Monday, March 24, 2014
...Well about three weeks ago I wrote about a 'prior friend' on a separate blog-page listed under my 'Editorials'; Dora's Corner: I Did What? Call From A Long-Lost Friend! I wrote about how I had waited for such a long time to hear from her. Trying perhaps in vain to find out what I had done to make her stop communicating with me so long ago. I mentioned her via Twitter and we connected with DMs (direct messages). Then in one of DMs with her that afternoon, I shared my landline phone # with her and she called. She finally told me her version of why she stopped communicating with me and why she blocked me from other social media sites. None of it really made any sense to be. I swear on all things sacred to me that I was truly oblivious to the things that she alleged that I had done. Again, all of it written on the other page via this very blog.
I investigated all her accusations and I found many answers. They were not what I had hoped for but nonetheless they were answers and they pissed me off. I thought long and hard about what to do with these answers, and I concluded that I should just leave things alone. After all, this prior friend of mine stopped communicating with me many years ago for a reason. Apparently she did not want nor need me in her life so she just closed the proverbial door on our supposed-friendship. "Supposed" because it is very apparent that I was the only one who thought we had a friendship. She must have dismissed our friendship long ago for reasons different than what she suggested via our phone conversation on that fateful day.
Thinking long and hard, it was her who ended our friendship long before many of the things that she said I supposedly did. It was quite embarrassing to me as I stated in the other post. So many awful things that I supposedly did to create ill-will and strife in her life. Well, what about my life! Had she confronted me when I allegedly did these things then I could have defended myself to her for one, secondly, I could have caught the true culprit sooner and made her explain things to the both of us. The true culprit of course being an ex-partner of mine. I may have been saved from financial ruin if we had caught her back then instead of years later when it was much too late to do anything about it. I may have been able to thwart that culprit's actions against me and prevented her from opening up credit card accounts and other things with my information. I would have had better proof had I been able to catch this person sooner instead I was able to prove nothing back then and so I was left with thousands of dollars worth of bad credit which I am little-by-little still trying to fix. Still having to place a fraud alert every 10 years on my credit report with all three major credit-reporting agencies.
I am so disgusted by the people who were once a part of my life long ago. People I assumed cared about me until through such juvenile actions they proved me incorrect. The prior friend who cut me out of her life without so much of an explanation, but 20+ years later she 'claims' that I did all these terrible things. Those transgressions not only awful and embarrassing to me, but especially hurtful. Hurtful to me that this prior friend would even think that I was able to do such things. I really think that she just never really knew me. Sure I did some terrible things back-in-the-day when we were best friends. I did things that I am ashamed of in my younger years, but long ago forgave myself for it in order to be able to move forward with my life. I accepted full culpability long ago, and I did move forward despite never knowing why I had been castigated by this prior friend in the form of getting shut-out of her life as I have stated several times. Reaching out to this prior friend recently was not just to find out why I was cut off from her life, but to apologize for things I did in the past that hurt her --back when we were still best friends, but not for things I did after because I did not do those things.
How am I doing these days since I was told that I did those things? Well I must admit that I am slightly busted. It does not interfere with me continuing with my happy life nor has it kept me from enjoying the fruits of family and life, but it does linger in the back of my mind somewhere. I just want to pick up the phone and ask this prior friend: "how could you think that of me?" No, instead I will just keep it bottled up and just pen it to my blog. Not that she will ever read my postings, but at least I have put it all 'out there'. Writing about it will simply have to suffice and will have to be enough for me --for now. I doubt my prior friend will ever call me or reach out to me, and at this point being that I am disappointed in her and somewhat indignant over this whole ordeal, I really do not see myself ever reaching out to her.
Like I said I am also angry at her. Not just because she thought so little of me in that I could have done such horrid things, and not just because she never gave me the chance to defend myself. My financial existence was obliterated in a sense long ago and this prior friend, had she informed me back then, could have been essential in me catching my ex-partner with credit fraud. This ex did not just do this to me, but she did it to my ex-husband, my current partner and it seems that we can add my prior friend to that long list. Like I stated, never enough data back then to put that ex-partner away. She did not even get a slap-on-the-wrist either. She got away with so much. More than just money as it turns out that I lost.
But, let's not let my prior friend off the hook, per se. She stopped talking to me way before any of that. She was the first one to stop communication with me. I left her alone. I missed her very much --still do, but I respected her silence and moved ahead with finding happiness for myself which I did find. TTL! This prior friend must have forgotten so many of the terrible things she did to me as well. Highly doubtful is any outcome with any apology from her for those sorry things. She remembers what she did. One cannot wipe things like that from one's memory. No one I know has ever confessed to forgetting all the awful things they once did. I know I have never forgotten the bad things I did to anyone in my life; that includes my prior friend. Maybe this prior friend remembers the mistreatment of me by her, but doesn't deem it worthy enough for an apology to me. That is okay, though. I really believe that my prior friend ended our friendship early on and uses the other stuff as a reason. But, I have a long memory and things just do not add up.
The timeline that she referred to in why she stopped communicating with me does not line up with mine at all. Besides if I had really wanted to get back at her for whatever, there was so much more I could have used against her. Not that I ever wanted to back then or now. The things done were not indicative of the things I was known to have done to others long, long ago. Not my M.O. at all and my prior friend should have known this. If she knew how much I had cared for her long ago, she should have known I could never hurt her. I dare not bring it up now because it is plain taboo. I am too afraid and scared to say such a thing out loud because as sure as the sun will come up, this prior friend will shut me down for saying such things. I guess she is embarrassed of me and of things we once shared. Maybe that is why she really shut me out of her life. Either she wants to forget me and what we shared or I really don't know what. Perhaps I dare not mention the word 'love' in regards to how I once felt towards her because I want to continue to cherish the times and the feelings we once shared. I do not ever want her or anyone else to shoot down that relationship we once had. No one has the right to demean it or to make it seem inappropriate.
When I spoke to my prior friend that particular day this month, she gave me her condolences about my mom's death. She did a pretty good job at acting like she never knew that mom had died. I sent her a Facebook private message mere days after mom passed away. It was before Facebook placed filters on our private messages. Before messages that were sent to people who were not tagged as friends went to that "other" messages box. Before Facebook allowed us to just 'follow' one another. I sent that FB pm to my prior friend. I have a vivid image of that very day that I sent the message. I am certain that it went to her "inbox" and that she must have read it because she blocked me not long after I sent it. I hope she remembers that she did that. Not so much as a reply with a quick letter of condolence. Just a fucking FB block. Kind of a fuck-you and your mother is how I took it. But, I am not so hurtful as maybe she became...I will give her the benefit of the doubt that maybe, just maybe she deleted the message before she read it. I sent it on a Monday, 11-21-11 at 5:49 pm. Maybe she never read about how my mom had passed away. But, if she did then she is one cold-hearted person. Maybe I am the one who never knew her! I knew that she had it in her to be spiteful and hateful of others who did anything wrong to her or those who made her angry back in our heyday, but I never thought that I would be subject to her wrath especially not when it pertained to the loss of my mom. My prior friend knew my mom really well, and she knew what my mom meant to me and how awful it must have been when I lost my mom. I regret to remind this prior friend that Karma is a real 'B' and we all have to pay for our mistreatment of others and for our indiscretions and ill actions. Sadly, most often Karma pays us back though one of our loved ones. Not that I wish anything bad for said prior friend, but if she did do any of these things with an open-mind, then it is not for me to say anything else. One day, sooner or later, all will be righted...but NOT by me. I have my own crap to fix going forward.
But don't get me wrong here...I do not lay full blame on this prior friend of mine...I have lots to answer for, but I refuse to apologize for things that I clearly did NOT do! I cannot play that blame-game anymore so I will be darned if I allow others (not even this prior friend who was once very important to me) to play that very game with me. I mean it in a matter of speaking as I really don't view it as a blame-game. Heck, it is no game at all when people's feelings are involved. I just wish I was regarded as highly and with as much respect by this prior friend as I had for her. Hate to sound so blasé and such, but it is her loss for having allowed our friendship to end like she did long ago. For whatever reasons she may have had and whether they were just or not, she lost out on a good friend. That's my view at least for now on all of this.
Thinking long and hard, it was her who ended our friendship long before many of the things that she said I supposedly did. It was quite embarrassing to me as I stated in the other post. So many awful things that I supposedly did to create ill-will and strife in her life. Well, what about my life! Had she confronted me when I allegedly did these things then I could have defended myself to her for one, secondly, I could have caught the true culprit sooner and made her explain things to the both of us. The true culprit of course being an ex-partner of mine. I may have been saved from financial ruin if we had caught her back then instead of years later when it was much too late to do anything about it. I may have been able to thwart that culprit's actions against me and prevented her from opening up credit card accounts and other things with my information. I would have had better proof had I been able to catch this person sooner instead I was able to prove nothing back then and so I was left with thousands of dollars worth of bad credit which I am little-by-little still trying to fix. Still having to place a fraud alert every 10 years on my credit report with all three major credit-reporting agencies.
I am so disgusted by the people who were once a part of my life long ago. People I assumed cared about me until through such juvenile actions they proved me incorrect. The prior friend who cut me out of her life without so much of an explanation, but 20+ years later she 'claims' that I did all these terrible things. Those transgressions not only awful and embarrassing to me, but especially hurtful. Hurtful to me that this prior friend would even think that I was able to do such things. I really think that she just never really knew me. Sure I did some terrible things back-in-the-day when we were best friends. I did things that I am ashamed of in my younger years, but long ago forgave myself for it in order to be able to move forward with my life. I accepted full culpability long ago, and I did move forward despite never knowing why I had been castigated by this prior friend in the form of getting shut-out of her life as I have stated several times. Reaching out to this prior friend recently was not just to find out why I was cut off from her life, but to apologize for things I did in the past that hurt her --back when we were still best friends, but not for things I did after because I did not do those things.
How am I doing these days since I was told that I did those things? Well I must admit that I am slightly busted. It does not interfere with me continuing with my happy life nor has it kept me from enjoying the fruits of family and life, but it does linger in the back of my mind somewhere. I just want to pick up the phone and ask this prior friend: "how could you think that of me?" No, instead I will just keep it bottled up and just pen it to my blog. Not that she will ever read my postings, but at least I have put it all 'out there'. Writing about it will simply have to suffice and will have to be enough for me --for now. I doubt my prior friend will ever call me or reach out to me, and at this point being that I am disappointed in her and somewhat indignant over this whole ordeal, I really do not see myself ever reaching out to her.
Like I said I am also angry at her. Not just because she thought so little of me in that I could have done such horrid things, and not just because she never gave me the chance to defend myself. My financial existence was obliterated in a sense long ago and this prior friend, had she informed me back then, could have been essential in me catching my ex-partner with credit fraud. This ex did not just do this to me, but she did it to my ex-husband, my current partner and it seems that we can add my prior friend to that long list. Like I stated, never enough data back then to put that ex-partner away. She did not even get a slap-on-the-wrist either. She got away with so much. More than just money as it turns out that I lost.
But, let's not let my prior friend off the hook, per se. She stopped talking to me way before any of that. She was the first one to stop communication with me. I left her alone. I missed her very much --still do, but I respected her silence and moved ahead with finding happiness for myself which I did find. TTL! This prior friend must have forgotten so many of the terrible things she did to me as well. Highly doubtful is any outcome with any apology from her for those sorry things. She remembers what she did. One cannot wipe things like that from one's memory. No one I know has ever confessed to forgetting all the awful things they once did. I know I have never forgotten the bad things I did to anyone in my life; that includes my prior friend. Maybe this prior friend remembers the mistreatment of me by her, but doesn't deem it worthy enough for an apology to me. That is okay, though. I really believe that my prior friend ended our friendship early on and uses the other stuff as a reason. But, I have a long memory and things just do not add up.
The timeline that she referred to in why she stopped communicating with me does not line up with mine at all. Besides if I had really wanted to get back at her for whatever, there was so much more I could have used against her. Not that I ever wanted to back then or now. The things done were not indicative of the things I was known to have done to others long, long ago. Not my M.O. at all and my prior friend should have known this. If she knew how much I had cared for her long ago, she should have known I could never hurt her. I dare not bring it up now because it is plain taboo. I am too afraid and scared to say such a thing out loud because as sure as the sun will come up, this prior friend will shut me down for saying such things. I guess she is embarrassed of me and of things we once shared. Maybe that is why she really shut me out of her life. Either she wants to forget me and what we shared or I really don't know what. Perhaps I dare not mention the word 'love' in regards to how I once felt towards her because I want to continue to cherish the times and the feelings we once shared. I do not ever want her or anyone else to shoot down that relationship we once had. No one has the right to demean it or to make it seem inappropriate.
When I spoke to my prior friend that particular day this month, she gave me her condolences about my mom's death. She did a pretty good job at acting like she never knew that mom had died. I sent her a Facebook private message mere days after mom passed away. It was before Facebook placed filters on our private messages. Before messages that were sent to people who were not tagged as friends went to that "other" messages box. Before Facebook allowed us to just 'follow' one another. I sent that FB pm to my prior friend. I have a vivid image of that very day that I sent the message. I am certain that it went to her "inbox" and that she must have read it because she blocked me not long after I sent it. I hope she remembers that she did that. Not so much as a reply with a quick letter of condolence. Just a fucking FB block. Kind of a fuck-you and your mother is how I took it. But, I am not so hurtful as maybe she became...I will give her the benefit of the doubt that maybe, just maybe she deleted the message before she read it. I sent it on a Monday, 11-21-11 at 5:49 pm. Maybe she never read about how my mom had passed away. But, if she did then she is one cold-hearted person. Maybe I am the one who never knew her! I knew that she had it in her to be spiteful and hateful of others who did anything wrong to her or those who made her angry back in our heyday, but I never thought that I would be subject to her wrath especially not when it pertained to the loss of my mom. My prior friend knew my mom really well, and she knew what my mom meant to me and how awful it must have been when I lost my mom. I regret to remind this prior friend that Karma is a real 'B' and we all have to pay for our mistreatment of others and for our indiscretions and ill actions. Sadly, most often Karma pays us back though one of our loved ones. Not that I wish anything bad for said prior friend, but if she did do any of these things with an open-mind, then it is not for me to say anything else. One day, sooner or later, all will be righted...but NOT by me. I have my own crap to fix going forward.
But don't get me wrong here...I do not lay full blame on this prior friend of mine...I have lots to answer for, but I refuse to apologize for things that I clearly did NOT do! I cannot play that blame-game anymore so I will be darned if I allow others (not even this prior friend who was once very important to me) to play that very game with me. I mean it in a matter of speaking as I really don't view it as a blame-game. Heck, it is no game at all when people's feelings are involved. I just wish I was regarded as highly and with as much respect by this prior friend as I had for her. Hate to sound so blasé and such, but it is her loss for having allowed our friendship to end like she did long ago. For whatever reasons she may have had and whether they were just or not, she lost out on a good friend. That's my view at least for now on all of this.
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