Book of Caty: The End of an Epoch

Were you scared, baby kitty? Your eyes looked so panicked. I could feel your little body shaking. I wanted to grab you from the vet table and run away with you; to protect you from the imminent death that awaited you. Those syringes full of liquid finality and destruction must have been so frightening for you. I am so sorry I couldn't protect you from the impatient death that arrived to tear you from us!

I wish that I had been more in tune with your subtle hints those weeks ago when you were surely trying to tell me and your "mama" that there was something wrong with you. I should've done my research instead of being so darn nonchalant and justifying your change in demeanor: "she's just getting older and needy." Foolish me. The sight of your tired, frail body laying there on that vet table will forever burn in my memory - as will seeing your "mama" cry like she did when you went to sleep and closed your eyes forever. Seeing your mama so wrecked really hurt, but it's not your fault. She mourned you, Caty, like she's never mourned anyone before. I love you and miss you, my Caty (Brady), unlike anything I could have imagined. Whenever someone passes away and leaves such pain and heartache behind, it's because they loved so selfishly and greatly and were loyal to a fault. Those were your qualities, my beautiful Caty. Those are the very qualities that make life wonderful, so when the world becomes delpeted of said qualities through a death, life becomes somewhat scary, bleak, and cold. Run around in heaven's grassy knolls, my sweet, beautiful Caty. Make sure you have your collar on with the cute bell, so your grandma Eva can find you and play with you. Love you, your "mon mere"! 

Book of D: Voting for Beto O'Rourke (for Texas)

I am definitely voting for Beto O'Rourke for governor of Texas. I have met Beto several times and have helped campaign for him via the Midland (TX) Democratic Party during his previous bid to unseat that Cruz person. I am once again helping his campaign, this time to help him unseat Greg Abbott. Beto is a genuinely good person who is interested in helping the masses - not just his voters or his "tribe." 

Greg Abbott, on the other hand, is a lemming. He panders to his richest backers and lobbyists without giving second thought to the dire consequences their abhorrent, totalitarian decisions have on others (e.g., the less fortunate, poor, and powerless). Abbott and his GOP sychophants don't rethink things and for certain, they do not weigh the adage: just because you can doesn't mean you should. Imagine, Greg Abbott, if there was a law that kept you from holding political office because of your paralysis. Imagine a law saying you were no longer a viable member of society because you had a permanent physical ailment.

It's ridiculous to think there could ever be such a law, right (rhet.) but it's no more ridiculous than what you and your GOP cronies are doing to millions of women in this country. The country that shamelessly leads in battle cry, "Land of the free, Home of the brave" but only if you're a wealthy W.A.S.P.!

Beto for Texas!

Book of D: Writing Prompts

I am in dire need of a writing prompt generator. It's not that I don't have ideas, it's more like I have way too many of them. It's similar to having too many clothes: it becomes cumbersome to pick out an outfit because you are bowled over with too many choices. The same goes for writing: I have way too many ideas. I love to write, and I seldom lack the inspiration to do so, but I usually get overwhelmed and end up not writing anything formal at all. My ideas and thoughts might instead get scribbled on a piece of paper or on a yellow "Post It," which then reminds me of Romy and Michelle - and off on a super tangent I go. But not like super Pangea. LOL. Stupid geology joke. And, I start adding superflous data to my original thoughts. Ughhh. It's so frustrating. Word!!! So ... If anyone out there who reads this blog has any ideas on a writing prompt generator, please share. I like reading Julia Cameron's The Artisit's Way, which is filled with many a writing prompt, so perhaps I will start there and instead of putting pen to paper, I will put keystrokes to digital media - or whatever the comparison of "pen to paper" might be. See there: another freakin' tangent.

Book of D: The Much Too Excited Insomniac

I return to my campus job on Monday. In a few hours, that is. I am so excited that sleep escapes me. Soon, we will be moving to a brand new location at the Student Activity Center (SAC), so I am looking forward to decorating it. But, until then, I am anxious to take some of the graduation gifts I was given to my current office at the Falcon Center (MB-FC). 

I must say that I am so grateful for my current job/career path. I have an outstanding support group and supervisor at the university. I have been allowed to telecommute for several months for various reasons. But, now that my grad school career is at a standstill (only because I am not sure when I will start working on a PhD), I am going to pay-it-back, per se, and devote my free time to the U. 

To boot, I have been given a promotion of sorts with a higher salary. Getting a salary boost is customary at the university level for staff members upon completion of a bachelor's/master's degree. My usual duties will now be accompanied by new ones regarding student insurance information (+ HIPPA), title IX cases, student conduct (+ FERPA), and liaison for the three counseling departments on campus. Those clinics include the general counseling clinic that serves only the student population, the practicum clinic for the counseling graduate program that serves the public, and the practicum clinic for the psychology graduate program that also serves the public. 

Falcons Up, y'all. Loud, proud alumna! 

Book of D: Graduation: Master's in Education, Clinical Mental Health Counseling

I did it. As my wonderful sister Josie stated, "Promise Kept!" The promise I made to my late Mom was kept. Actually, I didn't intend to go passed an associate's degree, but here I am, eight years after the journey went into 3.0 mode (third time's the charm, per se), and I have obtained an M.A. in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. 

My four beautiful sisters and several of my "niblings" (+ great "nibs") attended my graduation. My remarkable spouse (and confidant) was there as was her family, my family. A few "key" family members and friends could not attend for various reasons, and they were missed, but after grappling with the fact that they would be unable to attend due to unavoidable circumstances, I focused on the positive and remembered the many who would be in attendance. 

As per the actual ceremony, I was not expecting to be so consumed by such a myriad of emotions, but there I was getting all gobsmacked and awe-shaken with reverence of what was happening. Walking the academic procession dressed in respective graduation regalia with my classmates and university dignitaries while the traditional Pomp and Circumstance March played on was just too emotional. I will remember the night well; not just through pictures and videos - but in my heart and mind. Life is good.

 

   

Book of D: It's Almost Time: Master's of Education in Clinical Mental Health Counseling

I'm feeling all sorts of emotions: excitement, melancholy, elation, poignant, pride, etcetera. You see, I have been on this journey since 2014. I did not plan to come this far with my travails in higher education. I merely wanted to fulfill a promise to my late Mom before she passed away. Mom always thought I had put my life (and higher education) on hold to help her out, which was not true at all. I wanted to help her out. I wanted to help her buy her dream home. I wanted to help her do many of those things she longed to do; "antes de que la vida se acabe"("before life is over") as she would often say. Everything I ever did for her, she was always right there with me - working hard and making things doable and easier. She taught me how to work hard and achieve success! All those times I was doing things for Mom, I was not being selfless, I was merely paying her back for having always had my back. Regardless of miles of separation, when I married the first time and moved to San Antonio or the many years that my various careers called for me to travel extensively, I always thought about Mom and how much I admired her. I always sought her out when it felt like life kept kicking me down; she didn't feel compelled to tell me what to do, just hearing her voice made things better, somehow. Even when I had others in my life who had become "motherly" figures to me, I never felt comfortable calling them "Mom." That term of endearment had always belonged to Mom and only to Mom - and it always will. Thinking back all those years to when Dad died of lung cancer and my final two years of high school were pretty much shattered, I stand firm that I was able to make it through because of things my Mom, directly or indirectly, taught me.

She told me to be strong, and she walked the walk. She told me to forgive and help others, and she walked the walk. She told me never to take my setbacks and anger out on others, and she definitely walked that walk. I learned to love and take care of others because of Mom. I quit college three times in my life, and I do not regret it one bit. I took a fourth chance to pretty much start all over and finish my college education in 2014, and regardless of why I took that journey and how I arrived at this point, I am here. My emotions are many, but as I bask in the process and ponder in gratitude all the lessons I learned and people who supported me, I know this: 

I have only just begun!!!

Book of Caty: Life Is Good Until It Isn't

Book of D: Onomatopoeia

The pfft one hears when listening to the GOP justify their precarious and often dangerous agenda. L😊L. I just wanted to use the word "onomatopoeia" because it is my favorite one in the English language – right after the word magnanimous. There's just way too much to say about the maltreatment of women and children at the hands of the "repukes," so I'll leave that discussion for another day – or for my political blog! Today is Friday and Ima celebrate FriYAY! ANYWAY . . . enjoy my cartoon compilation. 

Book of D: The Weird Feels and Dreams

Dreams are so weird, but there are answers as to why a person dreams certain things or about certain people. One reason could be boredom, and another one could be not feeling accomplished (another take on boredom. lol). Take today for instance, it is a slow day. We just came off a 3-day holiday weekend, and today is slow-going at work. As for counseling, it is slow, too, since I gave my clients and myself the day off yesterday. I haven't really been as productive as I normally would like to be. I am feeling a little off my game, per se. I do not have that once-a-month empty sensation that creeps into the pit of my belly (a.k.a., "dark days"), but it feels like it could break toward that course at any moment. Ughhh!

I had the weirdest dream last night about my ex and her mom's funeral. The weird thing is that my ex's brother told me that their mother was cremated when she died last month, so having an actual funeral take place for their mom in my dream is what makes it so weird. As for the dream, I showed up to the funeral despite being advised not to. I was greeted in a nice way by my ex. She was genuinely happy to see me as was I to see her. She had me sit next to her in the funeral parlor where her brothers and immediate family members were. My ex and I had a nice conversation. I don't remember it all, but I just had this nice feeling that we had had a nice talk  – you know. I drove to the cemetery alone in the dream. Several of us got lost on the way to the gravesite. We all stopped at the top of this eerily looking hill with a culvert on either side; we had apparently been on the meandering road for several minutes before I decided to stop and get directions. It felt like we were in a Stephen King novel for a while except we were in San Antonio instead of in Castle Rock. Lol. . I called 4-1-1 to locate the funeral home and eventually found out where the graveside service would be held, so we all got into our respective cars and drove back to the entrance of the cemetery where the service was being held behind this tall, wooden fence (it reminded me of my ex's parent's backyard). The graveside service had just started as I arrived. I sat a few rows behind my ex and her brothers. I saw my ex sitting across her mom's casket, and she was crying as I had never seen before. She was inconsolable. It broke my heart. I saw her husband sitting next to her, and he was holding on to her hand really tightly and hugging her; he was weeping hard, too. I got a huge amount of relief from seeing that. I was glad that my ex had someone to rely on for comfort. As the service ended, I introduced myself to her husband, and he seemed happy to finally meet me. He shook my hand and smiled, and my ex grabbed my other hand and held on to it for a long time before thanking me for being there and ignoring her advice to stay away. We all ended up meeting at some location to fellowship and eat, but mostly to celebrate my ex's mom's life. I woke up not long after that. I was not perturbed by the dream at all. It made me happy. I wanted to write it down, but life and work found a way to interrupt the flow, so here I am writing it all down some 10 hours later.

I love reading, writing, and doing research, so naturally, I looked up information about dreams. I found a few articles here and there, but the one that interested me the most was by Moss and Fellizar who wrote What Do Dreams About Your Ex Mean?, Bustle magazine (2020). Moss and Fellizar said that dreaming about an  ex's parent could mean several things, one of their interpretations: "An ex's mother making a cameo in a dream can mean that you may still have some 'unresolved issues' with your former love" (2020).

Hmmm . . . that kind of does make sense because as an unresolved issue, I have been wanting to reach out to my ex, as a friend – not as an ex – to extend my sincere condolences on the loss of her mom. She lost her dad last year, and as much as I wanted to reach out to her then, I decided it was best to leave her alone to mourn as she needed to sans any disturbance that my correspondence might have had on her. Now that her mom has died, I still want to reach out after I give my ex some time to mourn that loss, too. Her mom and I had a nice friendship and she meant quite a lot to me. Her mom helped me out several times in a myriad of ways, she was like a parent to me. I, too, have felt the loss of my ex's parents in a heavy manner. Not like having lost my own parents, but in an uncanny fashion of sorts. Anyway, if the weirdness and the feels are due to not feeling accomplished or because I am subconsciously carrying around "unresolved issues," it is probably time I do something about it.