^ Define what friendship really means to you and
then communicate that to anyone that you desire to create a friendship with in
the future. If the needs and wants are a match, then the friendship
will flourish, and it will be a two-sided friendship.
* Sometimes I feel that it
is difficult when people do not reciprocate when you reach out and would like
to learn some skills to know when to surrender in these sort of toxic
relationships. LETTER FROM "RECIPROCATE":
Thank
you. I have built great relationships with some friends, however over the
course of the year I feel there are similarities in these friendships that make
me feel that a) I am doing something wrong or my expectations are
different b) they do not reciprocate that friendship eg: if I take time to
wish them on special occasions it isn't reciprocated. I feel that
"friendships that are true are reciprocated" and I feel I need to
understand when I need to back away so I do not get hurt. I wish the relationships
to be two-sided, however it is hard to gage and would like learn to be better
at observing these situations. I feel it becomes toxic when it is
one-sided as I sort of tend to put people on a high pedestal...hope this makes
more sense? Thank you. signed, Reciprocate, age XX,
Dear Reciprocate, I understand your frustration in this matter
and anytime a person feels that a friendship is one-sided that can be very
stressful and draining for sure. Here are some things for you to
consider:
1. It is our "expectations" that
cause us more stress and strain in relationships than we can imagine. We
tend to expect others to be mind readers and to know what we expect and
want in return. This is a problem for all involved.
2. Set some boundaries with your current
relationships for now. Have a heart to heart talk with one of the closest
friends in your life at this time. Before you have this talk please
read our article Express and Own Your Feelings and Expectations
and Hidden Issues. Use what we suggest in these article and
use the "I" statements and tell them how you feel and then explain to
them what they can do that would allow you to feel that the friendship is not
one-sided. Don't shame them in anyway - just express how you are feeling and
ask for what you need in return.
3. If the friend is receptive to what you
have said then the friendship will improve over time. If they are
not receptive then you must own up to the fact that the friendship is not as
strong as you hoped for and then let it go. Let it go in the sense of
stop doing things for this person. Stop acknowledging birthdays etc and
see what happens in return. Let go of your expectations of them and the
friendship.
4. For future friendships, take them much
slower. Don't go on the giving end unless you can do so without any
expectations in return. Get to know the person and try to learn from them
what they would expect out of a good friendship. If there seems to be a fit in
what they expect in comparison to what you expect then go forward and work on
the friendship. If not, then let it fall where it may. No
expectations and no disappointments in return.
5. This may be a good time to redefine the word
"friendship". A good friend for me is one that has no
expectations of me in return. I don't expect them to remember my birthday
or special occasions and I don't want them to expect anything like that from
me. It all seems like too much pressure and work when there are
"unexplained expectations" and someone is bound to be
disappointed. What I do want from a friend is support and their ear
when I just need to vent or talk about things. I want to be there for them
when they need the same. I have defined and explained my needs and they
have defined and explained theirs and since there is a match we are able to be
friends.
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