Book of D: Regrets: Closets are for Clothes - Not People

Hindsight being 20/20, I wish I had been the one to leave—the first time. I would have saved myself so much grief. Moreover, I would have saved myself so many years of self-doubt; thinking there was something really wrong with me, when in fact, there wasn’t. The only thing standing in the way was that I was female, and she couldn’t handle being in a "same-sex" relationship. After all, what would her perfect mother think (rhet.). She made me feel ashamed to be LGBTQ. I don't completely blame her, though, it was back in the 90s and people still weren't “woke” or accepting of the LGBTQ community. I accept culpability for letting someone keep me in the ole proverbial “closet.” I was a coward all on my own; afraid to “come out” and face censure or critique from friends and loved ones. Whatever the circumstances, I just wish I had stayed away the first time I left. I went back home to west Texas (Midland) after learning she had "been" with her ex (A guy. Sigh. They had "coitus" like Sheldon would say. LOL.). I was heart-broken and gut-busted over learning she had been with him. I moved back with my sis and bro-in-law. I cried myself to sleep at night and soothed my ills and breaks the best I could, unable to tell people why I was so devasted.

I pulled myself together after a while, and I had a good job waiting for me. But I kept communicating over the phone every single day with her, and I eventually succumbed to her cries and pleas for me to return. She said our relationship could be whatever we needed it to be and that we'd figure it out. Damn gullible me. I really loved her. I went back to San Antonio. She meant the world to me, and I forgave the infidelity. I had little self-esteem. I wish I had not lacked in the area of self-worth and confidence back then. I would have pursued so many things including college. But I am where I was meant to be now, and I hope she is where she needed to be, too. I hope she is happy. I still wish we could communicate and just talk things out, but that is probably asking too much. I could do it, but I doubt very much that she could engage in such a conversation.