Book of D: Time to Spring Forward

This is the time change I really despise.😉😁😀😄😎😠😟😞😒 😡😖🤭

Book of D: My Internship Location

This is where I am doing my clinical counseling internship. It's On the Couch Counseling  (OTCC) . My onsite supervisor is Maureena Benavides. It is not "permanently closed" as Google search indicates. I guess I need to get Maureena to "Suggest an edit" to get it properly defined. LOL. I am usually found there during the week, in the evenings, after I complete my f/t job duties with UT Permian Basin (UTPB). I am also at OTCC after 1 pm on Fridays. UTPB personnel only work until 12 pm on Fridays (we work 9 hours M - Th and 4 hours on Friday), so I am able to get more counseling hours on Friday afternoon/evening. I love working with Maureena. I have learned so much, and I have honed my skills as a counselor. I love all my clients. Life is good. I also love UTPB. 😉  

 

Book of D: Regrets: Closets are for Clothes - Not People

Hindsight being 20/20, I wish I had been the one to leave—the first time. I would have saved myself so much grief. Moreover, I would have saved myself so many years of self-doubt; thinking there was something really wrong with me, when in fact, there wasn’t. The only thing standing in the way was that I was female, and she couldn’t handle being in a "same-sex" relationship. After all, what would her perfect mother think (rhet.). She made me feel ashamed to be LGBTQ. I don't completely blame her, though, it was back in the 90s and people still weren't “woke” or accepting of the LGBTQ community. I accept culpability for letting someone keep me in the ole proverbial “closet.” I was a coward all on my own; afraid to “come out” and face censure or critique from friends and loved ones. Whatever the circumstances, I just wish I had stayed away the first time I left. I went back home to west Texas (Midland) after learning she had "been" with her ex (A guy. Sigh. They had "coitus" like Sheldon would say. LOL.). I was heart-broken and gut-busted over learning she had been with him. I moved back with my sis and bro-in-law. I cried myself to sleep at night and soothed my ills and breaks the best I could, unable to tell people why I was so devasted.

I pulled myself together after a while, and I had a good job waiting for me. But I kept communicating over the phone every single day with her, and I eventually succumbed to her cries and pleas for me to return. She said our relationship could be whatever we needed it to be and that we'd figure it out. Damn gullible me. I really loved her. I went back to San Antonio. She meant the world to me, and I forgave the infidelity. I had little self-esteem. I wish I had not lacked in the area of self-worth and confidence back then. I would have pursued so many things including college. But I am where I was meant to be now, and I hope she is where she needed to be, too. I hope she is happy. I still wish we could communicate and just talk things out, but that is probably asking too much. I could do it, but I doubt very much that she could engage in such a conversation.

Book of D: The "Feels"

It happens every so often. The "feels" start making their way to my head; I feel them traversing through to the pit of my belly. I didn't know how to handle them when I was younger. I just thought I was going crazy or that there was something seriously wrong with me (which there actually was). I went around always feeling lonely—no matter who I was with or what we were doing. The “feels” were worse in my 20s. I thought I was going to feel this way for the rest of my life. I was constantly in a panic; afraid I was going to be abandoned. It was like the Gotye song, "Someone that I Used to Know." The first verse to the song was haunting but equally beautiful—and rang so true regarding the way I had been feeling for so many years. 

It turns out that most of the "feels" were the cause of a serious thyroid condition that took years for doctors to diagnose. I believe had I not returned home to west Texas in 1995, I would have gone several more years going undiagnosed, feeling awful, and not knowing what was really wrong with me. Now, some thirty years later, and I have a grip on reality. I am in tune with my body and mind. I am on meds and am ecstatic knowing I am pursuing a career that will help me help others. I am not always on a perfect plane with the “feels”; sometimes they get the best of me—other times, it just takes a day or two of mental health recharging. I have to give myself a break and remember that I am human. My supervisor is well-versed in the area of mental health, so I am able to telecommute as needed. I believe today’s “feels” are more garnered toward the fact that we have lost another loved one. A distant relative, but still very much held in high regard. I’ll be fine. Spring Break ends this week, and next week, we will be busy again at the University with students returning. Plus, our U has a huge announcement to make. More about that TBA.

Book of D: Repeating History—or Not

However you chose to look at it, I take to heart the wisdom of a woke person who said: "listen closely to the echoes of history and avoid replaying the discordant notes of the past."

Book of D: Happy Heavenly Birthday, Brother

You were the only brother I had. Although we were estranged for a while, you never brought grief into my life. You were there, and I knew it. Somewhere deep inside my core, I knew you were always a call away if I needed you. You passed away last year during my birthday month: June (26th). I am glad I got to see you in the hospital as you neared the final days of your life. I am both saddened and relieved, I must say, that I was not at the hospital, along with my wonderful four sisters, your wife of over four decades, and your three sons. It felt right being where I was that weekend when my oldest sis called to tell me you had passed away. For all the things we didn't get to share, for all the loved ones we didn't get to know who were in our respective but not mutual lives, there is much regret, but knowing I tried helps me move forward. I will always love you, brother, and I'll miss you. 

Book of D: 'Trump'ed up Plans for the Invasion of Ukraine

I must write about the atrocities happening in Ukraine. I have another blog for my political views, but I haven't used it much—not for years. I didn't want this blog to be political, but you know, it would be negligent of me to avoid talking about the big elephant in NATO's room: the war and invasion in Ukraine. Side-bar note, the country of Ukraine is situated in Eastern Europe, and it is the second-largest country in Europe—right after Russia. The vast Ukrainian landmass is just one of the myriads of reasons for so much turmoil to the European Union (EU) and to NATO. The Ukraine is larger than France, Spain, Sweden, Germany, Finland, Norway, Poland, and Italy. As for which American president is directly to blame for the invasion, there is plenty of blame on both sides of the political aisles, but POTUS Biden is making great strides in helping quell direct and detrimental American-Russian clashes. But let’s not let that foolish orange man (a.k.a. Trumpty-Dumpty) off the hook. Trump did plenty of stupid things while he was POTUS. He committed plenty of atrocities against the United States and the world that will have lingering effects for decades to come. According to John Bolton, who served as the White House national security adviser during the Trump years, he believes Trump would have withdrawn the United States from the NATO alliance had Trump won a second term. Bolton shared this insight with the Washington Post late last week. So, the question is why Putin would “rock the boat,” per se, during the Trump years when Trump was already setting the course toward the same abhorrent direction that the Kremlin had been setting its aim on for years. One of the media outlets, MSNBC, stressed “. . . Bolton has presented a related explanation that’s quite credible: Putin saw an American president moving in a direction Moscow liked, and the Russian leader was waiting for Trump to finish the job.” So, in layman’s terms, if you wanted to rob a bank for a huge monetary gain that would set you up for life, and you didn’t want to get your hands dirty, but you had a friend like ‘George’ (i.e., Putin) had in ‘Lennie’ (i.e., Trump), wouldn’t you just let ‘Lennie’ rob the damn bank? Yes, you would. So, in essence, Trump made Putin’s plan to take over Ukraine possible. Trump killed the puppy and Curley's wife—all over again. Yes, there is plenty of blame to go around, but what the people of Ukraine need right now are food, water, supplies, and lodging; all mixed in with beaucoup understanding, compassion, and solidarity. As of this post, the news agencies are reporting over 2 million people having fled Ukraine since Russia invaded the country. 

To help the people of Ukraine, 

please navigate to this site and chose a method of donation.

Book of D: Talkin' to the L-rd is Something You Do Easy ("Good-Bye, My Lady")

In the movie, Good-Bye, My Lady, uncle Jesse Jackson (Walter Brennan) tells his nephew Skeeter Jackson (Brandon De Wilde) that sometimes it is best to "never crowd him" (i.e., him being G-d) because "that's too much prayin'" [and that is why] "it helps folks get themselves into a mess." If you have never seen the 1956 movie, I highly recommend it. It is currently available on AMC+ and HULU. 

I adore black and white movies. I am a film / movie connoisseur, and I am proud of that fact. I often get chosen to be on trivia teams because of my love and knowledge of movies. What?!! 😮 LOL. 

Anyway, watching the movie reminded me how we humans often get caught up in ourselves and forget to just be happy with the simple things we have in life. As the underlying message in the aforementioned movie presumes, it is sometimes just better if we pray or aim for one thing at a time; if you believe in G-d, that is. It can also apply to atheists and agnostics, too, and to those who are more spiritually-minded: strive for one thing at a time. Life is hard enough already and aiming for one thing at a time is just simpler and easier, and it keeps us from getting into trouble. Plus, it helps us to remember the smaller things before we go off trying to catch the bigger things. Though, I really prefer to receive the movie's message as a gentle reminder to not ask for too much at once; give others a chance to grab a piece of pie.

Book of D: The Optimal Expletive of "F"

 I am a firm believer that expletives have a place in everyone's vocabulary; not just to be kept - but to be used. Sometimes, one just has to use a curse word, and the best one is by far the "f" word. For "fucks" sake, just use it already. I remember when the Student Senate (SGA) at my alma mater wanted to use our tagline of "Falcons Up" in a gimmicky manner. I was a member of the UTPB Senate (serving as the Senator of the Psychology Department), but I wasn't in the officer's meeting that memorable night. My supervisor, who is also the Dean of Students at UTPB and an advisor for the Senate, called me up and said, "you'll never guess what yell call these crazy m-f'ers want to use!" Not blighted but excited, I said, "what do they want to use?" He starts laughing loud with his quirky schoolgirlish interlude, and he says, "the Senate proposed using 'F.U. UTPB." and he adds, "can you imagine the UTS powers-that-be totally losing theirs shit over that?" I ended with, "Sometimes this world just needs a little 'F.U.' in it!"