Book of D: No Logical Progression

One of my mentors said the following words about her son, whom she lost to cancer earlier this year: "The hardest part of my grief is learning how to live without you. Life isn't linear, I know this, but I expected a logical progression of your life."

You died way too young, my sweet nephew Ryan. The hope that should often accompany a person's life was ripped from yours - I don't know when it happened or why, I am only sorry that nothing or no one could save you from the harrowing thoughts that perhaps led you to believe that your life was not important enough to keep on living.

I was so angry when someone stated that she had been expecting a phone call saying that you had died, but she thought your death would be because you drove too fast and recklessly or because of drugs. I must admit that I was taken aback by her statement, and this indignant but loving aunt had to bite her tongue in patience and peace and not bark back by saying how awful those remarks were.

I had different expectations for you, Ryan. My expectation for a logical progression of your life had replaced any negative thoughts I might have ever had of you from the first time you attempted to take your life. I saw a different, more hopeful Ryan after that failed attempt. I saw a Ryan who was more aware of his importance on this earth. I saw a Ryan who knew his loved ones adored and needed him. My expectation of a longer life for you, Ryan, was seeing you be a dad again to Luna (in November) and regaining your parental right to Gaia ("Baby Gaga"). My expectation included seeing you be a wonderful "girl dad!" My expectation included seeing you get your G.E.D. and becoming a chef, or whatever profession your heart desired. My expectation included seeing you love hard, being happy, helping others, but it never included outliving you, sweet Ryan. Death should be for the elderly who have had a chance to live life to the fullest. Death should not wait for the young. I have no words for anyone who would expect the death of a young person. I don't tolerate that thought process, and I will never succumb to it. My logical expectation of a longer life for you, Ryan, will remain unfulfilled.

Perhaps in another lifetime, the world will be kinder to you, Ryan, and it will grant you a long, happy, healthy life with lots of beautiful children, a loving spouse, and an equally supportive and loving family and circle of friends. 

I'll always love and remember you.

Love ~ Tia D.