to be together. We decided to talk to other people about the dilemma facing us. We wanted to be mindful and quell as much of the hurt that our relationship might inflict on others. What fuckery that turned out to be.

The dream continued with me going to visit my late mom; she was still alive and living in my childhood home. You went to visit your late parents (both also still alive) at your aforementioned childhood home. As I spoke to my mom about you and our reunion, she immediately guessed what had actually happened between us. I confessed that I had slept with you. My mom knew the love I had always had for you. In fact, the first time you and I broke up, my mom was the first person I called. I was not out, so I lied and said you were a male friend, but, deep down, I know she knew it was you. I cried so hard trying to express my heartache over having lost you. My mom pretty much told me, in a gentle and loving manner, to remember the woman I was and deal with it because I was the only one in control of how my future life would progress: I could choose to be happy or sad. Side-note: In real-life, mom, I have tried really hard for the former: to be happy. Anyway, in the dream, my mom told me to fight for you. She said to forget what others thought or said. She added that you needed help to be strong and that I should help you to be strong. How insightful my late mom was - in the dream as she was in real-life.

Meanwhile, you had a meeting with your folks. Your mom was extremely mad and upset at your news about you and me. However, your dad was understanding. I always loved your dad for his humanity and ability to just listen and be aware. In real-life, your mom and I had a complex relationship. She loved me as I loved her, but she preferred me as your "friend," and nothing else. I am certain that she knew the truth about us. So, naturally in the dream, your mom urged you to return to your spouse and children - although your children are currently adults, but in my dream, they were still young. Your dad intervened and said you needed to be happy and choose love above everyone else. He added that you had already sacrificed enough of yourself for others.

In the dream, I am not sure what exactly transpired following your conversation with your parents, but you ended up back with your spouse and children. You ignored my texts and calls. I was frantic with worry that I had lost you forever this time. I did not want to face the loss of you again. 

I went back to my childhood home in the dreadful dream, but my mom was gone; her absence was unexplained - and it was a huge heartache all its own. But, one of my sisters was there. You remember that sister - the one you knew really well back when you and I were together. My sister lovingly advised me to be prepared and resilient because it seemed as though you were being coerced into complacency. In other words, you were likely being ushered toward choosing family over self - again.

I fell asleep in the dream. I didn't want to be awake because that meant I had to face you not being with me. In the dream, I waited for such a long time to hear from you. Sadly, the next time you communicated with me in the dream was in writing. You didn't even have the courage to call me much less to see me in person. My guess is that perhaps an in-person meeting would only further confuse you. Maybe it would make you change your mind to fully give "us" another try. Maybe you would finally pick yourself and love first. Who knows, my dear Petro!

So, as the dream ominously continued, your only form of contact with me was a package with letters you had written me in previous years but never sent. In one letter, you asked about my late dad and if it was true that he had died in 2007. That was odd because you never knew my dad. He died in 1983 a few years prior to 1989 when you and I actually became best friends. Some of the other letters were obscure and I did not read them in the dream. The only current letter in the package was you asking me to forgive and let you go. You included a cropped picture of yourself, you looked sad. You had stitches and a bandaid over the corner of your right eye. You went on to write, "This is the last scar I can take in my life. No more scars. I need peace. I need you to please let me go. Have a good life." 

So, in my dream, my actual nightmare of over 30 years was rehashed: I had lost you once more. I was heartbroken in the dream, and all I wanted was to see you or at least talk to you over the phone. I wanted my one-last-plea; the one I never had in real-life. My attempts to speak to you in the dream were in vain as my means of communication were intercepted by your husband.

The next day in my strange dream, I woke up, still at my childhood home, with a car (an older grey Chrysler) parked in the street in front of the house. Apparently, the car was left there for me by your spouse to offset the expenses I made so you and I could see each other. Plus, other previous expenses I made to help you out. It seemed that your husband did not want there to be any ties, emotional or financial, between us - as if he was paying off anything he thought would make you beholden to me. Inside the older Chrysler, there was a legal size manila envelope. It included a copy of the car's title signed over to me by your husband, some money, a picture of you (the same one with the bandaid and stitches) only it was uncropped and zoomed out with your kids and spouse in it (you still looked sad), and a picture of your work id showing you worked for the city of Pasadena (I have no idea what any of that meant, especially the work id). 

So finally, I woke up in real-time, real-life and sure I was shaken up. The feelings of you leaving me again were too much. Plus, it only enhanced the woe I have felt all these years from having been estranged from you - an estrangement not of my choosing. As I laid awake and recounted your monosyllabic letter in the dream about scars, I thought how apropos had I responded with this: "I understand about the scars. Although my scars are invisible, they hurt just as much. I also need to be allowed to live in peace." 

My dear Petro, I must admit that I still miss you, but waking up to all those negative feelings was too consuming. Just as such, I decided to get up, be positive, and write as much about the dream to help me cope. Writing for me has always been cathartic.

I don't know why I dream about you. I hope you are happy and fulfilled and that you are hoping the same for me. I doubt I will ever see or speak to you again. It's doubtful for a myriad of reasons. I guess I have to fully accept that fact and be somewhat satisfied with just seeing you in dreams. I just wish for better dreams with positive outcomes where no one gets her heart broken - especially me. I've had enough. It's quite enough. Enough!

--- Thank you to my wife of over 26 years for giving me so much love and support. But mostly for the courage she has instilled in me that allows me to write down all the things that ail and aid me. 

~ *Olive Juice*!!!