Hassan has finished the spring semester at university. He has traveled back home to his loving family in the Bakhtiari province near Lordegan City. His family was so happy to see him.
I woke up so depressed this morning. Not sure what's going on. My current escitilopram dose probably needs tweaking. I'm not trying to be flippant by downplaying or trivializing my current mood, I'm merely stating an obvious fact. I need to speak to my endocrinologist about it soon. I don't know what to do about my work situation except to just find a job somewhere.
What, do you probably ask, is a cacophony of onomatopoeia.
TBC
Hassan came over again. He was in a good mood - as always. His presence made me happy as well. He was talking about his studies and how he was looking forward to spring break. He also spoke about honoring the fast during Ramadan. In his home country, Ramadan 2024 will start on March 12, 2024 and will end on April 09, 2024. The Ramadan daily fast starts after the sehri or suhur and is broken with the evening meal, iftar. Hassan mentioned how, during Ramadan, his father Amir would remind everyone in the household to wake early for sehri; otherwise, they would have to go without drink and food until iftar. Hassan added that every morning during Ramadan, Amir would get up early to start the day's fire outside in the brazier. The brazier is a square or rectangular metal contraption for creating a fire, usually to keep a tea kettle hot as well as to keep the humans warm whilst outside. Hassan said that his father would make certain to "spill the wheat" for the chickens in the yard. I assumed that "spill the wheat" meant to throw wheat on the ground to feed the chickens. When I asked Hassan to clarify the idiom, he laughed and said that he has gotten a lot of funny feedback from other people, not of middle-Eastern descent, when he used such a term as "spill the wheat." He said this one guy at the university asked him if it meant gossip, which made Hassan laugh so much that his stomach ached. Hassan still laughs at his university mate's interpretation of "spill the wheat," mostly, because why would his dad Amir want to feed the chickens with gossip. When Hassan shared this with me, I laughed really hard, too. I told Hassan that "spill the wheat" would make an excellent code phrase to be used between him and me whenever someone shares gossip or tries to be too nosy and intrusive.
Hassan came by to visit earlier today. He was feeling a little under the weather. Speaking of "under the weather," Hassan told me about the issues he and his family had with idioms, colloquialisms, and homophones when they moved to the United States over 30 years ago. He stated that when he first heard the phrase, "under the weather," he was so confounded by envisioning a person trapped under a cloud of sinister weather; like a boy trapped under a rain cloud unable to escape.
꧄맏😠Since the fiasco that caused my career at the university to come to an end, I have had trouble sleeping. I have been a content creator and making thumbnails and editing videos for some YouTubers for a while now, and I guess I have taken the adage about "when in Rome" to heart. So . . . I have been staying up late watching YouTube and all its glory. At first, I was mostly watching the influencers that I had subscribed to for a long time; only watching on and off - during the day. But then, I started watching without cause or concern. I was watching incessantly, especially DIY channels. Then one night it hit me and I started wondering about the YT videos that cater to ASMR (autonomous sensory meridian response). As a counselor, I am well acquainted with ASMR, especially because I am an avid fan and believer of methods that deal with tapping and meridian points. I just never bought the idea of videos being able to calm and soothe people. I was wrong. The ASMR videos are awesome. I am following new channels that I might not have tried in the past except for the fact that they are listed on ASMR watch lists. I won't mention the channels, but they have actually somewhat helped me push away from the imposter syndrome and self-fulfilling prophecy theories that have been plaguing me for such a long time. I am replacing negative self-talk with positive self-talk and incorporating more of the self-affirmation theory in my daily life. I am trying to replace the screwed up pathogenic beliefs that were embedded in me from an early age and only grew in proportion to my age because of the people with whom I surrounded myself. I'm not casting aspersions; the ideologies and how I chose to allow to allow in my life during any given zeitgeist and epoch are partly of my own doing. I might not have known about or for sure not how pathogenic beliefs were negatively affecting me, but since majoring in psychology and earning a master's in clinical mental health counseling, I have seen the error of my ways. Sure, I still hold others accountable for any maltreatment of me, but I know I allowed much of it. Just like I gave too much power to my former employer and allowed the admin to walk all over me at times. Just like I gave too much power to my former lovers and allowed them to use and abuse me. Just like I am currently giving too much power to my stress and allowing myself to be depleted of melatonin. I can just see the cortisol levels laughing and doing a little jig as they slam my bloodstream. Okay, circle of control: I cannot control what others do or say, but I can control how I react to it. I just need to turn off all electronics by 9 pm and do my breathing techniques as I lay in bed. My new normal should not consist of negativity or for certain not streaming YouTube at 1 a.m. My new normal should only include positive things and people (that's on me). I need to seriously start studying for the National Counselor Examination (NCE). I'm all over the map, per se, but I'll get myself in line. I always have - I always will.
Thank you for convincing me that
transferring to your department was going to be great for us all. NOT! I agreed
to move in haste, and I have never felt 100% certain I did the
right thing. Actually, on the day you told me I was moving to another
department with a new supervisor, I knew I had done absolutely the wrong thing
in transferring departments.
Thank you for never telling me
that if I or anyone else ever gossiped about you that you would know. NOT! You
unabashedly made that comment to me on the very first day I shadowed you at
work, and it was a fucking eerie! What kind of manager even says that. Thinking
back, it should have been a RED FLAG!!!
Thank you for allowing me to
order business cards when everyone else was. NOT! I was always denied having
business cards. During the five + years, I was never allowed to have any cards
despite how much I networked with other System universities and community
agencies. I was always embarrassed that I could never trade business cards.
Thank you for hearing and
accepting my ideas about managing the four programs I was hired to run. NOT! I
was hired to manage four different programs, but I was never allowed to follow
through with ideas I had. I was usually told by you that we are a small school
and the ideas that work for the other System universities would never work
here. I wanted to make sure our university had Narcan, but you said that was
not needed. I wanted to start a recovery program, but you said it would never
work. I wanted to provide scholarships for students to help with our peer
programming, but you said we did not have the money - despite having been granted
thousands of dollars by the System.
Thank you for ordering new furniture
for me when everyone in our dept was getting their own. NOT! I always received
old, mismatched furniture, but I forced myself to act like it did not bother me
- again, I was too embarrassed and afraid I would break down and cry if I
admitted how much it hurt me to get the "fugly" furniture.
Thank you for not telling me
that I would be moving from the old center to the fourth floor concrete jungle.
NOT! Not only did you tell me that I was going to have to move to the fourth
floor, but you failed to tell me that the office I was being reassigned to was
nothing but concrete with exposed ceiling pipes and electrical wiring. The
person who handles phone systems is the one who asked me several times if I was
sure that I was to move to that office. She had the key and showed me how awful
the office was. In fact, she used the word, uninhabitable. I was once again triggered
and had to hold back tears. When I finally got time with you, you said I could
buy a throw rug but that painting the room or carpeting was not in the budget.
The phone systems technician added that she had never known anyone to inhabit
that office and that it had always been used for storage.
Thank you for not making me
move to the office formerly occupied by a colleague who had just passed away.
NOT! Not only was I told to move there, but I was told to just move her stuff
and use her furniture. The poor deceased colleague had not only been a mentor
of mine, but we had had our own disagreements. Upon finding out that I had
moved into the deceased colleague's office, other employees (staff and faculty)
were shocked and disappointed that anyone had been allowed to move into the
office. Again, I felt badly, but it was never my choice to move into that
office that began to feel like doom and gloom.
Thank you for never boasting
about your accomplishments while bragging about what others were doing. NOT!
You always bragged about how much money you made and how much others made and
how others were not deserving of their respective salaries.
Thank you for acknowledging all
the behind-the-scenes work I ever did. NOT! Not once did you ever tell me in
the five plus years I worked for you. Well, there was that one time after a
basketball game when I worked late managing a promo table and tacos table. You
know, the event when you said I worked really hard and how did I feel about
getting my salary bumped another $5,000. Your boyfriend was there and he heard.
He also heard when you put down my colleague and said she "was lazy."
Thank you for not taking credit
for the many spreadsheets, Apps, PowerPoint presentations, Forms, and reports I
did for you. NOT!
Thank you for not promising me
an office transfer to the new building only to renege and leave me in the old,
tattered office. NOT!
Thank you for not making me
feel like shit when my colleagues were excitedly moving to the new building
while I watched and silently cried. NOT! You have often told this odd story
that ends you with you comparing me to a dog. Oh, and let's not forget the
other triggering event when our division was in a Team's meeting (planning for
entertainment), and you said the university could replace me and instead use my
salary to bring some group to the university. Yeah, that wasn't embarrassing or
hurtful at all.
Thank you for not leaving me
behind in the old, tattered office during winter without any heat. NOT! Yeup.
For almost a week, I was left in the old center without heat in the dead of
winter. I had to call the department that handles HVAC issues. The lady told me
that the supervisor had put in an order to have the heat cut off. She
apologized as she had no idea I was still working in the center, so she had the
heat turned back on, but it took two days for that to happen.
Thank you for not taking my
skill set for granted and having me table and attend meetings that a secretary
should do. NOT! I ended up doing duties that a student-worker or an entry-level
admin was hired to do. I was promised more responsibility as I was soon to
obtain a master's degree, but that was just another empty promise.
Thank you for making sure my
birthday was always announced via email as was done for everyone else. NOT!
Till this day, I can only remember my birthday being announced one time.
Thank you for celebrating my
graduation from the arduous graduate program as was done for the others upon receiving
their master's degree. NOT! Even as I graduated from the university, I did not
as much as get a bouquet of flowers. Nope. I did not get the extravagant
master's graduation party like my two colleagues received upon their respective
graduations - and both of them graduated from other universities. My own alma
mater recognized me for ... NOTHING!
Thank you for feeling never taking your power and entitlement for granted and not speaking ill of our colleagues and the students you were supposed to help. NOT! You have spoken ill of others as follows (named left out to refrain from emotionally triggering or hurting my former colleagues): you said about a female colleague that she was emotionally inept and that you were constantly having to go meet her in person to talk her down or having to take her to lunch because she was a person of color and you know how they are; you said my colleague was lazy; you said another colleague was fat and needed to lose weight; you said that a colleague was taking for granted that she had a baby and was calling in too much; you said a colleague was dumb wasting his time in grad school, and you couldn't wait to fire him; you said almost the same thing about another male colleague, this time saying he was too stupid to finish his b.s. and that he was lucky if he still had his job in a few months; you said about a female colleague that she had a "r" child; you referred to a couple of female professors as "the lesbian"; you said one of the execs had her nose so far up the president's nose; you said a male colleague was slow and too stupid to know when you and the other big wigs were talking about him. Boy, this list can go on and on, but it is proving to be much too unsettling for me to continue - for now, that is!
