Book of D: Adult ASD, Introversion . . . or Just Socially Awkward

According to the Healthline website, social ineptness and social awkwardness do not stem from mental health issues; in actuality, there is no diagnostic criteria or solid definition for social ineptness and social awkwardness. It's just a feeling (or a collection of feelings and experiences) that forms a pattern in a person's life. As a matter of fact, social ineptness and social awkwardness are merely failures to notice certain social cues that causes these feelings and experiences. 

There, the awkwardness of the medical definition is out of the way. Now, it's my time to rant about my personal issues with social ineptness and social awkwardness, especially when it pertains to my newer coworkers (newbies). First of all, none of them really know me. The ones who knew me best retired, are on medical leave, or went to work elsewhere. To be fair to the newbies in our department, they have not had the opportunity to get to know me. I have probably not done enough to get to know them. I can be a little monosyllabic or even curt without me really noticing it. As I have gotten older, my pretenses have lessened - meaning that I don't like pretending that I like someone or something just to fit in with the rest of the crowd. I'm a GDI (i.e. a god-damn independent). I march to the beat of my own drum these days, and I am unapologetic about doing so. As for the comment I made about being fair to my newbies, I was telecommuting for a while, so I haven't been working on campus very long. They joined the department during my work-from-home stint, so they all had the good fortune of getting to know each other fairly well and bond - without me  I'm still in the early phases of acclimating; therefore, I reckon I am actually the newbie. Hmmm. Anyway, stupid covid caused me to become more of an introvert than usual. 

I opted to stop working from home when I graduated from grad school, so when I did return in-person to campus this Fall (2022), our department had new people, new faces. I was excited - but guarded. Still, I missed working from home which elicited the horsemen-of-obstinance to arise in me (probably more like a jackass), and it caused my anxiety for new people to soar. Mainly because I don't like small talk; I have never reveled in it. In fact, I loathe it; unless the person likes a lot of the things that I find of interest or is disposed to partake in profound topics that engage me, I would just as soon avoid the person. I do better in one-on-one conversations, which is why I love being a counselor. Don't get me wrong, all my new colleagues are actually really nice people.  However, a couple of them can be loud. And, I don't do loud. I abhor it and concede that it is more of a character flaw. I don't know if they realize how loud they are, but it makes me uncomfortable. I have a low and quiet voice; I don't like having to go too many decibels to be heard; it is unnerving and upsetting when I do. Because I view being loud as a flaw, it makes me not want to be part of it, so when I do raise my voice or reach a near scream, I feel like a fool. I usually picture myself as Sheldon Cooper: he didn't like or do loud either. LOL. On a side note, 

I think Sheldon was autistic (or compulsive) despite the Big Bang Theory producers and Jim Parsons saying the Sheldon character did not have autism spectrum disorder (ASD). I beg to differ that Sheldon was probably on the cusp of the spectrum or compulsivity range; after all, Sheldon did have issues with germs and numbers, and he possessed the "precision" thing that we see in ASD and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Sheldon, like myself, was socially awkward, but his character leaned more toward possessing social ineptness. I am not inept. I actually do notice other people and take my cues from how they talk and act, and I oblige as appropriately required - or I gently walk away after the obligatory salutations and valedictions. I try not to offend others, but when I am in my element (i.e. writing or reading or even doing algebraic equations for fun), I can seem quite standoffish and probably rude. 

All this talk of social ineptness and social awkwardness reminds me of a funny story that dates back to 1998 when I started working as a district manager for a marketing / merchandising company. During my 10 years with the company, they held our annual national conference(s) in Detroit, Chicago, or St. Louis. 

This one district manger from Louisiana, during my first conference, told me she thought I was either mean or snooty. I was taken aback. I had to do some light PR work to clear the air and get her to realize that I was actually friendly (and funny). During my second conference, I distinctly remember the company chartering a bus for all the district managers, regional managers, and account execs to visit our headquarters in Taylorville, IL (before they moved it to Minneapolis). We had a great time during the bus trip; lots of bantering and getting to know one another went on, and when it came my time to introduce myself, I provided a short bio, people were engaged at everything I shared. When I finished recounting bits of my life, one of the regional DM's said, "Dora, you're so friendly. Since you started working here, I just thought you were a snob or a bitch." She was a sweet, older lady who was known to be a smartass and to cut up from time to time. The bus grew quiet; I sensed that some people tensed up after she told me that, so I just started laughing, and everyone else on the bus busted out laughing, too. Several people took the liberty to tell me how they were afraid of me or thought I didn't like to be bothered, etcetera. LOL. Two things happened for me on that day. One, I was relieved that my colleagues liked me after all (I went all Sally Field receiving her Oscar: 'I can’t deny the fact that you like me. Right now, you like me!'); and two, I learned to stop telling myself stories (CBT 101) about how others might not like me. The experience provided much insight for me, which helped me start interacting more with others. I transcended in interacting with others and being extroverted. Move ahead almost a decade, covid came along and screwed things up. Sadly, it not only killed millions, but it took away people's autonomy, freedom, and security. For me, covid made me become introverted again to the point where I craved working alone. I still liked to do the fellowship thing and hang out with family and friends, but when it came to work, I just wanted to be left alone to work the voodoo only I knew how to do, and I excelled at it. 

So, now we are surviving (hopefully beating) covid, and I just have to keep things in check and not be so hard on others, especially when I have not personally held out an olive branch or made the first move to get to know them. Ultimately, I cannot expect others to know me and be mindful of my own character flaws if I haven't made the first move to get to know them on a personal basis; not just work and career. 

Well, folks, that's my rant for the day. It is the final day of Samhain (Oct. 31 - Nov. 1), and although we are not farmers or Wiccans with bonfires to light, sacrifices to make, or livestock to slaughter, we are university staff with lots of students to help. I am glad I was able to write this today during my lunch time.