Okay, so "eating pizza with a fork" was the writing prompt I posed upon my fellow, amateur writers the other day. I used the same writing prompt several years ago myself. It was actually a story I wrote about irony. I even referenced Alanis Morissette's famous, cult-classic of a song Ironic. It was by no means my "magnum opus." Quite far from that in fact. Actually, the literary piece I wrote was just an ordinary story about how humans go about their daily routines doing stupid things and expecting positive results. When their plans go awry, they are astonished. Is it irony or stupidity? Or both?
Oh, wow, really...like throwing gasoline at a roaring fire isn't going to further enrage the already fiery fury into an inferno? Seriously? You never thought to just throw water at it? Hmm? I wonder why the gasoline in the fire idea didn't work and extinguish the flames?!! I'll tell you why it didn't work. Because on this logical planet we call Earth, two plus two has and always will equal four. The movement of the moon will always create unpredictable waves. The Earth will always revolve around the sun and NEVER, EVER the other way around. Pluto will never again be a planet. The acronym, MVEM-JSUN will always stand for My Very Eager Mother - Just Served Us Nachos, and it will always be the English-language mnemonic that elementary teachers will use to teach their students how the Terrestrial/Rocky planets and Gas Giants are aligned within our solar system. Whew. What a mouthful that was. I am out of breath, aren't you?
Story A: A group of California lifeguards were off duty one Sunday, so they decided to have a poolside party immediately following a football viewing party. One of the lifeguards is not a fan of football (in fact he utterly hates football); he wants to go swimming instead of watching the game. The homeowner (also a lifeguard) is about to give the football hating lifeguard some safety instructions and pool rules when the homeowner gets a phone call and leaves the room. The anxious lifeguard goes outside alone and jumps into the pool without much caution. He does not notice the broken vent that sucks the contaminants out of the pool; the same open vent that is missing the grid-like cover. Upon jumping into the pool, the impatient lifeguard immediately gets sucked into the vent. He bumps his head so hard on the concrete wall where the vent is located that it knocks him unconscious. In the meantime, the other lifeguards are inside the house watching the football game never noticing their buddy is drowning until it is too late. "Two bits, four bits, six bits a dollar . . . all for the dead man, stand up and holler!" Now that's irony, folks.
Story B: A snotty, wealthy man invites his girlfriend (who is, pardon the cliché, from the wrong side of the tracks) to dinner before going to watch the movie he has anxiously been waiting to see. He is a finicky eater while she is not. She is Irish, but he is Italian, so he suggests Italian food. She goes along with the idea; she wants pizza anyway and figures she can order one at the Italian restaurant. They arrive at the dining establishment, he orders chicken parm, she orders pizza. His attitude grows sullen by her proletariat order: pizza? He warily decides to let her order the common-man's dish, but when the pizza arrives, he is going to make sure she uses a fork. The waitperson arrives with the food. The snobbish man reaches for the fork and insists his girlfriend use it to eat her pizza. Furthermore, he proceeds to show her how to eat the pizza with the fork. He places the fork in his mouth when the man sitting behind him suddenly has a seizure and bumps into the persnickety man. The snob inserts the fork so deep into his mouth that he literally stabs himself to death. "When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amore!" So, how's that "eating pizza with a fork" working for you, you bourgeois chump you?
Anyheeeow . . . Logic is never stupid and stupidity is never logical.
If you want to know what irony really is and why eating pizza with a fork is so strange, ponder the following stories (A and B).Story A: A group of California lifeguards were off duty one Sunday, so they decided to have a poolside party immediately following a football viewing party. One of the lifeguards is not a fan of football (in fact he utterly hates football); he wants to go swimming instead of watching the game. The homeowner (also a lifeguard) is about to give the football hating lifeguard some safety instructions and pool rules when the homeowner gets a phone call and leaves the room. The anxious lifeguard goes outside alone and jumps into the pool without much caution. He does not notice the broken vent that sucks the contaminants out of the pool; the same open vent that is missing the grid-like cover. Upon jumping into the pool, the impatient lifeguard immediately gets sucked into the vent. He bumps his head so hard on the concrete wall where the vent is located that it knocks him unconscious. In the meantime, the other lifeguards are inside the house watching the football game never noticing their buddy is drowning until it is too late. "Two bits, four bits, six bits a dollar . . . all for the dead man, stand up and holler!" Now that's irony, folks.
Story B: A snotty, wealthy man invites his girlfriend (who is, pardon the cliché, from the wrong side of the tracks) to dinner before going to watch the movie he has anxiously been waiting to see. He is a finicky eater while she is not. She is Irish, but he is Italian, so he suggests Italian food. She goes along with the idea; she wants pizza anyway and figures she can order one at the Italian restaurant. They arrive at the dining establishment, he orders chicken parm, she orders pizza. His attitude grows sullen by her proletariat order: pizza? He warily decides to let her order the common-man's dish, but when the pizza arrives, he is going to make sure she uses a fork. The waitperson arrives with the food. The snobbish man reaches for the fork and insists his girlfriend use it to eat her pizza. Furthermore, he proceeds to show her how to eat the pizza with the fork. He places the fork in his mouth when the man sitting behind him suddenly has a seizure and bumps into the persnickety man. The snob inserts the fork so deep into his mouth that he literally stabs himself to death. "When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amore!" So, how's that "eating pizza with a fork" working for you, you bourgeois chump you?
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