Book of D: My Other Sister's Birthday

Well, well, well. My oldest sister, Aurora, celebrates her birthday today. I won't post her age. That would be rude. And, I ain't gonna be rude. LOL. She is my hero. There were times in my life as a teenager that I didn't think I was going to make it. I'm not just talking about getting through school, but with life in general. Thinking back, depression has always plagued me. I just didn't know what it was back then. I would often be riddled with bouts of melancholia, which was in and of itself bothersome. I thought I was weird. I hung back in the shadows and stayed away from big groups of people. It's safe to assume that a lot of my classmates thought I was rude or anti-social, but I didn't care. I was like Holden Caulfield in my favorite novel of all time: The Catcher in the Rye. I preferred not to get to know people and refrained from the sadness that losing them would cost me. Additionally, I like Holden's take on phony people: Phony people irk me to no avail, and I would prefer not associating with them. The art of knowing who to avoid has matured within my obstinate bones all these years. Sadly I must admit that there were years when my novice self did not know better than to socialize with certain people, and those relationships cost me dearly. Anyway, after this long-ass tangent, what I really want to say is "thank you" to my beautiful, badass sister, whom I also call "BSA" for Big Sis Aurora. Thank you, BSA, for saving my life so many times and for all the expenses you went through for me so that I could get stuff throughout school, for the prom, for my high school graduation, etc., for my love of math and reading, for my love of the Dallas Cowboys, and especially for allowing me to live with you after dad passed away and mama went to live elsewhere so she could recover from such a devastating loss. 

I love you so much, sis A. Love, BSD (Baby Sis Dora).

Book of D: My Sister's Birthday

My sister, Betty, has a birthday today. Tomorrow, our oldest sister, Aurora, celebrates hers. How cool is it for two sisters to celebrate birthdays just one day apart. I was kind of mad yesterday because the respective blankets I bought for each sister were going to cost more to ship (UPS) than what I actually paid for them. It sucked. The frugal side of me did not want to succumb and pay the exorbitant cost of shipping. Call me a cheapskate . . . it's whatevs! All I know is that I am extremely fortunate for each of my sisters. Each one is inherently different, but all of them are the same in how they love unconditionally. I think I am going to make a quick trip to my hometown of Big Spring this coming Friday to deliver the gifts (a.k.a. blankets) since I usually only work till noon on Fridays (thanks UT System). I hope my sister, Josie, who lives in Midland (same as I do), will be able to go with me to Big Spring - or maybe my niece, Alex (a.k.a. my child), will be able to get away from work and accompany me. If anything, I'll make the drive alone. I love driving; it helps takes the edge off. It helps me think about things and to sort through the muddle of life. It's a cathartic experience. Life is good, y'all!

Book of D: A New Direction

 So, it’s a long story. One I’m not really ready to write about right now. I haven’t really talked to anyone about it either – not even my own family (sisters). I have talked to my spouse about it, but I am not sure she really knows the full ins and outs of this debacle. I share half culpability for what has happened, well, maybe not half blame, maybe about 15 percent of the blame. Much like racism that lives in the hands of those in power, this issue also lays in the hands of those in power. I’m just the little guy, per se, trying to make sure my rights are not trampled on or dismissed. 

Stories by D: New Blog "HER"

Please feel free to read my new blog.

Where I will continue my preternatural, horror stories about "her".

  "HER"

Book of D: Sara's Mother

My spouse, Sara, wrote the passage below (in italics) about her mother. Her relationship with her mother has been estranged for years. In fact, they officially surpassed the halfway mark approximately ten years ago - in other words, since her days on this earth, my spouse has lived more years sans her mother in her life than with her in it. Actually, my wife made an interesting comment (as I wrote today's blog post) regarding the time her mother was in her life, "Was she really in my life, though?" ... "We didn't have a meaningful relationship  - not like a mother and daughter should."

I am saddened about my spouse's familial situation. It's a constant reminder to me to never forget how lucky I was to have had such an amazing mother. My mom accepted me for who I was. My mom adored my spouse very much. My spouse always says that my mom was more of a mother to her; my mom was the closest example of a mom to my wife.

Anyway, below is what my beautiful wife wrote about her mother back on April 22, 2023 following a positive session with her brilliant counselor. 

Mother

She didn't love me enough to be a better mother. I have since come to understand that there is no such thing as someone "loving you enough" to be better. People can only be as good as they are, no matter how much they love you. That's the bad news. The good news is that you have the power to hold their actions differently in your own mind and heart. You can choose to believe that your value is inherent, it's yours, and that the way your mother treated you says something about her, not you. Or you can choose to believe that your mother's neglect means that you are unlovable and worthless. As long as you keep that wound from closing, you'll be sore. 

Mother just didn't have the tools to navigate out of her own pain. She is a wounded child who had never developed beyond the emotional level of a teenager. That understanding freed me to start to be more forgiving toward myself, and to quit working so hard not to be my mother. 

Book of D: Hello My Onions - A Friendly Reminder About the Here and Now

"Hello my Onions!" Lol. I say this as if I had a massive group of followers. I wish. Or maybe not. 

It's been a while since I have posted. Lots of stuff goin' on, peeps. It's been like a spaghetti western: some good, tads of bad, and plenty of  ugly. First, I hurt my left arm / shoulder in May. I fell so hard and awkward that I not only hurt my humerus, which was not at all as the name might imply (i.o.w. - not humorous), but I managed to dislocate and tear other *stuff* including my rotator cuff. It's been 3 months, and the healing process has been slow. My left arm is actually shorter than my right arm now, which was not the case before my accident. HaHa.

Anyway, I had a few things on my mind that I wanted to share, but I'll keep it brief for now. Perhaps later this week or next, I will elaborate further. But for now, I'll just say that I have been antsy and avoiding living in the "here and now." Mirky mind and mucky thoughts. Whatever that bullshit even means. Yeah, Gestalt would be angry with me as he posited that living in the "here and now" helped increase one's self-awareness. Then, as uncanny as it was, this morning, I started watching a YT video (a channel I subscibe to), and the gentleman mentioned "being in the present." Wow, that's like the "here and now" . . . ! Semantics, ppl, it's all the same. This man was referring to the "present" in a theological manner and explained that G-d hands out joy in the "present" and if one does not enjoy it as such, he will never enjoy life and it will simply pass him by (paraphrased from Ecclesiastes 5:19). I'm not a religious person, but surprisingly, I did draw strength and comfort from this YT influencer's message. 

It is burdensome to me that I have not been living in the here or now - or in the present. Whichever manner, psychologically or religiously, that others opt to garner solace from  the act of "being present" or in the "here and now," for me, the psychological aspect of it reminds me to bask in today's ventures and to stop and smell the proverbial roses. It's also nice to be able to pass said message forward - as I was able to do with one of my sisters ealier, but that, too, is a topic for another day. 

Well, that's my personal dilemma lately: not being present in the here and now and worrying too far into the future. As if we humans have much control over life, let alone the future. And, as the saying goes: "we plan, G-d laughs." 

T.B.C. - I promise. *BTW, my apologies that my "Onion Gang" characters look like chickens 🤭. LOL.Their root heads/sprouts are difficult to draw sans A/P Photoshop. I'm out-of-pocket this weekend, spending time away from digital art programs. I'm having to somewhat resort to the O.G. hand to paper art🎨medium. But as I drew, I did remain in the "here and now!" That's progress, my onions!

Book of D: Un-Independence Day

Where did my country go? Yeah, it's a rhetorical question. As I sit here in my wonderful and recently renovated great room, watching one of those foreign flicks with subtitles that I adore beaucoup, it hits me hard that this country is never going to be free or independent for anyone  - especially not for minorities. The pondering of such things stemmed from an event that occurred just a few minutes ago. I logged onto a server that hosts a family thread between my niblings and myself. I was bidding everyone on the thread a pleasant night and asked if they had had a nice day. My nephew who lives in the south part of town said that the cops had been in his neighborhood about two hours earlier and made people who were setting off fireworks to discontinue doing so and to disperse into their respective homes. My nephew added that there were several police cars out there enforcing the firework's ban. I was kind of perplexed and ambiguity set in; conversely, I was kind of glad that the popo were doing their jobs because, as a concerned homeowner, it worries me that too many people ignore firework's bans and such. I didn't want my nephew's home to get caught in the middle of a careless fire. I was worried about my home, too, which is why I decided to run the sprinkler system. As I finished watering the front lawn and turned off the system, I received a text from my college friend who lives in the north side of town. She said that people in that neighborhood were still setting off fireworks. I told her about the police being at the south side of town enforcing the ban. She stupidly said something to the likes of 'well, that is a rough side of town and people there don't appreciate laws nor about taking care of their property.' She didn't know I have a nephew who lives on that side of town, but she soon learned that I did as I read her the riot act. She apologized. We ended the convo on a good note. But, I didn't pursue asking her for the favor I had wanted to interject with during the communication. Regardless of all the favors I've done for her, especially during grad school. 

It dawned on me that in the neighborhood where my spouse and I live, there were no police out enforcing bans or laws or whatever. I could hear way too many fireworks going off and never heard police sirens. But, this neighborhood isn't considered a bad part of town. Sure the homes are older, but most people take really good care of their respective homes (and lawns). Although my spouse and I once considered having a home built in the more prominent north part of town or just buying a turn-key one, we opted to remain where we are. We're only three blocks away from my sister and her family, which is cool during holidays, birthdays, or family game night. Plus, we have an understanding with our immediate neighbors, and although we're not chummy, we watch out for one another's property. I feel better living in this neighborhood because there is a mixture of people. The best part is there are no H.O.A. rules and fees. We've gradually renovated our awesome home throughout the years and are not far from paying off our mortgage. Moreover, we're in an area of town with a more mixed salad of races and ethnicities, per se. If we moved to the north side of town, we'd be living in an opulent area where H.O.A. fees are not just a setback but so are the people. If they're not white,  belligerently racist and ultra conservative, they're sycophantic minorities trying to fit in. Just like my friend who texted me earlier and foolishly stated that the cops are prejudiced against the south side because it's predominantly brown, black, and trashy. That friend, by the way, is Hispanic and her husband works in the oilfield industry. He's a roustabout with no college education who makes a six figure income. Yeup. Only in Midland! Anyway . . . Fuck the north side. Fuck the popo. But, mostly, fuck independence day in 'Merica.

Book of D: Star Wars or Star Trek

Why Do Many People Identify As A “Star Wars” Or A “Star Trek” Fan? Does It Have To Be Either/Or? People say it all the time: “I’m more of a Star Trek than Star Wars fan.” People ask it just as often: “Are you more into Star Trek or Star Wars?”

...Can it not be both? 

Personally, I have never understood the question’s assumption that being a fan of two filmic or televisual narratives set in outer space would be inconceivable. Preferring one over the other is obviously fine, and common, but appreciating both equally is just as valid. Still, comparing the two is a misguided exercise: the universes are too separate, founded on different principles, and largely exist in different mediums. The basis of the question is weak. People might as well be asked if they’re more into Jack Reacher (2012) or Adventureland (2009) simply because both take place in Pittsburgh— that makes them the same thing, right? Of course nobody thinks like that, but it’s essentially the logic of the question. Other than the fact that both Star Wars and Star Trek take place in space—a pretty thin criteria upon which to establish a preference for something—the two franchises have little in common. People who aren’t a big fan of either Star Trek or Star Wars tend to be the ones offering this query, reasonably assuming the two have more in common than the first word of their titles. Yet we fans feel the duty to provide an answer, even though we know it’s an unimportant distinction. We profess our allegiance and move on to the next topic. They are distinctly different universes each replete with its own lovable qualities. But there is simply too much explaining to do in telling someone why Star Trek and Star Wars are not that similar. That said, the truth is that people (myself included) do tend to favor one over the other. But the reason for that isn’t because of the similarities between the two franchises—it’s because of their vast differences.

Star Wars: Launched in 1977 as a film. Now, the franchise consists of: Seven films (soon to be nine) An anthology film and a spin-off film Several animated television series Dozens of video games Four theme parks Countless issues of comic books and novels Various radio programs, toys, board games, and endless merchandise Star Wars is primarily a classic battle of good versus evil. This contrast is represented by The Force, an omnipresent energy that binds all living things and the universe. The Force can bestow various powers upon those that can harness it, including telekinesis, clairvoyance, and mind control. The “dark side” of the Force uses these things for malevolence. Its narrative is based on classic literature like Beowulf and King Arthur and is presented in a format known as “space opera.” Star Wars was designed primarily as entertainment and the thematic messages of its narrative, putting less emphasis on the believability or scientific authenticity of its various sci-fi creations. The franchise is set in completely fictional locations with no known connection to Earth. It depicts a universe where constant conflict exists. The bulk of the universe’s known canon comes from its feature films. Star Trek was launched in 1966 as a procedural television show which ran for 79 episodes. The franchise now consists of: The original television series Four live action spin-off television shows (soon to be five) One animated television series 12 feature films (soon to be 13) Dozens of video games, board games, tabletop games, pinball machines, card and role playing games Countless comic books and novels Various toys and endless merchandise Star Trek was the product of Cold War and cultural sentiments of the 1960s. It promotes a vision of humanity that operates as a unified race, free of the burdens of hunger, poverty, or the need for material gain. Humanity has evolved into a race striving for self-betterment and knowledge, exploring the galaxy to that end. Its primary protagonists are representatives of a group known as Starfleet, which is an Earth-based organization that traverses space in search of new life. When they meet new species, they strive to not interfere in the natural progression of that species. Star Trek was created as a “space western,” to reflect societal desires at the time of its creation and to offer a philosophical example of a promising future for humanity. It attempted to establish scientific logic to many of its science fiction creations and is frequently cited as the inspiration for many realized modern technological developments. Much of Star Trek’s drama is based on diplomacy and exposition as opposed to action. It directly explores the nature of humanity, and that exploration serves as the foundation for the franchise’s material. Star Trek is based on Earth characters and takes place in our local galaxy as well as fictional locations with fictional races. It depicts an Earth where conflict no longer exists. The universe’s known canon is shared between its television series and feature films. Each universe is clearly packed full of material thanks to decades of consistent fandom. In quantity of visual entertainment, Star Trek is considerably bigger than Star Wars. Its television series alone consist of over 700 hour-long episodes of programming, and it still exceeds Star Wars in number of feature films. Both franchises have so much literary material that it is a challenge to count: Star Wars novels are still immensely popular, and Star Trek comics have been written near-continuously since 1967. But these statistics aren’t what separate the two. Content is where the difference lives, and the difference in content can be seen in each title—by the word that follows “Star.” Star Wars is about people struggling to survive in a persistent, ongoing war. Star Trek is about people trekking through space, looking for new species and information.

People love Star Wars because it can be revisited endlessly; its classic epic narrative never grows old. Good will always triumph over evil, while the preceding struggle never fails to engage us in an entertaining coming-of-age journey that carries us through a satisfying climax and resolution. Star Wars also marks the first time many of its strongest fans were completely blown away by a moviegoing experience. When Star Wars hit theaters, it was a spectacle. Its characters aren’t rich or complex, but they are likable in their simplicity. Its narrative was linear and simplistic, but it told a basic story in a completely new and incredible environment, and along the way it used some of the most spectacular visual effects anyone had ever seen. Star Wars fans lined the blocks outside theaters trying to get in, and movie houses were sold out for weeks as people flocked to witness this unprecedented film. It was, by definition, an instant phenomenon. Star Trek, in contrast, was so cheap-looking when it premiered in 1966 that it seems hilarious by today’s standards. It was a low-budget show with unknown actors traveling through space and ending up on rocky terrain sets that all looked somewhat familiar. There were rubber masks, boom mics dropping into frame, and frequent and obvious use of models. Many of the series’ plots were ridiculous, and the series became known for its camp more than its quality. Star Trek didn’t even achieve mainstream popularity until after its cancellation while it was being shown in broadcast syndication. The show’s growing popularity during syndication led to the creation of several Star Trek films and, eventually, its first spin-off series, The Next Generation (1987), which triggered Trek’s explosion in popular culture. Almost all of the franchise components named above came after The Next Generation. While Star Trek premiered to a generation of people who are now grandparents, both franchises have spanned decades and captured the hearts of multiple generations. The ability to observe each franchise from its origins and appreciate its evolution is one of the factors that commands such a powerful love from fans—that and the unisex nature of both series, which include a plethora of characters with whom people of either gender can identify. Fandom for both series can be shared between parents and children, men and women, young and old. That makes for strong bonds, and strong commitment. The Guardian put together a side-by-side collection of interviews where people explain why they’re a Star Trek or Star Wars geek. A pro-Star Wars fan explains, “Star Wars caught on in a way Star Trek didn’t because it taps into something more universal, more felt than thought, grounded in some of our deepest, most instinctual dreams. Star Wars isn’t really even science fiction, except in the sense that it contains robots and spaceships as window dressing. It’s simply a grand fantasy playing on all the old archetypes, wrapped up in a package that appeals to today’s filmgoer.” (Meanwhile, die-hard “Trekkies” often cite the fantasy versus sci-fi divide as an argument against Star Wars.) One of the Guardian’s Star Trek fans counters criticisms of Trek‘s production values: “The original Star Trek series is often derided for its 1960s campy silliness and for effects that barely held up to scrutiny even then, but it was incredibly progressive in matters of race and gender. It makes Star Wars, released a full decade later, look almost laughably retrograde.” Some Star Trek and Star Wars fans also like to theorize hypothetical situations, such as: Could The Federation win a battle over the Empire? Does a phaser beat a light saber? Is Boba Fett’s Slave ship stronger than the Enterprise-D? These are in-depth, reasoned comparisons, complete with an infographic. But that is the kind of material that we nerds talk about among ourselves. When people ask if we prefer Star Trek or Star Wars, our opinions are heard, but they have little influences on how fans ultimately align. With two universes made up of a multitude of media, viewers’ decisions as to what to watch (and re-watch) come down to the core of what each narrative is: an entertaining space-based battle between good and evil, or a longer-form philosophical examination of the human condition. Trek requires work and appreciation for slow-paced intellectual drama, while Wars thrives on energy, charisma, and universal archetypes mixed with odd otherwordly creatures. The choice between the two is a matter of taste and not at all a reflection on which is, ultimately, a better story. I submit that both are worth loving.

Book of D: Remembering Philip

As I was watching one of my favorite YT wood working channels, I thought about my dear nephew Philip. He would be 43 years young this June, 2023. He passed away much too soon (May, 2000). Why didn't Philip get to live as long as the rest of us? Why didn't Philip get to keep living as the rest of us have? Why was he pulled away to some unknown realm and denied the ability to stay with us? What did he do that was so wrong? I don't subscribe to the bullshit edict (or whatever you want to call it) that people die and go to heaven because "god" needed another angel. What kind of bullshit is that anyway! Philip was beloved and needed here, with us, his family. He had just moved in with a young lady he loved. He was just starting to come out of his shell, per se, and start living life. The shy but well-mannered young man was starting to do the things he wanted to do in life. He never hurt anyone or disrespected his family and elders. So, why did he not get to move forward with our family! So, it is now Wednesday, April 5, 2023, and I didn't get to finish the blog post from the 26th of March. Not sure why. I think it was just too much for my brain to process. But, I must say that not one day goes by that I don't think about my wonderful nephew. I remember how much he liked to discuss things that involved wood working, cars, music, books, movies, etc.... there wasn't much that I couldn't discuss with Philip. The one major topic included wood working and building things from scratch. I guess that is why the YT channel I mentioned earlier sparked thoughts of my beautiful nephew. I miss him. I miss Philip so damn much. I cried with my spouse a couple of days ago; actually, it was the day I started writing this post (March 26, 2023). I had not cried so much as I did that day. There is actually another reason for my bout of melancholia, but that will have to be a post for another day because that reason is ridden with way too much sadness and heartache in and of itself.

Book of D: My Spouse is a Rock / Rock Star

I still feel like my spouse's health scare ordeal was surreal. Not trying to rhyme, folks, sometimes, it just happens. In the March 13, 2023 post titled "Grateful for My Spouse, Family, and Friends," I did not go into much detail about what happened. I was just glad that the situation was over and handled. I don't think I have had much time to breathe or to really think about it much. My training as a counselor did not allow me to sink into the story-telling mode of "what could have happened." I am using Gestalt therapy to guide me into staying in the "here and now," thus denying my psyche to venture off into fallacy land. Until recently, that is. For the past few days, I have thought about the negative repercussions that could have ensued had my spouse's condition gone unattended and undiagnosed. As I mentioned in that March 13th post, a case of food poisoning around February 27th led to gastroenteritis and severe dehydration by the time we took her to a walk-in emergency care clinic on March 5th. That is when and where the medical staff ran several tests and discovered that my spouse's creatinine had reached a dangerous level of six (6). Her kidneys shutdown which medically presented as renal failure. Her condition was comorbid because of her type 2 diabetes condition. We didn't ignore my spouse's ails. We actually took her to an appointment on March 3rd with her primary care physician (PCP); she called and they managed to schedule her for a last-minute appointment. The PCP was the one who initially said it was probably just a stomach flu and added that it was viral, so we had to let it run its course. He did not run any tests since my spouse had had a regular check-up with him just two days earlier on March 1st and lab work had already been done and such, but the PCP did prescribe meds for nausea and stomach cramps, etcetera. I had an 8 a.m. appointment at the same facility that morning on March 3rd, but with the nurse practitioner (NP). I drove home to get my spouse for her appointment just two hours following mine. The PCP insisted there could be no food poisoning. Two days later early Sunday morning, as we opted to take my spouse to the walk-in clinic, we thought it would be a routine visit. We thought we would avoid the overly crowded hospital emergency room and go to a walk-in clinic so she could be seen faster and we could return home sooner. Boy, were we wrong. Signature Care (SigCare) was the facility we chose. Thankfully they ran several tests and even reran others to make sure what they were seeing was accurate, which unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) turned out to verify what they feared: the creatinine levels were much too high. SigCare arranged for my wife to be transported via ambulance to Midland Memorial Hospital (MMH). My spouse spent several days at MMH, but her care and treatment were sublime and life saving. Maybe I am being too dramatic. Her life was never at risk, per se, of ending, but her overall health was at risk of permanent damage - especially to her kidneys. Had the high levels of creatinine not been discovered when they were, my spouse could have ended up needing dialysis or a kidney transplant. So, yeah, excuse my theatrics - or not - I don't care, but I believe I am justified to have worried about losing my spouse. The way I have been feeling these past few days is probably related to finally allowing myself to contemplate the "what ifs" and such. I just need to chill and let myself process the whole ordeal, and I, too, shall be fine. I do plan on getting an appointment with an endocrinologist (as will my spouse to help her manage her diabetes) to better handle my thyroid issues. I also plan on returning to the heart doctor who collaborated with the endo since thyroid issues tend to create heart-related issues. The way my chest has been pounding lately is the same as when my thyroid issues were first diagnosed all those years ago. Getting older sucks as it just starts inciting health issues. LOL. Still, I remain grateful for my health and for that of my spouse's; we could each be so much worse off. She was a wonderful patient during her week-long stint at the hospital and home. She loves her job, and she is great at her job, so she was so ready to return to it last Monday, March 13th. She had an award waiting for her upon her return. The DPS Regulatory Division recognized her hard work as region supervisor by issuing her a citation award for her desk and a monetary raise. Like I stated in today's post title, she's a rock and a rock star.

Book of D: Spring Break and Recalling My Higher Ed Journey

While some schools are on Spring Break (SP) this week, several more will not begin theirs until next week. Our campus is currently on SP mode, and it has been so quiet around here. Almost too eerily quite, especially in the new area of campus where I am now situated. Before, at the Falcon Center (a.k.a. Falcon Zone), I at least had four other colleagues who are considered "staff," so they were usually working during SP week. Now that I am in the counseling hallway and next to the literature & language and history departments, which consists mainly of professors and students, I am the lone wolf, per se, in more ways than one. My job is categorized as "staff," so I am a staffer mixed in with the academia peeps. LOL. I once did p/t work as an adjunct faculty member and an SI and was categorized as "faculty," but since moving to student affairs from student success, I am a staffer. None of this really matters. I have a job that makes me happy, but most of all, I have my masters degree, which is my most prized possession. Had you told me 20 or even 10 years ago that I would have returned to college and obtained a bachelor's degree, I would have said you were crazy. Had you told me that I would go on to earn a master's degree, I would have insisted you get your head checked. Man, time went by so fast yet so slow. But, I am here. There are still times when I panic as I ponder my future, but if there is anything my psych and counseling education taught me, it is these three things (mostly based on humanistic [Rogerian being my fave] and Gestalt schools of thought): live in the here and now, do not worry about tomorrow, and focus on what makes me happy.

Book of D: Grateful for My Spouse, Family, and Friends

What a week. So much to catch up on. I've been away caring for my wife. She has been at MMH since Sunday. A case of food poisoning led to gastroenteritis and severe dehydration, which caused her creatinine levels to rise to a dangerous 6. Her kidneys basically shutdown at that point. She has diabetes type 2, so everything was made worse via comorbidity. Thankfully, after great care by MMH, her levels have stabilized (creatinine, glucose, white blood count, bp, etc.). I am back to work on Monday.

Book of D: Notoriety: The Crave Versus the Shade

It's no secret that at our U (as at every workplace in the world), if you're in with the right crowd (clique), you're going to get noticed. Everyone here works really hard. I'm not here to protest or contest that matter - as it is just fact: hard work is an occupational expectation at our U. I find it amusing, though, at times when people (not everyone) feel compelled to go overboard in an almost sycophantic manner to garner attention - especially when they are already doing sublime work and getting recognized for it. I guess they just need more attention. At this place, if a certain exec / administrator deems you worthy and has you hanging out with him or her (on- and off-campus) while sharing details on social media, then you are going to have all kinds of attention (good and bad). It doesn't always sit well with others seeing the exec(s) play favorites like that, especially by those who do work hard and never get attention. Overlooking those who work hard, often the behind-the-scenes players, is asking for trouble. It breeds resentment amoung coworkers, which often sets off negative things to happen: rumors, gossip, and story telling. I am too old for the rumor mill, so whenever I hear the gossip and complaining, I make myself scarce. I think a lot of people here have me pegged incorrectly as being anti-social and such, but it is not that at all. I just don't want to hear complaining or canards being said about others. I have already partaken in rumor mills and gossip, and I am old enough to remember being part of water cooler conversations. None of it is good. I was once an immature twenty-something year-old callow minded fool who lacked compassion for others as I heard stories - not knowing if they were real or not, I wantonly spread those vile stories like wildfire just the same. These days, I like to believe that I have matured and am fine not being part of that kind of diatribe, or more like backstabbing because that's what it is since it is done during said person's absence. The place of work has a lot to do with breeding and promoting ill-will and cynicism if negative work culture is not being properly addressed and discouraged (topic for another day, perhaps).

Conversely, none of it (the need for inclusion and notoriety) bothers me as much since I have already had my fair share of commendation and recognition with previous employers. To be honest, I am tired. I just want to help students in this job and retire. If I could retire tomorrow with enough money to travel with my spouse and be financially stable doing so, I would definitely bid adieu to the workplace. However, being introspective, I like to think that my journey and what I have to contribute is not finished yet, and I need to stay until I know I have finished whatever task that might be. I still haven't ruled out obtaining my PhD and/or opening a private counseling practice. For now, I try not to dwell on not being able to retire soon. I actually did retire from two previous jobs; one was through TRA from working at a community college and the former one was through mediation and signing an NDA and non-compete clause / restrictive covenant. I have a TRA at my present job and will fulfill the Rule of 70 in about 13 years, which is not too bad. I always figured on retiring by the time I was 75. If I came into some money soon, that would be a game changer. Again, I am not sure how things will work out once I decide on furthering my education or just completing my training for LPC licensure. All I really know is that I feel badly for cohorts who work hard and seldom or never get recognized for it. It does piss my off to see the same people get recognized, over and over and over. Short of being a pessimist and saying something mundane like "it is what it is," I just don't see how to fix any of that whithout opening up a can of whoopass or pandora's box, and whether it is my place to do so is another query. But I would advise those who feel unappreciated and unrecognized to be patient, keep working hard, stay clear of rumor mills, and stay in the "here and now"; no thinking about tomorrow and "what if." If you can't beat the clique or be part of it, at least don't be part of the shade. Things do change and bad people come and go; moreover, the positive most often supersedes the negative.

Book of D: Melatonin and Nightmares

So once again as I made the 20-minute drive to work, I was enthralled by a Howard Stern episode on Sirius-XM Radio. He was talking about melatonin. He mentioned how it has never worked for him. He even asked his sidekick cohost, Robin Quivers, if she had ever taken melatonin and if so, had it worked for her. Quivers stated that she doesn't think she has ever tried melatonin. Stern said that he has taken about five tablets at a time, but melatonin just doesn't do anything for him. The topic of melatonin came up because of a caller who mentioned how the sleep aid product doesn't do anything for her insomnia. 

I thought about how my insomnia is affected by my moods; therefore, products like melatonin pills are not always the answer for me trying to sleep at night. There is a deeper rooted issue causing my insomnia, so the answer is not going to be simple. Moreover, I recalled from grad school instruction that the brain produces the hormone melatonin as a response to darkness. It coincides with the timing of the circadian rhythms and sleep, which means that getting exposed to light at night can block melatonin production. Consequently, if there is an underlying issue, like with me having anxiety and OCD, the synthetic hormone melatonin is just a band-aid. If it's a natural melatonin OTC, it probably comes from the pineal gland of an animal, which is still a band-aid. I remember the last time I took five melatonin pills, and I did get sleepy but I turned on my cell phone or tv and it completely ruined my ability to get proper sleep and rest. I was a sh¡t show of productivity the entire nextday. I was restless and unable to focus. I was too worried the night before about something (I don't even recall what it was), that it kept me from wanting to let the sleep aid do its job.

Other times, melatonin hasn't worked, but I am certain that I just didn't take enough. Most doctors say it is okay to take between three to five pills at once despite the directions on most melatonin bottles usually recommending only one pill at a time. Besides, taking anything synthetic for too long without a doctor's recommendation and supervision is just asking for trouble. I say always find the source of an issue and deal with that first. Melatonin has worked for me in the past, don't get me wrong. I don't want to be adversarial to those whom are aided by it. But, I do recall having minor effects (i.e. nightmares) when I did consume the sleep aid pills. I didn't take melatonin last night, but it sure did feel like it because I had some pretty awful nightmares. They were the kind that happen as a nightmare within a nightmare. Probably like the nightmares that Steven King has except he has an incredible talent for penning his nightmares and dreams into stories on paper. I wish I had that gift. Anytime I try to write down my dreams and nightmares, my OCD interrupts and I get caught up in spelling, grammar, word definition, syntax, and it just makes what may have been an interesting story turn into something boring like an instruction manual. You see . . . I did it again, I tripped into a tangent and failed to describe the nightmare. Let's just say that the nightmare was upsetting and surreal. In my nightmare last night, a friend died in a fire. I do not know who the friend was, but I was very upset by her death. Yeah, I do remember it was a female friend. My spouse, who was just my friend in the dream - we had not yet started dating, knew about the fire, and instead of coming to tell me about it, she went to her ex. My late mom even made an appearance in the dream. I think Mom was taking everyone else's side over mine. I don't even remember what everyone was arguing about. I just remember waking up with a headache and feeling shaken up. I did rethink the night before to make sure I had not taken melatonin, and I know I didn't. Then, driving to campus this morning for work and listening to Stern's episode about insomnia and melatonin was just too hokey for me. Kismet or serendipity? I don't know.

Book of D: Meghan Markle's Archetypes Podcast (Spotify)

I have been following Meghan Markle's Archetypes podcast on Spotify for a while now. In fact, I recently embedded a link to it below in the footer of this blog. The podcast is really good. I highly recommend it. I also like Mayim Bialik's podcast, Breakdown. ⁠I will have to dedicate a post to Bialik's podcast soon and add a link via my blog (Breakdown also available on YouTube). But for now, I wanted to share brief commentary about Markle's podcast. First, let me start off by saying that I truly adore and admire this beautiful person, Markle. Whatever issues the British monarchy and British press (that I love to rename the "Fleet Street Enema") have with Markle and Prince Harry, well, that's on them. I love them both: #TeamHarryAndMeghan💙💙.

I'm no Tory nor an Anglophile, so matters related to the Brits are null and void with me and the royal family are personas non grata. Markle has been independent and autonomous for a long time and has pretty much marched to the beat of her own drum. She knew fame, wealth, philanthropy, and compassion way before she met Harry; in fact, I would add that it was her who saved Harry. She saved the prince from the antiquated and tyrannical throes and confinements of the Mountbatten-Windsor family. Tangent. My bad. Anyway, Markle's Archetypes hits on important topics that revolve around women's' issues these days. It hints at the misogyny and bigotry still ailing and degrading women (especially centered around BIPOC). When one searches for Markle's podcast, one of the captions associated with the description includes this: "Hosted by Meghan Markle, the podcast Archetypes discusses the labels and tropes that try to hold women back." That, folks, is saying it all in a nutshell. And speaking of nut, aren't you all (women, that is) tired of all the fucking tropes used towards women when men fail to understand us or get too intimidated by us. They use the trope, "nut," as a colorful and condescending way to change the subject and further degrade and stifle us. I am so glad that Markle includes the issue of labels and tropes in her podcast because it is not just patronizing, it is divisive and way overboard with microaggressions and bias. Anyway, my post today was not meant to get into too much detail about any one particular episode of Archetypes, although the one with Serena Williams (a.k.a. the first guest) was really good as was the one with my cousin from another dozen: Mariah Carey. Overall, I just appreciate what Markle is doing with her podcast by giving voice and power to the often muted and powerless. Power on, Meghan Markle. I got your six!

Sidebar Note: Bialik also talks about those "tropes" on her Breakdown episode ("Trauma Brought the Gift of Help") with guest, Anjelah Johnson-Reyes (Yes, that Anjelah from the "Nail Salon" bit fame). 

Book of D: New Office Space with Pics

So, I used my Blogger app to upload pics of my new office. I am happy. Can you tell?!! LOL. This office will eventually become the space for the new Director of Counseling Services - once he/she is hired. The office is a little tired, but it is huge and yet cozy; it just needs to be painted. My supervisor was heedlessly pulling off the "Command" strips that once held my late colleague's personal wall curios, and he managed to pull down some of the paint. Yeah, only he could manage such a feat. 😆

Below are the recliners that belonged to my late colleague who died last November. Rest in peace, Stacie. The recliners were moved to our campus east storage facility. I am waiting on two chairs to replace the recliners. I am making due in the meantime cuz that's how we (Falcons) roll. A sincere "thank you" to Stacie's MOM for donating the recliners to our U! We loved and admired Stacie 💔!

Below are pics of my storage space next door, which bears my name as well because it will eventually become my new office - once it is painted and carpeted. The VP of Student Affairs, who is also the Dean of Students and my supervisor, is sharing this space with me. 

This is my view from my office. Moreover, this is our counseling & psychology practicum ward, which connects, via an oblique manner, to the department of literature and languages and history.

Book of D: Old Memories, New Office, and New Colleagues

Well, the move is official. I am no longer in the Falcon Center (a.k.a. Falcon Zone) on the first floor next to the Falcon Bookstore. I am on the 4th floor in the north wing (in the Counseling hallway). Both the graduate programs, counseling and psychology, facilitate their respective practicum programs within this part of the building; therefore, I'm right smack in the middle of the grind, if you will. I get melancholy walking through the hallway as I remember my stint as a mental health counseling student. Those days were rough, but I learned so much. It was such an arduous process, and I am still not sure how I managed to get through it. I worked fulltime and attended grad school fulltime. There were days that I would be gone from home starting as 7 am till 11 pm because I worked at the university during the day, then I transitioned into grad student at night. The last couple of semesters of practicum and internship were the most grueling, but it has paid off immensely. 

Anyway, suffice it to say, I really like where my office is situated now. I have more interaction with other people, not just in my division, I am close (in proximity) to the professors who are pooled within the department of literature and languages and history, which includes my bestie who is a history prof, Ana; she is just 50 feet from me. So, woo hoo. The other wing on the 4th floor (the south or admin wing) consists of all the executive/senior level administrators (University President, VP, Provost, Chancellor, Dean, Comptroller, Title IX team, etc.), so I am going to get to schmooze, big time with the big wigs. Kidding. Or not. Baby needs a new pair of shoes😄.

Sidebar note: The Wi-Fi has always been somewhat problematic in this building, the Mesa Building (MB), even when I was on the first floor. I think it is because when the MB was first built in the early 70s, the "brutalist" architecture was popular, so our campus, well, our main building where I am situated, was constructed to model that kind of rough aesthetic. The bad thing is the thick concrete walls muddle with our Wi-Fi, but on the bright side, if a tornado comes through, we'll be safe. Hahaha. Knock wood. Funny thing is when I have an attachment to send via text, I have to literally open the door to my office (just a smidge) for the pic or whatever to send; otherwise, I get an error: "message failed to send"! Stupid, yes, this I know, but it's technology and modern or not, it is flawed like most things. When I was on the first floor, I would have to leave the area and walk outside to the Quad to send texts with attachments. Now, I just have to open the door. I usually keep the door open unless I have a Zoom or Teams meeting or training, so the Wi-Fi isn't as brutal, plus, I get to look really "woke" by having an open door to meet with our "open door policies." Cheesy joke, this I also know. I am lucky I don't have worse things to complain about - aside from missing my former colleagues; the ones who moved to the new Center for Student Belonging and Inclusion. However, my new cohorts are really nice. Plus, we have more in common since we all have counseling and psychology in common. 

The other thing I have to get situated, which is also minor, is getting my late coworker's office furniture switched out with my new office furniture. It's weird being in Stacie's office especially using her desk. I had the university moving team bring my chair from my other office, so at least I am not using her chair. The two recliners she personally bought and had in the office were donated by her mom to UTPB. My supervisor had them removed and the moving team took them to the east campus storage facility where they will probably get auctioned off - unless someone else wants them. I am okay with Stacie's desk for now; although it is more utilitarian (drawer files and bins), I am not fond of the executive (bulky) style or beechwood color. The new office furniture that awaits me is walnut and although I am not overtly fanatical of the color, the style does suit me more. It is more modern (minimalist) and comes with an electric standing desk, so I can stand whenever I want to because sitting and being stationary kind of sucks. I'll try to post pictures. I have to get them from my phone to my computer first. Let's see how Mr. Wi-Fi allows that transfer to take place. LOL.

Book of D: The Devil is in the Details

Whether you believe the adage of the same name of today's post or not, there is truth to it. Not everything is black and white. If you look harder and dig deeper, you will often find that things (just like people) are much more complex and enigmatic. Trying to use the K.I.S.S. mantra or even Occam's razor (a.k.a. the principle of parsimony), is not often the key to getting to the root of things because choosing the simplest answer might not always predicate choosing the correct one.

So . . . What does the devil is in the details really mean? No doubt, from a young age your parents and teachers taught you to pay close attention to detail when completing your school assignments. Maybe before every exam they reminded you to read all of the instructions thoroughly, or they drilled it into your brain to always double-check your work. That’s essentially the lesson of this idiom and proverb: Details are important, so be conscientious and pay attention to the small things. TBC ... Unless the details deviate!

Book of D: Navigating Collegiate Life

My niece is a junior at my beloved alma mater, Ŧexas Ŧech University. She is extremely smart. So smart that she doesn't really have to study or try hard, which has gotten her into trouble lately with the dreaded SAP and the grueling appeals that accompany the issue. As a member of the Student Affairs Division at my U, I know first-hand what SAP issues mean and how difficult the issues can be to navigate. If my niece was attending this U, I would immediately instruct her on what she should do, and I would probably be on her like "white on rice" because SAP issues are no laughing matter.

They are serious and if the student does not make an attempt at correcting his or her path, the consequences could become unnecessarily dire. I'll be first to admit that navigating collegiate life is difficult enough when things are going well. There are still complexities that plague college students who are doing well and even for those who are astute, but when you include issues such as SAP or such, the navigating of collegiate life becomes the strife of student life. There are a myriad of rules and laws that govern a public university; the university administrators are governed by a state board and university system and decisions made at the respective collegiate level are not based on any one person's personal opinion; moreover, no one is out to get anyone. No staff or faculty member can use his or her power as a means of getting retribution against any one student - ever! There are several amnesty programs offered by various institutions of higher learning (e.g. academic, alcohol, etc.) because the permanent castigation of a student really is the last thing a university wants to do, and it lends the student a certain kind of sovereignty and power. But, the very autonomy that is given to each student also warrants that the student must remain diligent and aware of everything going on in his or her career. For instance, if the student's degree plan goes rogue and off-course, he/she cannot blame an advisor or other staff or faculty member, it is his or her own problem. There are reasons for university catalogues, and it remains the sole duty of the student to familiarize him/herself with the catalogue which contains detailed requirements set forth by the respective university, per state and federal laws, to obtain the correct courses and number of credit hours. Any other issues the student encounters, such as with my beloved niece and her SAP matters, are just a reminder that life can be harder than it has to be unless we take matters into our own hands to fix them or to prevent them from happening whenever possible - because everything has a solution and most things don't have to breakdown if we are more mindful.

Book of D: The Phenomenology of Otherness and Tribalism

Look up the meaning of each of these words: "otherness" and "tribalism," and you will find the definitions oddly vexing - at least I found them somewhat bothersome. Each word sounds so nice until you dig further into the real meaning. Both words imply a sort of togetherness which mostly paves the way for divisiveness amongst people when separated at their true core.

I did some research for a colleague who helps coordinate events and data for our new Center for Student Belonging and Inclusion, which is why and when I came across the words "otherness" and "tribalism." While conducting the research, I found this PDF (International Encyclopedia of Human Geography, 2008, Elsevier), which penned a myriad of definitions that give way to human "assholeness!" YEUP, I made up that word (assholeness); I can, so I did (make it up). Anyway, this is what it stated: "What is the concept of otherness? . . . Otherness is the result of a discursive process by which a dominant in-group (“Us,” the Self) constructs one or many dominated out-groups (“Them,” Other) by stigmatizing a difference – real or imagined – presented as a negation of identity and thus a motive for potential discrimination" (Staszak, 2008). According to web-based European Center for Populism Studies (ECPS), "Tribalism is a loyalty or preference to one’s own people.

As well as culture, it can apply to politics and sport. Cultural tribalism refers to the subdivision of society in groups who come together by a shared or specific type of thinking or behavior. In popular culture, cultural tribalism may also refer to a way of thinking or behaving in which people are loyal to their social group above all else, or, derogatorily, a type of discrimination or animosity based upon group differences" (2023). Moreover, Sullivan (2017) wrote an article that appeared in the Influencer titled "Can our democracy survive tribalism?" Sullivan stated, "America wasn’t built for humans: tribalism was an urge our Founding Fathers assumed we could overcome. And so it has become our greatest vulnerability" (2017). This is all the psychology 101 basics of the "ingroup versus the outgroup." The them versus us mentality. For example, you get family members together, and yes, it is all nice and heartwarming at first, but if you dig further, the "ingroup/outgroup" theory takes hold, and it's not pretty. Family will stand together and have each others six, per se, but once you delve further into each person's beliefs and such, the hidden problem gives way to ugliness. Auntie Amy might be a republican while uncle Dan is a democrat; you bring them together for a reunion, and everything is fine and the warm fuzzies abound because "it's a family gathering and nothing is more happy than family getting together, right?" Record scratch . . . WRONG! Family is nice and family gatherings can be a joy, but only if you keep your real beliefs and opinions to yourself because that is when otherness and tribalism take hold. You can be my cousin but if you're not voting for MAGA or cheering for the Dallas Cowboys, you're out; you've been ousted and kicked off the proverbial island. You have stopped fitting in, and there is no mercy for you unless you concede your core values in place of theirs.

Book of D: Grieving a Parent

I had a chat with my uncle (in-law) not long ago about death. He lost his mom on Christmas Eve (2022). His ex just lost her mom last week, so it meandered our conversation towards that of death, mainly the death of a parent. The conversation led to me telling my uncle the following: "No, it [pain] doesn't go away. We learn to cope. I think the loss makes us so aware that we move forward in a negative manner. Instead of embracing the people we love more, we learn to fear losing people. There's a difference between appreciating people and being afraid to lose them. It's early, and I haven't had coffee yet, so what the heck do I know. Lol." Like always, I hate to admit, I had to throw in some humor to mask the indifference and melancholia that our conversation was having on me. My uncle was explaining how his ex, Jenny (not her real name), discovered her mom, Connie, had died.

Apparently, Jenny received a call from her aunt who worked for the same school as Jenny's mom in a town not far from Lubbock. Jenny's mom had worked at the school (cafeteria employee and custodian) for many years and was well liked by her coworkers. Jenny's aunt was concerned because Connie had not shown up for work on that Friday morning, which was odd because Connie never missed work. Jenny's aunt had been frantically calling her sister with no luck, so she resorted to making that dreaded call to her niece, Jenny. Jenny drove over almost immediately to her mom's home, but her mom did not answer the door. Jenny broke a window and crawled through only to find that her mom had passed away sometime in the night - sitting down on her favorite recliner. 

When my uncle finished telling me this story, I became extremely downhearted for Jenny and despite not having kept a friendship with her, after she and my uncle broke up, I knew Jenny was inordinately close to her mom and family. I knew the devastation Jenny had to be enduring from losing her mom - especially discovering her like she did. My heart broke for her and her siblings; they were a close-knit family having been brought up by their single mom. I knew Connie but only in passing. I thought about losing my own mom and dad and how several of my friends have lost a parent or both. Regardless of the circumstances, it is never a facile occurrence to lose a parent. I'm referring to the parents who actually deserve to be missed in death; there are some who never should have had children to begin with, but that is a topic for another day. Right now, I am just letting the idea of death simmer in my head (i.e. amygdala) . . . and allowing my heart to inexplicably beat as it needs to do.

Book of D: Certifications