Book of D: The Art Between a Disagreement and an Argument

A disagreement and an argument are totally different. A disagreement is when both parties are trying to make a positive change - while an argument is when one party is trying to win. If you're arguing with someone you love, that should be the time when you shouldn't want to win. Why would you want to win over someone you're supposed to care deeply about. Right? (rhet.)

Thanks to the indomitable Terry Lewis for saying something similar to this during his acceptance speech; I paraphrased his eloquent comment 😉. Lewis, along with his career partner and friend, Jimmy Jam, were inducted during the 2022 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Lewis and Jam (a.k.a. James Harris III) are one of the most successful writer-producers of the 1980s till this very day. The musical artists and community with whom they have collaborated is simply astounding. Anyway, I just had to put that out there regarding the art between a disagreement and an argument.

Book of D: Letting Go Without Getting Scathed

Not long ago, one of my friends, who had just broken up with his girlfriend of nine years, told me, “I really hate that almost everything I’ve had to let go of in my life has scratch marks on it.” I took it as him trying to describe what a difficult time he was having with things he has no control over. I definitely relate to that - as I’m sure many people can, too. I must confess that I have had a hard time letting go of certain things in my own life. At certain junctures, I also found myself scathed and scratched up from my inability to accept things and let go.

Laws of Karma

I accept culpability for my part in it, but I also hold the other parties accountable. I am not so omnipotent where I should take full blame for things because everything good and bad takes more than one person to carry out. 

Additionally, I'm no longer that silly, confused, lovestruck person who basically let others walk all over me while I, conversely, partook in some ill behavior as retribution. My coping mechanism at one time in my life was to hurt others the same way they had hurt me. It's not an excuse, it's a fact. I do not condone my inferior actions, but I no longer castigate myself for being that way because I did not know how to funnel my feelings or to control them. My initial response to things that hurt me was to fight back. I have always despised being ignored, too, so whenever anyone ignored me, well, that was also cause for me to be a nonsensical hater. I hate that part of my life, but I cannot change it. I have accepted what I did, and for those I hurt, I have made peace with and forgiven myself. I was told by an intellect and kind of a Yoda wizard that when we put hurt out into the world and recognize that we have done so, we only owe it to ourselves and maybe even karma, or whatever deity we believe in, to be remorseful and to do better going forward. He added that we are never expected to apologize to those we hurt unless it is with purpose. In other words, apologies are for the people who have been static in our lives and will continue to be. And while regret is okay in moderation, apologies should be held for those who truly matter. Apologizing to someone who has not been in your life for a long time is nonsensical and self-deprecating. My Yodaesque acquaintance went on to explain that karma works much like the biblical "you reap what you sow." He recommended that people ask themselves what they need to release so they can create space for the thing(s) they desire in their lives. In essence, like a computer, clean out the files that are unessential and do nothing for us in order to make space for the truly important files. 

So, let's print out a "circle of control" worksheet and rethink what we can and cannot control. Maybe we can even create a Venn diagram to show how some items and people might belong in the middle of the "can/cannot" control area. But, to keep true to today's post, let's be more methodical and contribute more good will to our own lives so we are able to put good things into the world. Let's keep ourselves from getting scathed by holding on to the people and things that are not good for us. Let it go!

Book of D: Remembering an Icon: Mama

Today marks 11 years since we lost Mom to esophageal cancer. Not one day goes by that I don’t think about her – or miss her. When she passed away, my sisters and I became the elders of the family. I have taken that to heart, but as I try to lead within my family, I have stumbled and failed. Trying in earnest to fill some pretty big shoes – almost always falling short. 

Eva M. Dominguez
(1934 - 2011)

The reason I shared the Christina Applegate post earlier, on social media, was to not just commend her for sharing her story about multiple sclerosis, but because I wanted to share my mom's story and how she dealt with her autoimmune issues and fought back against their debilitating condition – day after day . . . until she went home to meet her Maker. Much like MS and other autoimmune diseases, doctors still don't know from where they originate, or why some people get one illness and other people don't; whether it's genetic or environmental. Esophageal cancer, like MS, is diagnosed late in the illness . . . often making it too late to do anything. My mom was diagnosed at stage 4, and there was little to be done about it, but my mom didn't give up. She kept going, day after day, never giving up, and instilling in us the will to fight because of her own will to fight. She never wavered. We watched in horror and heartache as Mom succumbed to the cancer monster, which I have termed it for public use rather than call it what I usually do in private, and with each passing day, she lost weight because she reached the point in the terminal illness of not being able to eat. Imagine everything that accompanies it; it is much too vulgar and heartbreaking for me to include, plus, it is extremely triggering. 

My mom lives in me. She taught me everything I know right now about loving and listening. Like Albert Bandura (who is my favorite theorist) posited, I learned to socialize and how to treat others well as a child – by way of example more than anything through Mom. I was fortunate to have been her daughter because she instilled in me many values and mores and how it’s best to give a leg up instead of a hand down.

Through Mom, I learned to just listen. If there is one piece of advice I would like to provide to everyone reading this, it would be this: learn to listen to other people with intent and don't listen to respond. Don't be ready to lend advice or make an unneeded comment just to overcome the silence for that denotes it being more about you than about the person you’re supposed to be listening to. I promise you'll learn more about yourself when you listen with a purpose. 

The day of Mom’s funeral, many people reached out to me and my sisters. They shared stories of how my mom had helped them. People I didn't know were approaching me that day to tell how my mom provided shelter, money, food, love, understanding, and compassion, and more often than not, how Mom merely provided the kindness of listening. Yes, many strangers came forward and shared Mom’s stories with us, and it meant a lot to me; I know it meant a lot to my sisters and family. My mom helped other people, not through community, but by standing alone and just doing the right thing. Mom was rich through love; she loved without condition and others reciprocated her love because “how could they not?” She was rich with caring for and about others. She was rich through helping other people without question. She was magnanimous. I've often said that the one word I would always use to describe my mom is magnanimous. 

Through the stories of a hero as defined through canon by the great Joseph Campbell, my mom was a hero. She will always be my hero. ¡Te extraño, Mama!

Book of D: The Wild Doesn't Feel Sorry for Itself

“I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. 

D. H. Lawrence

 A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough 

without ever having felt sorry for itself.” 

 ― D.H. Lawrence, The Complete Poems of D.H. Lawrence

Why is it that humans can't follow suit? After all, humans are supposed to be smarter, right? I know. I know. As humans, our intelligence quotient differs from that of our emotional intelligence, which posits that we're going to eat our emotions and stomp all over making sound decisions. Feeling sorry for ourselves as humans is what sets us apart from the animal kingdom, but is it okay that we use it as an excuse to be assholes to others whenever we're having an emotionally inept kind of day? To this I answer, "NO!" Nothing ever gives us humans the right to mistreat anyone or anything. It's okay to have a pity party from time to time, but it has to stop at one point, and it must never impede upon or create negativity onto another living person, animal, or thing.

Book of D: The 🧡 and Center of the Center

Earlier this morning, our division boss came over to our area so we could follow him to the Student Activity Center (SAC). As it turns out, the furniture for the new Center for Student Belonging and Inclusion (CSBI), which is housed on the second floor of the SAC, arrived an entire month early. The furniture arrived and was set up yesterday. The new CSBI is a beautiful area. It used to be the gaming room, but the decision to move the gamers to a new center at the library was made by the university; that new gaming area is going to be a cool area, too. It has been a long, arduous process to get the gaming room renovated into the CSBI. The staff that is fortunate enough to move there is very excited. The furniture is nice and new. The area just needs to be cleaned (swept, mopped, and dusted), of which I so eloquently (or stupidly) volunteered to be the "lead." Not to clean, which is okay because no one is ever too good to clean, it's an honest living. My vol task was to contact the account manager, of the 3rd party cleaning company the U contracts with, and request that they please clean the CSBI. Anyway . . .

So, to my sheer and utter disappointment, I will not be joining my cohorts to the new CSBI. My role as the UTPB Coordinator of Health and Wellness Promotion is taking on new duties. I'm not sure yet what all that means and entails. Our boss has not been as forthright as we would like for him to be with several of us. I guess being "in the loop" is above our pay grade. There are two of us at the present area who did not "make the cut," per se, and will not be following our other colleagues to the CSBI. Both of us talked after the walkthrough with our boss, and we each expressed our disappointment at not being included in the move to the CSBI where students will be made to feel like they "belong" and are "included." I guess the sentiment of "belonging and inclusion" only applies to students and not to staff. Yeah, that was me being petty and a smart ass. But, am I not allowed to be. After all, for almost two years, I was told that my programs would be a vital part of the CSBI. Two of the newbies are going to the CSBI. I'm not mad at them; their programs are definitely vital and should be part of the CSBI, but I also have the right to feel indignant and despondent over not being included in the move. I knew there was a time when my role would change, but it has not been made clear to-date, so all I know is that I will be moving to the 4th floor near the counseling area. My boss called me on my office phone yesterday and asked how I would feel about "taking Stacie's old office" - to which I politely declined. Rest in peace, Stacie, I respectfully do not want your office. Poor Stacie has barely been gone a week, and the boss is already making plans for her office. That's just not very kosher or cool. You pick which one, but for me, it's both. Plus, it's cynical, trite, and vile to move so quickly after a person has died. But, that's the kind of boss we sometimes have. While he is highly intelligent, knowledgeable, and ambitious, his managerial and people skills are severely lacking. I am happy for my coworkers who do get to move to the CSBI. I won't act in a negative manner towards them or around them. It is what it is. Life happens when we're busy worrying for others. Bottom line, it's dire that we keep all eyes open when working at a university because who you know is as important as the degree that hangs on your office wall. Enjoy the pics.

 

Book of D: Boba Fett & Boba Tea

Earlier today, UT Permian Basin hosted "Boba and Panel Chat" for International Education Week! The event was sponsored by our very own Center for Student Belonging and Inclusion; moreover, Stephanie, our Program Coordinator for International Student Services, served as the event emcee. It took place at the Student Activity Center (SAC) Starbucks Café at 10 a.m.. 

 

Steph was nice enough to bring John and me some Boba ("bubble") tea prior to the event starting. I love that Boba stuff. I asked her if Boba Fett would be at the event, and she just stared at me like 'I don't really know who that is?' LOL. It was funny. John took a while before he got the joke.

Unfortunately, all my fellow Star War's buddies work in other departments on campus, so my dry sense of humor, well, it remains so unappreciated. 😅 The event was nice. We had four of our professors on the panel. Each one from a different country with different experiences on how they journeyed to the U.S.. For the most part, each professor stated that higher education, though extremely tough at times, was the main reason they came to this country. I did some research following the event to see how having a PhD might help a foreigner obtain a green card, and I found some information on VISA Nation that explained it. The following was stated:

"While your Ph.D. does not automatically grant you a green card, you may find that many of the requirements for the EB-1A or EB-1B have been fulfilled throughout your studies. Things like exclusive memberships, scholarly published articles, and acting as a judge are all things that may go along with getting your degree" (2022).

So, I did further research because I wanted to know exactly what EB-1A and EB-1B meant, and it is extremely interesting. However, it is all much too long and not at the heart of today's blog topic, so maybe I will write about it at a later time. That's it in a nutshell, folks! It's time to make tracks.

Book of D: The Admonishing Wind

Today's funeral service for Stacie was quite somber but really nice. (Stacie's obits: Legacy & Sunset Funeral Home)

As for the weather, it was a fairly cold day with moderate winds blowing on and off. The temp during the service reached 49°, but it felt colder because of the winds. The winds were ominous to say the least. As if to warn or reprimand us in firm fashion, the wind could be heard from outside the funeral parlor. The mighty wind seemed intent on crashing in to remind us that we are mere mortals with absolutely no power. A clamorous yell through the mighty air prompting us that the power still belongs to an entity that we are not deserving to know - not now or perhaps never. The pockets of air were accompanied by a fire and brimstone eulogy that probably would have had Stacie herself scratching her head in angst and dubiety. I do not claim to know Stacie's relationship to G-d - nor do I claim to know her relationship with her family, I only lay claim to the myriad of conversations she and I had in the past that left me somewhat perplexed following the funeral service because she always stated that she was more spiritual than religious. Anyway, it is was it is, and the service was still nice as I stated. There were many people in attendance. Our division alone sported around 50 people in attendance at the funeral, which is not bad considering our division has around 80 employees. I was impressed and proud of how many of our "Falcon family" attended.

An email from Corey, our boss, went out on Sunday to let us know how we would proceed with Monday's funeral. Corey also had a "We Are Falcons" flag flown over campus Monday in Stacie's honor. Stacie's mom, dad, and some family members were given a grand tour Monday of the university before the funeral service - during the tour, the flag was presented to her family. I had the good fortune of partaking in a nice conversation with Stacie's mom before the funeral service started; she is a kind lady. I told her I was holding her and the family in my heart.

I will always remember Stacie as the vibrant and intelligent person she was. I had the privilege of training with Stacie when I moved from Student Success to the Dean of Students/Student Affairs. We had experts from UT Austin come up to train us in the area of BASICS and CASICS. Eventually, those programs, along with Bystander Intervention and the Tobacco Use Initiative, came to live with me, and me alone, on a permanent basis. Stacie, as the lone student counselor, believed the programs were punitive to her role, so I became the lone facilitator, and I have never looked back. On occasion, I would seek her advice, but most often, she would simply say, "you got this." Our times together on campus are included in the pictures. There were too many to include, so I am posting the really eventful ones.

Book of D: Flowers, Team Work, and Ambiance

I was honored to have been able to arrange for flowers to be sent to our colleague's funeral service(s). My team (the Center for Student Belonging and Inclusivity - CSBI) and I corroborated via Teams to get Stacie's floral arrangement. Each of us made suggestions and ultimately, we decided that this one arrangement would be the perfect selection.

I offered to pay for the floral arrangement upfront, and my coworkers did not take long, after I placed the order, to remunerate their respective portion via Zelle, Venmo, and Cash App. Honestly, I would have paid it on my own, but the point was to show a unification of sorts. It was also a show of support for one another as we commemorated the passing of one of our own. Team work at our university is in abounds; we truly care for one another, and it means so much - especially during times like this. There are so many events that we each have respectively held and had the support of the other team members. Holding events is part of our jobs. Each coordinator usually facilitates one or two events per semester, but we are fortunate that we can count of the rest of our division to help as needed. Coming together to buy Stacie's flowers was a small show of that unity and team work. There have been several fun events that we have all participated in throughout the years. The most important piece of assembly is that of creating a warm and inviting ambiance. I believe that by sending flowers, we not only provided the much-needed warm ambiance, but we helped facilitate emotional release. Moreover, we shared our expression of respect, sympathy, and love of Stacie to her mom, dad, sister, and the rest of her loved ones.