꧄맏😠Since the fiasco that caused my career at the university to come to an end, I have had trouble sleeping. I have been a content creator and making thumbnails and editing videos for some YouTubers for a while now, and I guess I have taken the adage about "when in Rome" to heart. So . . . I have been staying up late watching YouTube and all its glory. At first, I was mostly watching the influencers that I had subscribed to for a long time; only watching on and off - during the day. But then, I started watching without cause or concern. I was watching incessantly, especially DIY channels. Then one night it hit me and I started wondering about the YT videos that cater to ASMR (autonomous sensory meridian response). As a counselor, I am well acquainted with ASMR, especially because I am an avid fan and believer of methods that deal with tapping and meridian points. I just never bought the idea of videos being able to calm and soothe people. I was wrong. The ASMR videos are awesome. I am following new channels that I might not have tried in the past except for the fact that they are listed on ASMR watch lists. I won't mention the channels, but they have actually somewhat helped me push away from the imposter syndrome and self-fulfilling prophecy theories that have been plaguing me for such a long time. I am replacing negative self-talk with positive self-talk and incorporating more of the self-affirmation theory in my daily life. I am trying to replace the screwed up pathogenic beliefs that were embedded in me from an early age and only grew in proportion to my age because of the people with whom I surrounded myself. I'm not casting aspersions; the ideologies and how I chose to allow to allow in my life during any given zeitgeist and epoch are partly of my own doing. I might not have known about or for sure not how pathogenic beliefs were negatively affecting me, but since majoring in psychology and earning a master's in clinical mental health counseling, I have seen the error of my ways. Sure, I still hold others accountable for any maltreatment of me, but I know I allowed much of it. Just like I gave too much power to my former employer and allowed the admin to walk all over me at times. Just like I gave too much power to my former lovers and allowed them to use and abuse me. Just like I am currently giving too much power to my stress and allowing myself to be depleted of melatonin. I can just see the cortisol levels laughing and doing a little jig as they slam my bloodstream. Okay, circle of control: I cannot control what others do or say, but I can control how I react to it. I just need to turn off all electronics by 9 pm and do my breathing techniques as I lay in bed. My new normal should not consist of negativity or for certain not streaming YouTube at 1 a.m. My new normal should only include positive things and people (that's on me). I need to seriously start studying for the National Counselor Examination (NCE). I'm all over the map, per se, but I'll get myself in line. I always have - I always will.
