Book of D: Blame the Dissonance Theory!

A tension or clash resulting from the combination of two disharmonious or unsuitable elements, this is the dictionary's definition of dissonance. However, in psychology the dissonance theory means something different but still derivative from the meaning of dissonance. The dissonance theory posits, when there is an inconsistency between attitudes or behaviors (dissonance), something must change to eliminate the dissonance. American social psychologist, Leon Festinger, is best known for the theory. Moreover, the cognitive dissonance theory asserts that there is a tendency for individuals to seek consistency among their cognitions (i.e., beliefs, opinions, mores, etc.). 
So, with that explanation out of the way, let's move on to a brief "her"story of the person, the muse for today's post. Not so much a story, but an account of a memory I have of her—always have—always will. 

My friend in college (let's just call her Nini) used to believe that she was the crème-de-la-crème when it came to intelligence. In short, she was narcissistic and thought she was the smartest person around. True story. She was reserved and introverted at times. Her downfall was that she seldom took time to get to know people. For example, we both belonged to a couple of academic groups on campus, but I seldom saw Nini reach out to any of the members first. They usually approached her. Nini belonged to both groups before me, but interestingly enough, she reached out to me first. Perhaps, it was the fact that I was older than her. Nini had this thing, or preference, about hanging out with older students. Anyway, back to the academic groups, Nini knew she had earned her right to be part of the groups, and she was chosen (elected) to be a leader for each respective club, so she did not feel like she needed to make herself more approachable. She was a nice person, don't get me wrong. I always enjoyed her company even though she had a tendency to be chatty and dominating over most of our discussions. One could say she monopolized conversations, but because I allowed her to do such a thing, I should just say that I take partial blame for allowing such actions. 

Anyhow, Nini could be really hard on people who hurt her or broke their promise to her. She held grudges, and I used to find it rather interesting and alarming, both. I felt sorry for the poor person on Nini's wrong side, but at the same time, I was glad I was on her good side just listening to her rants about those who crossed her. At times, I wondered if I would ever become one of those people on Nini's bad side. The more I got to know her, the more I wondered "when" not "if" I would end up on her bad side. When would I "fudg-ee-cate" [i.o.w. f*ck up] things up with her, because as smart as she was, she was equally lambasting about other people's faults. Never mind, she had plenty of her own fallibilities. 

She had this thing about putting people on pedestals and then waiting for the moment they could no longer hold up to her admirations and expectations, and she would dismantle said pedestal, like a pissed off person would purposely lose a game of Jenga. I will always remember the day I “fell from grace” in Nini’s eyes. Well, I guess it was that day. A better part of me feels that I had slowly been falling, so the day I was actually banished from the “House of Nini” was not the day she chose for me to be evicted and thrown to the outgroup ala persona non grata. I am certain she was just waiting for me to mess up again to permanently take away my torch. LOL. I have this gnawing feeling that someone else foolishly & contentiously (+ repugnantly 😆) encouraged her decision to break away. On the other hand,  maybe, just maybe, I was doing those significant and relevant things in order to get myself discarded from the house. Maybe I was ready to leave but unable to be the "bad guy." Who knows. Psychology is a paradox and trying to understand ourselves and others is enigmatic. Back to the raft . . . the weeks leading up to said removal, I was starting to feel like things were off somehow. I no longer felt warm nor welcome. I felt like an outlander, per se. Maybe I pushed Nini over the edge, somehow, to make the idea of banishment a reality, once and for all. No more waiting for the other shoe to drop. I would be relieved of nonsensical duties: high expectations and rare reciprocity.
Regardless of why Nini removed me from her life, I am sure she justified it in the end, which allowed her to move on with her life. I am good with that. It also allowed me to move on with my life. Do I wish she had not been so cruel and cold? Maybe. In the end, all I know is whatever or whoever caused her to finally decide that life was better without moi, well, that is all good. If it helped Nini to think that her life was better off sans me, then it is what it is. The dissonance my friendship was causing her needed to go away. She decided how and when it happened. Do I miss this crazy, egomaniacal mess of a person? Maybe/sometimes/I’m not sure. Tune in—in about a year.

Book of D: This is MY GETHSEMANE!

What is it that drives someone to do the vile, awful things he/she does? Is it truly due in part to the various theories of socialization? The idea that you are who you are because of where you grew up and/or because of who you grew up around? Well, that's a mouthful of legumes to take in, don't you agree? Further, a person's ability to subscribe to such ideologies is all dependent on whether the person allows him/herself to subscribe to the many different psychological/sociological theories of the likes of Piaget, Skinner, or Freud—or the various other so-called "experts." 
How we choose to learn and how we choose to live is, in my honest opinion, is a personal process—a deeply rooted idea embedded within ourselves, our psyche. If a person starts out in life being a selfish type of an asshole, chances are, that is the way the person will continue to live out his or her life. It's just his own fault of not wanting to own up to who he really is and how he sees the world. I really don't know. All I really know to this point is that I've been exposed to so many ideas, views, theories, hypotheses, and such as an undergrad psychology student. 

I'm still not sure what I believe, who I believe, and if I am going to go straight GDI and form my own ideas and such. Obtaining degrees in psychology and criminology, well, that doesn't really make me an "expert," now does it? Even when I attain my masters and doctorates, that won't make me an aficionado either. I'll tell you what all this does make me, with said degrees or sans, it just makes me plain ole h-u-m-a-n!
And, all I know is that I have been all victim, suspect, and culprit to many odious, foul events in life, and I still don't understand people. Nor do I understand why they do the bad and good things they do. Why they lie. Why they cheat. Why some are more prone to committing negative actions while others are more readily and able to subscribe towards the positive ones. Why do some people kill? Why do some people hurt others? Why are some people kind? … Quite the paradox, right?
The shitty things I have done to other people, the things I have never been able to admit to and ask forgiveness for, well, they are my shame. The lack of the ability to forgive others for the cruel things they have committed against me, that's partly on me. I really want to forgive fully, but I need them to admit the brutish things they have done to me, against me. In all seriousness, is this really too much to ask?
I just want to abolish the traces of hell I have pushed people into and the ones I have allowed myself to traipse into or been thrown into. I don't want to keep hurting others; moreover, I no longer wish to allow myself to be hurt by others. 
All this . . . all of this . . . this is my Gethsemane.