Not much to say. These days, life finds me trying to grapple with the things I know I can accomplish versus the things I wish I could accomplish. Most of the time, the gray lines are so obscured with my self-doubt and confusion that I am unable to determine which things on my “to do list” belong to which list: the “accomplishable” and the “un-accomplishable.” Yes, these last few days also find me making up my own words. Hey, I have paid many dues in life; I have earned the right to make up my own words if I want to.
Mostly, these last few days find me in a funky mood. I feel as if I am living someone else’s life, and I have been given ringside tickets to the show. Sometimes, I like what I see and other times I am abhorred by what I see. The things I hear are much too complicated to even try to explain.
Additionally, I am extremely perplexed by the nonsense that other people often spew from the often putrid hole on their faces. There are a few people who have no filter; they basically say what they feel. They give no earnest thought to the things they say to others or how those things (that come ripping out of their mouths like canons fixated on a person’s head) are going to affect other people. I am not sure what to do about people like that except to avoid them altogether at all costs.
One person in particular told me something not long ago that had such a dire effect on me that I quit reaching out to her as often as I used to. She might not think that what she told me was consequential to our friendship, but I assure the world, it was; I find myself no longer wanting to hang around her or to get to know her better. If she had the gall to tell me what she did without batting an eyelash on how it would hurt my feelings, then I have no time to give to her in return. I could return the favor and hurt her feelings by divulging what I really think of her family (esp her mom), but I won’t do that. I will keep it bottled up inside for another incident that might arise during which she might once again ignorantly hurt my feelings.
If such an incident does arise (or opportunity), I promise I will not hold back my contentious feelings towards her mother and family. I do not like her parents at all. I think they are low-life scum. Uneducated and uncaring if their children become educated either. That is sad. I especially do not like that the parents, instead of being grateful that someone like me took time to get to know their daughter and to help her out in any means possible (mentoring, loaning money/books, spending time, etc.), are angry and concerned that someone my age would want to hang out with such a younger person. I guess they do not think highly of their daughter and do not believe she deserves a good person (with the ability to provide a good influence on her) to befriend their daughter. If they do not support their daughter as they should (verbal accolades and support as well as financial support), then I can kind of see their fucked up way of thinking backwards. Instead of being positive and seeing good opportunity for what it is, they just smash everything good to hell. I really feel badly for my friend (the daughter stuck in such a fucked up family). She thinks she has it made in life and that she does not need anyone else besides her family. She is severely mistaken. I doubt I will ever see her learn her lesson. Not sure I want to anyway.
